Disappearing Every Day
by Joannawrites
Summary: Lou makes an enemy of the wrong man when her secret is discovered by an outsider, forcing her to confront the demons of her past. As an obsession grows, everything Lou holds dear is threatened; her job, her family, and before it is over, her life and the lives of those she loves most will hang in the balance. Post Episode: The Exchange
1. Prologue: Unseen

**Disappearing Every Day**

 **Prologue: Unseen**

Most of her life, her very survival had depended on her ability to blend into the background, to go unseen. She'd avoided her father's temper that way, had learned how the darkness of a corner could swallow a small soul. She'd learned how to do everything silently, even cry into her pillow at night as she heard her father fly into one of his rages. Usually, she escaped notice by him. Did as her Mama told her and walked quiet. When she failed, she suffered, and redoubled her efforts to disappear. Cruelty was a hell of a teacher. She learned fast, although it was a lesson her life experience had made her repeat on more than one occasion.

After her mother died, she'd avoided the sometimes sharp discipline of the nuns by keeping her head down, doing her work, and saying little. She learned to fight, but to do it unseen. When you were invisible, you could come and go as you pleased, do as you pleased. And she needed a lot of space around her. To think, to breathe. When people pushed too close, she felt crowded, felt like there wasn't enough air. By the time she was thirteen, it nearly smothered her to be under anyone's scrutiny for more than a passing glance.

She'd almost died the winter after she slipped away from the orphanage for lack of being seen; a waif of a child on the verge of starvation. It was her weariness that made her careless, so Wicks had found her huddled down in the straw at his horse's feet when he came to fetch the animal from the livery stable in St. Joe. She later learned he'd been looking for another girl who was trying to disappear that night. She'd been grateful to him, once upon a time, before she learned the cost of being indebted to a man.

She kept her head down, worked hard, and asked for nothing more than the roof over her head and the meager portions of food left over after the ladies had their fill. Charlotte had been the only one of the ladies who showed her any kindness, and it was more than she was used to. Charlotte reminded her of her Mama. Charlotte had a way of making her feel like things might be all right, even though the woman had wanted so badly for her to move on before something bad happened. She had nowhere to go, and she had loved Charlotte. She hadn't understood the need to run. With Charlotte looking after her, she had felt safe enough that she had ignored the danger closing in on her. She had been foolish. Overconfident in her invisibility.

She paid the price for her mistake. Paid dearly. For over a year, she'd avoided Wicks' eye, avoided the customers' notice. Started to breathe more easily. Got comfortable. Forgot to hide in the shadows.

Charlotte had relented one evening and let her try on one of the fancy dresses the ladies wore downstairs for the customers. All she had was a dingy homespun dress in pale pink and she so admired the soft fabrics in such bold colors, the finely-made lace details. She'd never seen anything so grand as what the ladies wore every day with bored indifference. In her eyes, they were all so beautiful, especially Charlotte. She wondered if anyone would ever think of her that way. With troubled eyes, Charlotte helped her into a lovely deep emerald dress, warning her she could only wear it for a minute. Charlotte piled her hair high and regal on her head and tried to smile back at her delight. It had been her birthday and the only thing she could think of to ask for.

The dress was too big, and she'd had to hold it up, but looking in the mirror, she hadn't minded how it had showed off the delicate bones of her shoulders, the small rise of breast, how the color had brought out the gold in her eyes and the copper tones in her long hair. With her hair up, she thought she might look like a woman, someday, instead of the urchin she looked like most of the time, and for a moment, she'd taken some pride in herself.

She'd been there, in the light, when Wicks came into Charlotte's room unannounced. There was something in his eyes when he studied her that let her know she'd been really and truly seen. Charlotte had lost all the color in her face, but as for herself, she still she hadn't known exactly what it would mean for her. Not really. Later that night, when he'd come to her, she'd only known enough to be terrified when his heavy footfall paused outside her door.

The next day, she was truly an older soul. Charlotte put her on a stage with a small bag of her few possessions and an old handbag with a little money. She'd been numb as the stage rocked to life and left Charlotte behind in the dust with tears in her eyes. She'd hugged her arms tight around herself and her pink dress, and she had tried hard to blend into the upholstery. That had not stopped a kindly older man from trying to engage her in conversation, but her teeth were chattering too hard to respond and he'd left her alone with a cautious and maybe pitying gaze. She remembered little else about the ride other than her misery and how the jolting, jarring coach had been agony to her battered body.

In St. Louis, she'd spent some of the precious money Charlotte had given her for a room in a run-down hotel. Had asked for a bath. Had cried great, gasping sobs in the steaming water as she tried to scrub her skin clean of his touch. Had wondered if she'd always hurt as much as she did now, wondered if the shattering pain and lingering ache he'd caused by his rough entry was permanent or life-threatening and if she was going to die alone in a city she didn't know. She couldn't ask a doctor, couldn't ask anyone. If someone saw her, then they might tell Wicks, and he could find her again, have her again.

Wicks had threatened he would have her again, which was the only thing that would have made her leave Charlotte. Promised he would break her to be one of his girls, told her he'd make a fortune on her because she was young and pretty and innocent, though she hadn't felt any of those things when he was done with her, and didn't think she ever would again.

It was that thought that drove her out of the tub to stand before the mirror. For a long while she stood looking at herself. He hadn't left any marks on her face, but her body was a study in purple bruises. He'd left bite marks on her neck and chest and it infuriated her. The imprint of his fingers reminded her of his unwelcome touch and she trembled at the memory of it.

Tears touched her eyes when she met her own gaze in the mirror. She'd fought him. But she'd lost. All the things that had worked to stop the boys who pestered her at the orphanage from time to time had no effect on him. He was a big man and she guessed she wasn't the first woman to try to kick him between the legs or claw him in the eyes. She knew now why the girls had walked by him quickly, eyes down and with purpose, as if they had somewhere else to be right then. She felt defeated and alone and hopeless and terrified, and wondered if it would be better to die. She couldn't though. Not with her brother and sister waiting on her, and not with the promises she'd made to her Mama.

The mirror was streaked and dirty, and the room was dark. There was a long crack down the middle of the glass, reflecting her solemn face back to her in two halves, slightly off-kilter in the flickering light of the single lantern in the room.

"By God, that's enough," she'd said to her reflection. Then, methodically, she raised the old pocket knife Charlotte had put in the handbag as a meager means of self-defense. With her other hand she grasped a handful of hair. In moments, auburn strands drifted down to rest about her bare feet like dying leaves in the Fall.

* * *

She drifted. Never stayed in one place too long. Moved on the second she thought she might have been recognized for what she was.

Her father, in his compound, had kept horses. Fine, fast horses suited for getting away from the law. No one had minded, or noticed, the time she spent in the stables when she was young. She had a fine hand with horses; she recognized that they responded to her quiet nature. They demanded nothing of her. Horses were her respite, and she recognized, the key to rejecting the future Wicks had opened for her.

She worked on ranches, she worked on farms. She fine-tuned her skills with horses and riding, and she took pride in her ability with them and on them. When she saw a sign looking for young boys to ride across the country, a sign that said orphans were preferred, she gathered her courage and walked in to convince the man behind the counter that she could do the job. She had to do the job. To be alone on a horse, away from towns and brothels and other people was about as perfect an existence as she could imagine.

She was baffled when it turned out the clerk in the Russell, Majors, and Wadell office needed no convincing. Instead, he barely glanced at her, thrust some money and a Bible in her hands, and told her to report to Sweetwater Station in two weeks. She pocketed the money, tossed the Bible into the back of an empty wagon, and made her way West.

* * *

Every damn thing ached. Muscles she hadn't known about screamed to her of their existence. It seemed too much exertion to turn over and seek a more comfortable position on the somewhat lumpy bunk. She'd chosen a bed in the corner furthest from the fireplace, had taken the one on top, feeling less exposed in the high shadows.

The quiet boy with the fine paint horse had chosen the bunk beneath her. He seemed a good sort, judging from the way he cared for his horse, and she had learned that standard in estimating a man's kindness was better than most others. Something about him made her think he didn't like being the focus of attention any more than she did.

She had been living as a boy for a year. When their task master and torturer, Teaspoon Hunter, had asked her a few days back if she was too puny to do the work, she'd let her skills speak for her. He had met her eyes with some new level of respect and relented, moving down the line. She'd finally dared to breathe and said little since then.

Teaspoon trained them hard, and without mercy, but she thought his methods probably had more to do with his understanding of the land and it's challenges than any meanness...though in her more painful moments she considered revising her opinion of him to something less generous.

It was close quarters for her in the bunkhouse and she had been terrified those first nights. Tired as she was, she still slept little. She'd bound her breasts flat to her chest and never took off the binding, not even during the night. She'd cut her hair closer, bought glasses that served no purpose other than to hide her eyes. At night though, the glasses and hat came off, and she worried, though experience had taught her people seemed to see what they meant to see and little else.

Besides, she thought surely the boys were much too exhausted to see her for what she was, and even if they had noticed, she thought that maybe they weren't the sort to trouble her in that way. Still, she didn't trust her own judgment in that area and she just couldn't afford to be wrong. One of them scared her plenty, with his quick-silver temper, ivory-handled colt, and penchant for trouble, but the more she watched him with Emma, the more she thought that he was more bark than bite. Still, she kept a wide berth around the one named Jimmy.

Being in such close proximity to so many young men at night had brought to mind memories of the brothel and Wicks. It was the sound of their snores, their restless shifting, their smell, the sometimes off color remarks they made about women they'd seen or known, or wished they'd known.

Every night for the first several nights she'd slept in the bunkhouse, she'd sat straight up in bed with a gasp from a dead sleep, with her chest heaving and her eyes burning with blinding tears, hands clenched in fists to ward off the specter of the man who'd made her less than she was. It had taken her a moment to orient herself, to let her eyes pass over the boys, their chests rising and falling peacefully, before she recognized she was a thousand or more miles away, and safe from Wicks.

On the fourth night when she sat up and gasped, she saw the quiet Indian called Buck watching her from across the room in the dim firelight. There was something like sympathy in his eyes as he quickly averted them from her, as if he knew she would be mortified to acknowledge what had just happened. The next day he'd been his usual unobtrusive and oddly soothing self around her, and he'd never asked for an explanation, never said a word that she knew of to anyone else about her nightmares.

She preserved her secret all of two weeks on the job before she'd been shot on her third run and Kid had found her, had despite her panic and protests tried to tend the wound she'd suffered. He had seen the bindings around her breasts, had been shocked speechless. And she had watched him to see what he would do with his knowledge and waited for the life she so wanted to go up in flames.

He'd been adamant that the work was too dangerous for a girl, he'd told her she should do something else, had pressed his lips in a thin line of disapproval when she told him she'd proven herself, but when the time came to tell the others, inexplicably he'd kept her secret for her.

His warmth and his concern scared her as much as it pleased her, and bewildered her plenty. After hiding for more than a year, she was already exhausted and there had been a part of her relieved that someone in the world knew her for what she was, that she might drop her guard for just a minute and breathe around him. Kid was the first man in her life that had taken any care with her.

When she'd gone to save her brother and sister from their father, the boys had found out her secret too. By then, she'd been so attached to all of them, to the job she did, to Teaspoon and Emma that it had broken her heart to think of going. It had never occurred to her that they might stand with her, just as she had for them, until Hickok, rash and loud Hickok, had gently vowed to fight anyone who doubted her ability to do the job. No longer in hiding, or fear of discovery, they'd become her friends, they had become her brothers. They had reminded her that she had value as a person, as a woman even. They had filled an emptiness in her that she hadn't known was there. She thought of Wicks less and less often, could not grieve overly much for her father-her father who didn't recognize what she was and never would have-because they were her family now as he had never been.

Emma had no idea what it had cost her to come down the stairs and face them as Louise for the first time, dressed in a pink dress that she hadn't been quite sure why she'd bought or how she felt about what had happened when she'd worn it. She'd called to mind how vulnerable she had felt standing under Wicks' gaze in the oversized whore's gown and what had come after. Her legs had trembled as they carried her into the path of the boys' stares.

In their eyes had been appreciation, admiration, and affection. No contempt, nothing untowards, nothing that made her afraid. And it was these boys she had learned to love that had made her realize it was finally safe to come back out into the light, because there wasn't one of them who would not beat back the shadows for her if she found she wasn't strong enough to do so.

And so it was that Lou McCloud started putting bits and pieces of Louise back together again under the watchful and protective eyes of Kid, Jimmy, Buck, Ike, Cody and eventually Noah.

But her life's rhythm had a pattern, and standing in the open for her had always had consequences.

* * *

To be continued…

This is my first new TYR fiction in over a decade...if I said I had it figured out exactly where it was going, it would be a lie, but I never really knew where any of my other stories were going before they got there either. I'm about five chapters in...feel like it will go another five chapters at least. I've been thinking a lot about Lou and her past, and somehow the prologue came to me as more of a character analysis before the actual story picks up. When I started posting old fiction here, I had zero intention of writing any new stories, just posting my old ones to keep track of them. Then the series came back on Starz. And I had a relapse. Seems chronic this time around.

I got the idea for this piece while listening to one of my absolute favorite songs, "Top of the World," written by Patty Griffin, particularly these lyrics:

 _There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard_

 _Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow_

 _Think I broke the wings off that little song bird_

 _She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now_


	2. Chapter 1: Uncertain

Chapter One: Uncertain

"Lou, why don't you let me take this run?"

I looked up in surprise from the aisle of the barn where I was checking Lightning's saddle. Jimmy looked as uncomfortable to have said the words that just came out of his mouth as I was to be hearing them.

"I'm sorry, musta had something in my ears, what did you say?" I tried to keep my voice light, but could hear the edge in my tone.

Jimmy heard it too, but persisted. "Let me take this run for you, Lou."

"Did you fall off your horse and hit your head?" I growled, narrowing my eyes.

He shifted from foot to foot, looking as close to nervous as Jimmy ever was. "Look, Lou, it's just that those Johnson Station boys is bad news. Ain't no secret it's your least favorite run." He studied me while I struggled with my temper. "Jesus, Lou, better be careful or your face may stick like that."

"You doing your impression of Kid right now? 'Cause if so, it's pretty damn good, Jimmy," I finally managed, giving the cinch on my saddle a yank that was unnecessarily forceful. Lightning grunted in protest and I lay my hand on his neck in apology. "This got something to do with what happened with Frank Pike?" I wondered, biting off every word with irritation.

We'd been back from the mission that was the Pikes' hideout for a few weeks. My bruises had faded, and the skin that had been split by Ramirez's knuckles had healed now, but none of the boys had been able to look me square in the eye for the first few days after they'd found me, dressed like a prostitute and hung up on a cross like a sacrificial lamb.

I couldn't blame them. I'd put them all in danger by going into the mission by myself, forcing them to rescue me in addition to Amanda. I was still feeling the shame of my failure. I recognized my actions had been unwise and hasty and could have cost me my life, but more to the point, theirs.

I still held fast to the righteous indignation that they'd left me behind without a lot of options of how to help them. And them expecting me to just wait it out while they were in so much danger was as farfetched as me flying to the moon. I know it had hurt them to see what Pike's man had done to my face, maybe as much as it hurt me to be left in Laramie when they slipped away. It was hardly the worst I'd ever had, but I know they felt some responsibility for what had happened. I didn't know how to convince them they were wrong.

Still, Jimmy was the only one among all of them that had thought I should be included, that I would have been valuable to them, and he alone had fought for my place beside them. Now to have him standing in front of me telling me that he should take my run was almost like a physical blow. Before I could catch myself, I actually flinched.

"Aww, Lou, it ain't like that," Jimmy mumbled when he saw me wince. I cursed my inability to prevent my thoughts from flickering across my face, not for the first time. "You know I know you can take care of yourself. It's just that I stay in that bunkhouse sometimes, and I hear those boys talk. It goes a little further and feels a little meaner than most boys' talk, you know? I got a run tomorrow to Blue Creek. What do you say we just switch?"

"Because I'm not on the schedule for Blue Creek, Jimmy, and you ain't rested," I said around clenched teeth. "This _is_ to do with Pike's Mission...you all think I can't handle myself now? Even you?"

"Damn it, Lou, will you quit being such a damn fool and just look at me and listen for one damn minute! _Damn_ it!" Jimmy exploded, flapping his arms like a mother hen.

I raised my eyebrows, and if I hadn't been so stung, I would have laughed at him. "You said damn about forty times just then, Hickock."

"Well, I'd like to say a lot worse, Lou. And I'd like to pick you up by your toes and shake the pig-headedness out of you through your ears. You wanna know why I want to take the run? Fine. I heard them boys talking about what they'd like to do to one of the girls in town, last time I was through there. I ain't gonna repeat the things they said, Lou, so don't ask me, but they didn't seem to be keeping the young lady's wishes in mind, if you know what I mean. It might have been just talk, might have been more, but I couldn't let it rest."

I nodded, not surprised by any of this, least of all by Jimmy's speaking out against such talk. He continued, "they ain't no friends of none of us from Sweetwater, but they especially don't like me and the fact I got the reputation I do...I got into it with a few of those riders, and I traded a blows with one of them. When he didn't get back up, I walked away. But, it's just...I hate to think of you riding into a fight I started, especially because I ain't sure if it's finished, and they'll know you are out of Sweetwater."

"Then they oughta know I can handle myself," I muttered, untying Lightning and starting to lead him out of the stable.

Jimmy reached out to grab my reins, halting my progress for a moment and choosing his words carefully. The fact he felt the need to be careful spoke volumes about where he thought my head was these days. Me and Jimmy spoke plain as a rule, but especially to one another. "Lou, it's just-well, it's just that you don't look like a boy no more, and after what they was saying about that girl...if they bothered to look at you close...it just has me worried."

"Get out of my way, Jimmy," I said, almost too quietly for him to be able to hear me, heart beating unnaturally fast. I refused to be scared of a man I thought of as my best friend, but there was always a moment after I asked a man to stop doing something when my breath caught as I contemplated what I'd do if he didn't.

Jimmy bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, but stepped back the second I asked. Swallowing hard, I led Lightning by him.

"Rider Coming!" Noah's voice called from the station yard. "Lou!"

"Lou, would you please-" Jimmy tried one more time, following me out of the stable.

I turned and interrupted him. "Look, I ain't staying in bunkhouses any more. You know that. I'll hand off the pouch and that'll be that, all right? I'll stay in town like I promised Teaspoon."

I watched Jimmy war with whatever he wanted to say next, saw when he gave up the fight. He nodded and came to hold Lightning while I hopped on his back. I looked down at Jimmy and found him studying my face like he was searching for something.

"I'll be fine, Jimmy."

He nodded, and patted my knee before stepping back, eyes still troubled. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Lou. Sometimes I just get a little worried about you. And it ain't just cause you're a girl. It's 'cause you're important to me, all right? To us all."

My throat suddenly felt tight, so I just nodded in response, not trusting my voice.

"Stay clear of Danny?" Jimmy asked me for a promise. I nodded again.

"Safe ride, Lou!" Kid called out as I spurred Lightning into a run as he brought Katy alongside, and like a practiced ballet, we performed the handoff.

* * *

I rode Hell-bent for Johnson's station, stewing over the conversation I'd just had with Jimmy. He was right, I did hate this run solely because of the home riders at the station. They'd tormented me from the beginning for my small size and scrawny appearance, tried to give me half-broken horses they thought I couldn't ride for the sport of watching the animal throw me. It was a matter of satisfaction to me that they'd never been able to give me a horse I couldn't ride, but a small niggling fear in the back of my mind wondered if this would be the time they finally bested me. It felt inevitable that eventually I'd falter and they'd get lucky in their attempts to show me up.

I'd never told any of my boys about what went on at Johnson's Station, because I knew exactly what any one of them would have done about it. And if Teaspoon had gotten wind of what was happening, he'd have taken me off the rotation for that relay immediately, but not before riding to the station and having all those boys' heads. My open-book face meant that the others understood I didn't like Johnson's Station, but they didn't know why and I intended to keep it that way.

It was important to me that I be able to do the job I was hired to do. I _loved_ the job I had been hired to do. Doing it had gotten more difficult the moment Kid, and the boys, and then Teaspoon, had found out I was a woman. I loved these men, every single one of them. They were the family I'd never truly had and their love had an unquestionably positive impact on my life. My experience with them was completely at odds with the relationships I'd had with any of the men in my past. But it was so hard for me to understand why the thing I was capable of doing the day before they found out I was a girl, they suddenly wanted to shelter me from the day after. No one had ever wanted to protect me before because no one thought I had any value before. Understanding their concern was just alien to everything I knew about myself and other people.

It ate at me that there had been times that I'd put them in danger simply because I was a woman. I had found trouble on many occasions when I tried to be Louise. Kid had seen my weakness with Tyler DeWitt and come after me with Sam, outgunned and outmanned. Kid, Jimmy, Buck and Noah had seen the evidence that Cole Lambert had bested me with sheer physical strength although I'd disarmed him, resulting in Kid's calling the man out. I'd seen the agony on Jimmy's face when he'd found me with a noose around my neck when Hopkins had used me to even an old score. I'd been unable to fight off a one-armed man, and because of it, Jimmy could have been killed.

In ways big and small, they'd all in their own way at some point or another protected me, shielded me, taken an extra care. I didn't want them to treat me differently, but there was something in every one of them that meant they couldn't help themselves. Least of all Kid, and the realization that he couldn't abide me being in danger had broken both our hearts and our relationship earlier this fall.

I'd been so determined that they shouldn't make special considerations for me because there was no need. However, the events of the last weeks had brought doubt over me and my own abilities like low-hanging and heavy-laden clouds.

Something significant had shifted for me after being captured at the mission, and I didn't know how to move on from the feeling that maybe I wasn't as good at the job as I thought I was. Maybe I was a liability to my boys. I just wasn't sure how many more times I could reasonably expect them to come to my rescue, to put themselves in danger for me. And the implications of what would happen if I couldn't do this job devastated me because this job and the people I worked with had become my whole world.

* * *

Johnson's station was the end of my 50-mile run, and I was covered with dust and chilled to the bone from the brisk wind when the shabby bunkhouse rose into view. _Thank God_ , I thought. I'd fling the mochila at the waiting rider, swap out the horse for a fresh one for the ride home, and head into Willow Springs for a hot meal, a hotter bath, and an early night's sleep free of the snoring and worse noises the boys made at night.

I brought my horse to a blowing, trembling halt and circled back to the center of the station yard. The station master, Joe, was nowhere to be seen, but three of the riders lounged on the porch, making no move to come take my horse, as was customary for an incoming rider.

I dismounted and loosened my horse's girth a bit, letting him breathe easier. My legs protested violently to be holding me upright after so many hours in the saddle.

"Well if it ain't Sweetwater Shorty, Wild Bill Hickock's bunkmate! Sorry, just about couldn't see you up on that horse."

This from the tall blonde-headed rider with striking green eyes. He was about as handsome a man to look on as I had ever seen, until he opened his mouth and the meanness came out. His name was

Danny, and he never missed an opportunity to needle me, becoming increasingly belligerent when I didn't react. I always hoped against hope he would be out on a run when I came through. The others were spineless followers who weren't much better, but Danny was the instigator. He was also who Jimmy warned me not to tangle with, had I somehow been inclined.

"Where's Joe?" I muttered, trying to sound casual. Joe had Teaspoon's job at this home station. While I didn't particularly care for Joe, he at least kept his riders somewhat in line.

"Funeral in Ft. Laramie," one of the other riders volunteered.

I nodded. "Got a fresh horse? I'm heading out tonight."

"How come you always ride out of here? You too good for us or something?" Danny asked, "Or just worried you couldn't climb up to the top bunks?"

"That must be it, unless you got time to build me some steps," I returned in a light enough tone, refusing to let him rile me.

One of the other riders chuckled at my dry response, and this did not please Danny.

"Got a horse for me or not?" I persisted.

"You ain't scheduled to ride out of here until the morning. You want a horse sooner than that cause you're too high and mighty to stay with the likes of us, then saddle one your damn self, boy."

I glared for a minute, weighing my next move. It was their job to get my mount ready, and we all knew it. The other two riders on the porch looked a little uneasy with Danny's mandate, but I knew from the way their eyes slid away from mine that they weren't going to speak against him even if they thought him wrong.

It made me appreciate my own family and the fact if one of us was being an ass, not one of the rest of us would hesitate to let him know and fast.

I considered taking my current mount, but company policy said the animal should have a longer rest than he would if I took him out again in the morning. The fight waiting for me if I pushed the matter was not prudent given the fact I was alone, so I decided to let it go.

Without another word, I turned my back on Danny and his friends and led my horse to the dark barn. Once in the shadows, I glanced back to be sure Danny had stayed put on the porch. He was still there but looking after me, and a shiver ran across my shoulders. I took the safety off my gun and the small action settled me some as I took care of my horse.

I worked quickly, rubbing down and feeding the relay horse and chose a smart looking bay mare as my new mount. She was much more mannerly than most of the horses they tried to give me, so I thought maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that they had not readied my horse.

I was ready to lead the mare from her stall and leave when a dark shadow fell across the door.

I knew it was Danny, but I did not look at him right away, taking instead a moment to school my features into bored indifference, while pretending to adjust the bridle. My heart had crawled into my throat.

"What do you want?" I finally asked, glancing in his direction but not meeting his eyes.

"Just can't figure out all the fuss about Sweetwater. A runt no bigger than a school boy and a so-called gunslinger probably wet himself if a real man challenged him.."

I knew I shouldn't take the bait, but my eyes rose to his. I was furious and even as I saw his triumph when he recognized he'd gotten to me, I couldn't stop my sharp retort. "That so-called gunslinger knocked you on your ass from what I heard, and didn't even need his guns to do it. So what does that make you?"

He yanked open the stall door between us. I froze, for just a minute, and that was all the time it took for him to draw back and strike at me with the speed of a snake, landing a fist right on my jaw.

White hot pain shot down my neck as my chin snapped back, and I folded to the straw bedding of the stall under the horse's hooves. I tasted blood from biting my tongue. My hat flew beneath the horse and my glasses landed by the mare's front hoof; she shifted nervously at the commotion and crushed them.

"Get up and say that again," Danny challenged, hands still pulled into fists, still standing above me.

My ears were ringing and lights had exploded in my field of vision when he'd hit me. I felt vulnerable with my disguise gone. Something about the way his shadow fell over me reminded me of Wicks reaching for me, and before I was aware of what I'd done, my pistol was out of the holster and pointed at his forehead in a fluid motion that would have made Jimmy proud. I climbed to my feet with my gun trained on him.

Something in my extreme and unexpected reaction had unnerved him and I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes.

"Get the hell away from me," I told him.

His teeth flashed a false smile of bravado and I cocked the hammer to let him know I wasn't fooling.

He backed out of the stall slowly, hands up like he might approach a frightened horse.

"You ever touch me again, I'll pull the trigger. Understand?" I growled.

"I understand you better sleep with that gun under your pillow, Shorty." The tone of his voice and the threat in his eyes made me thankful I held the weapon.

"Get out," I ordered and kept the gun on him while he left the barn.

When he was gone, my knees wanted to run toward water, but I kept the gun in my trembling hand, and somehow made it onto the horse. As I rode out of the barn, hat jammed back on my head, Danny was rubbing his knuckles and studying me intently. Something like awareness seemed to sharpen his gaze as he studied my face. I cursed, turning my head away and hoping I was mistaken.

I rode out of Johnson's Station like the devil was on my heels, though several glances back assured me I hadn't been followed.

Once I was a good three miles from the station, I climbed off the horse, leaning against her for a moment when I thought my knees wouldn't hold me. I was furious at myself for my loss of control. I had given Danny the opening he wanted, and in the aftermath may have inadvertently revealed my secret to the rider in the whole company I'd trust least with it. I had let fear make me forget who I was, where I was, and what I had to lose. No man in their right mind would pull a gun on another because of a simple punch thrown. I'd overreacted, my fear controlling me.

I slid down to my knees, sick to my stomach and my whole head aching from both the blow to my jaw and the realization of what I had done and what it might mean.

I closed my eyes and waited to be able to breathe again.

* * *

A/N: Your sweet reviews of the prologue to this story made my day because I felt like I was on shaky ground with something new after so long away. This one is coming to me slower than the ones I used to write, but I am thrilled that it is starting to shape up in my head. I don't know why I decided to proceed in first person-never done a first person TYR piece, or any long piece for that matter, before. But it seemed like I needed to be in Lou's head for a lot of this story...some chapters will be seated in someone else's voice, but at the core, this is Lou's story. Would be thankful to know what you think as it moves forward!


	3. Chapter 2: Uncovered

Chapter 3: Uncovered

My jaw looked as bad as it felt the next morning, I realized as I checked the mirror in the hotel room. There was a large purple bruise spreading up my left cheek and a long shallow cut following my jawline. In fact, in general I looked terrible. My eyes were darkly shadowed and red rimmed, the result of a night spent tossing and turning and waking from nightmares of being chased and suddenly seized after finally settling into sleep over and over again.

My encounter with Danny yesterday had unsettled me more than I realized. Distance, a hot bath, and a good meal I hadn't had the appetite for had not made me feel better about the fear I had experienced in that barn, trapped in the stall at his feet, nor my reaction to it.

I wondered at the consequences of holding a gun on a fellow rider, and how likely it was that the boys and Teaspoon wouldn't hear of it somehow. It might be time to talk to Teaspoon about Johnson's Station, much as I didn't want to.

I wasn't sure how I was going to explain my face to the boys when I returned, especially not to Jimmy who I knew would be studying me with eagle eyes, trying to read between the lines I would never utter to see if everything had been all right for me with the rider he'd gotten into a scuffle with.

I packed my things in my saddlebags and bedroll and made my way to the barn. It was a chilly morning, and the town seemed pretty deserted at the early hour. I wanted to be home, but dreaded the tense conversation I would be forced to have when I got there. I had scarcely ever felt so low as I did then and I wasn't sure how to lift my dim spirits.

In the stables, I tied the bay mare in the hallway, and set to grooming and saddling her. When I hoisted the saddle on her back, both arms stretched upwards, a weight hit me from behind, knocking me into the horse, who skittered sideways. I might have fallen but for the arm that grabbed me around the waist. Another arm snaked around my neck and a hand clapped over my mouth.

I twisted and kicked, but was hauled off my feet altogether, and my screams were trapped by the large hand covering my mouth. It smelled of unwashed male, and I gagged. I kicked mightily and heaved myself against those restraining arms as hard as I could, panic taking over in a blind fight. Despite my best efforts, I was soon in the dark tack room of the livery stable, relieved of my gun in a single motion, and had my back pressed against the wall with the weight of a tall man pinning me there.

I paused and looked up into the very green eyes of the rider I had held a gun on yesterday. Danny watched me for a minute, our eyes locked. I wasn't going to say the first word, though he seemed to be waiting for me to do something, because I was afraid I'd confirm what he already seemed to know.

A smile that made my blood chill crossed his mouth, never reached his eyes. Those eyes were beautiful, but predatory. Like a panther holding prey paralyzed in its gaze.

He didn't speak but reached up and slowly took my hat from my head, tossing it to the floor. His eyes passed over me, down my body, and my skin rippled into gooseflesh when I saw the knowledge in his eyes as they shifted back to stare into mine.

Well over a year, and he was the first outsider to guess my secret.

"Well, my, my Shorty. Never realized you was such a pretty little thing." He stroked my bruised cheek with the back of the knuckles he had driven into my face yesterday. I jerked my head away, but said nothing, averting my eyes. "Would have handled you very differently had I known it yesterday, darling."

I surged against him once, trying to push past, but he took my shoulders and shoved me back into the wall, nearly knocking the breath from my lungs. I froze, waited for an opportunity to escape.

"Them Sweetwater boys...no wonder they are always in such a hurry to get home with you keeping them warm at night…you give pokes to all of 'em, even the negro and the half-breed?"

I growled and tried once more to break free, but Danny easily pinned me, and secured both of my wrists in one of his hands, stretching my arms high above my head.

"Stop it. Really, I'm curious...do they know about you? What a pretty little girl you are?"

"Yes," I hissed, not sure what the point of denial would be and wanting him to know he could not use the secret against me with them.

"Hickok knows?" Danny asked with interest, eyes sharpening, and I felt sick. His score with Jimmy was not settled, and I wasn't about to let him use me the way Hopkins had to bring Jimmy trouble, but I was pretty sure he was going to try.

I pushed against him again and he easily subdued me.

"You his whore?" Danny asked. I realized he meant no offense by the actual term, it was just what he thought of women in general, and that bored indifference scared me almost more than if it had felt personal.

"You might be surprised to learn that all women ain't whores," I growled at him.

He shrugged. "That would indeed be a surprise in my experience. See, even if women don't seem to want to give in to me, with proper convincing they usually do, sooner or later. You just gotta find the right... _payment_."

"If you don't let me go right now, you ain't gonna have a job to get your damn payment," I threatened.

He chuckled, leaning down, his breath on my face. I could smell whiskey, wondered if he'd spent the night in the saloon, waiting for morning and me. Experience with my father had taught me that whiskey did little to improve a man's judgment...or his temper.

He didn't speak right away, but let his fingers graze lightly over my jawbone again, where his blow still ached. His hand slid down my neck, and then over my breast where he paused, testing the weight of it through the shirt and the binding I still wore when riding, though not as tightly as I once had. I lunged away and tried to free my hands from his one-handed grasp, then kick at him, and that failing, bite him. He dodged my blows easily, continuing his unhurried study of my other breast as if I wasn't doing my damnedest to end him. His one-handed grip on my wrists seemed to grind my bones together and I could not pull them free.

I drew in a lungful of air and screamed, but he immediately cut me off, putting his fist in my hair, yanking my neck back and crushing my lips with his own. He tasted of onions and whiskey. I continued to try to scream, but he muffled the sounds I made and his tongue invaded my mouth so thoroughly that I had to abandon my attempts to scream to make room for breath around the panic that was washing through me in waves that threatened to pull me under.

His brutal grip on my wrists suddenly released and I half sobbed at the release of the pain there. Now that hand roved freely over me, under my shirt, pulling impatiently at the binding while his other hand twisted in the hair at the nape of my neck ruthlessly held my head where he wanted it.

I pushed against him with all my might, beat at his head and shoulders with my fists, but he had me well pinned and I could not get leverage. His knee was wedged hard between mine, preventing me from kicking him with any force. When his free hand slid beneath the waistband of my pants, however, I bit his tongue hard.

He yelped in pain and drew back, blood running down his chin. He backhanded me once, held me up by the front of my shirt to keep me from sliding to the ground.

I could taste his metallic blood, my own bitter adrenaline and bile, and underneath all that the whiskey and onions on his breath. I gagged and turned my face away trying hard not to be sick.

Taking a handkerchief from his pocket, he touched the fabric to his bleeding tongue and eyed me half with interest, half with anger.

"You and me are gonna come to an understanding, Shorty. So your boys know you are a girl, but the company don't. I am betting I know exactly what happens to you if they find out. I'm also betting dear old Teaspoon Hunter loses his job over this one. So I'm thinking that means I got a secret you want kept."

"Go to Hell," I snarled at him, dread dropping like a stone in my stomach, overpowering even my fear of rape. This awful man was going to ruin everything I was and everything I'd built for myself for simple sport.

"No, now, Shorty. That's not how we are going to play this little game of ours. See, I didn't like you much as a runt, but you suit me just fine as a woman. Better than most, actually, cause you got spunk and a man like me likes a little fight in his woman."

"I ain't your damned woman," I snapped.

"Oh, I think you are gonna be. I think either you cooperate with me, or you and maybe your friends are gonna be out of a job, and you will probably be hard pressed to find work other than being the woman of anyone with a few bits to leave on your nightstand. What else are you good for?"

"You flatter yourself if you think I'd prefer you," I muttered, spots floating into my vision as panic mounted. I could not draw a deep breath, was afraid I was lightheaded enough to faint. I didn't think the taste of him would ever leave my mouth

"Well, darlin' I'm gonna give you time to reconsider, cause I think you might be a real smart little girl. I ain't saying a word to no one about who you really are. Not yet. But you tell a soul about what happened today and I'll ride to the Russell, Majors, and Wadell office with the story that one of their riders is actually a young girl. And how would the papers back East feel about the fact that a gentle little flower such as yourself was risking herself on the plains with indians and rustlers and outlaws?"

"Who says they'll believe you?" I asked, but my bravado was wavering.

"Ain't that hard to prove darlin'," he said and with that gave a mighty yank to the front of my shirt that had all my buttons skittering across the floor.

"Don't!" I yelped, but he was faster and in the same careless motion, he'd torn through the thin bandages that served as the binding across my chest too so that my breasts were exposed.

I started to cross my arms over myself but he caught my wrists in his brutal grasp again and held them apart as he studied my body before meeting my eyes with a rueful smile.

"I want you, and I'm gonna have you. It's my bad luck that this ain't the time or place for it. For now, I gotta ride today and you should get on back home, Lou. What's that short for anyway? Louise? Loulabelle? Mary Lou? Your men are missing you, I am sure. You think long and hard before you tell those boys of yours about any of this. The second I get wind that they know something happened between you and me is the second I ride for St. Joe. I'll find you, darlin' and let you know what you can do for me, soon. For now though, I'll settle for another kiss. Bite me again, you'll regret it."

His fingers were like steel bands encircling my wrists as he claimed my mouth, plundered it, and then abruptly stepped back and walked out of the tack room, whistling a cheerful tune. He set my gun carelessly by the door as if it never occurred to him I might use it on his retreating form.

I might have, had I been able to walk. To speak. To think clearly.

Holding the two halves of my torn shirt closed in a white-knuckled fist, I slid down the wall on boneless legs and pressed a hand to the back of my lips. I am not sure how long I sat in the shadows and stared at the open doorway in shock with not an idea what I was going to do about this.

I couldn't face the boys. I realized this halfway back to Sweetwater, when I had to stop and lean off the horse, finding myself ill on the trail below. I still imagined the taste of onions and his stale breath in my mouth. I had been trembling nonstop since leaving Willow Springs, yet my palms were slick with nervous sweat so it was not the cold that affected me.

I had been relentlessly turning over everything Danny had threatened, trying to work around it. I had no doubt in my mind that he meant to follow through with his threat of turning me into the company should I not agree to his demands. There was also no doubt in my mind that the company would fire me and erase all traces of Lou McCloud from their books should they find out I was a girl. And Teaspoon and maybe even the boys would certainly be in danger of the same fate for hiding me. My family would be broken apart. Again.

I was surprised when a tear dropped onto the saddle in front of me.

There was nothing anyone could do to me worse than taking away the family of my heart, after I had such a rough go with the family of my blood.

Danny had been right about finding the right currency to make women do as he wanted. I had two choices that I could see. Let Danny do as he would until he tired of it and me, or kill him. My mind circled over these options like a bird of carrion wheeling over a corpse.

I stalled on the ride home, and spent time by a pretty river on the trail, just sitting on the horse and watching the water carve the land, my tumultuous thoughts running with the same relentless currents through my mind.

I did not know what I would do about Danny yet but I knew for now I had to hide what had happened. There would be absolutely no holding the boys back if they learned the truth. I wasn't sure what I was going to do but I _was_ perfectly sure of what they would do. And if they moved on Danny they took my choice in the matter away. There was too much at stake and the weight of that was paralyzing me.

I knew myself well enough to know I could not convincingly lie to them now, exhausted and overwrought as I was. So I wouldn't face them yet, I decided.

They would be worried when I wasn't home by nightfall, but I hoped not panicked. It was not unheard of to be delayed on the trail, and it happened to all of us on occasion.

I rode in quietly well after dark, glad to see the windows in Rachel's house were darkened and the bunkhouse curtains were drawn. I didn't want to speak to another living soul and dread weighed in my stomach like lead thinking of the day I had and what it meant.

I was careful to be silent as I cared for Lightning, not wanting to wake Teaspoon who was likely in the tack room. I left my saddle, bridle and blanket on an empty stall door and crept into the bunkhouse, avoiding the squeaking porch step by habit and only opening the door a fraction to slip inside.

The fire was low and the shadows high and only Buck stirred when I came in. I lifted a hand to him, keeping my bruised cheek averted from his sight and went straight to my bunk. I did not undress, because while I had changed into a spare shirt I had in my saddlebags after Danny ripped my other one, I had not brought more bandages for binding my breasts apart from those he had torn. Changing in the open was out of the question, even had I not been too exhausted to take the time.

I placed a foot on Kid's bunk, holding my breath and easing my weight onto it slowly. I couldn't bear to look at him and think of his patient and loving hands right now without being sick to my soul over what Danny had done, how easily he had reminded me of the hands Kid had unknowingly helped me overcome.

Kid muttered and shifted but did not wake up as I climbed up and under my covers. I turned to face the wall, exhausted, but my eyes remained wide open and my heart in my throat as I pondered losing this, and them.

I listened to the sounds they all made, let their nearness settle me. My heart rate slowed for the first time that day and I felt like I could draw a full breath of air again. They mattered to me more than anything in the world, with the exception of my brother and sister. As long as I was with them I would be all right. I was safe here. Safer than I had ever been anywhere else. Whatever I had to do to keep them, I would do it.

I closed my eyes.

* * *

A/N: Thank you again for the encouragement. It makes my day, and week! As some of you have noted, yes-this story is dark...maybe darker than some of my other stories, but something about it in my head wants to be told.


	4. Chapter 3: Untruths

Chapter 4: Untruths

 _(Jimmy)_

He awoke with a start, feeling troubled about something but forgetting what. Then awareness came over him and he thought of Lou, who had not come back from her run that afternoon as scheduled.

He turned on his bunk and sighed with relief when he saw her slight form outlined beneath the mountain of blankets she insisted upon in the winter. He often wondered how she breathed.

It had been a tense afternoon. Kid had been his typical nervous nelly self about her failure to show up early, but as the hours wore on, Jimmy could not deny the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

When Kid had suggested riding out to look for her, Jimmy had been of a mind to agree to ride with him.

Teaspoon had told them, "Boys I know you worry over Lou but you got to give her space to do her job. And you got to do yours. Which means you can't spend your down time going after her when there ain't no reason in the world to assume something is wrong. Delays ain't a cause for worry."

"But Teaspoon…" Kid protested.

"Lou can handle herself." Teaspoon interrupted him.

It was Buck who spoke up then, "None of us would argue that...It's just with Lou there are different consequences to her getting in trouble than the rest of us."

Teaspoon nodded and sighed. "Don't think for a minute that I don't know it and that it don't keep me awake at night from time to time. But I trained that girl myself, same as I trained you boys...mostly cause I didn't know any better. But she is either one of us...or she ain't. And I thought we agreed she was."

"Teaspoon she is...it's just that she is so small and she don't look like a boy no more," Cody murmured, "Someone catches her, she can't fight off a big man, much less a group of them."

"Boys, do you want Lou to stay on here or not?" Teaspoon finally asked.

"What kind of question is that Teaspoon?" Jimmy growled.

"Course we do. She's one of us!" Cody insisted.

"Then you're gonna have to learn to let that girl do her job. For one thing, she's damn good at it. For another, she has already agreed to some things to keep herself safe, like not staying overnight at other stations. But you all keep fussing over her and you're gonna make her doubt herself. And that's more dangerous for her than anything else out there. You understand me?"

Jimmy felt a pang of guilt, remembering the hurt on her face when he told her he wanted to take her run. Making her doubt herself was exactly what he had done.

Uneasy with worry, he had said nothing further about going after her even as evening became night and it was time to go to bed with no sign of her on the horizon.

Now, seeing her in her bunk, Jimmy sighed in relief. At least she was home and they hadn't made matters worse by riding after her.

As usual, Teaspoon was right. Jimmy was only marginally annoyed to realize that, so great was his relief to have her home safe from Johnson's Station. He'd had such a rotten feeling about her taking that ride.

His relief turned to scrutiny when he heard her murmur in her sleep and toss about restlessly. She sounded distressed.

He would never have admitted it to the others, and if he had it would have earned him a black eye from Kid, but he sometimes liked to watch her sleep when rest eluded him. She usually slept still and easy, curled on her side with the blankets pulled up to her ears and her hand curled under her chin. Her lashes were long enough to cast shadows in the firelight. He liked the look of her sleeping peacefully, she rarely let her guard down in her waking hours. He thought she looked beautiful with her worries smoothed away from her expressive brow.

Tonight though, there was nothing peaceful about her.

She lurched in the bed and turned towards Jimmy. His breath caught in a rough gasp. He dared hope it was just a shadow he saw on her face but he didn't think so. He swung his feet over the side of the bed and jumped down abruptly.

Cody stirred and mumbled, "s'wrong?"

"Go back to sleep, Billy," Jimmy muttered but did not look away from Lou who had cried out softly in her distress and turned her head back toward the wall.

He moved toward her. She was becoming more agitated, tossing her head from side to side as if trying to escape something.

"Jimmy, don't," Buck warned in a low voice from across the room about the time Jimmy reached up and put a hand against Lou's unbruised cheek to rouse her.

The result was chaos.

Lou let loose a scream unlike any sound he'd ever heard come from her. It was a sound caught between fury and agony and it bounced around the bunkhouse in painfully shrill echoes. Jimmy leapt back as if he had been burned at the same time Kid launched himself out of the lower bunk and at Jimmy's torso, mindlessly protecting Lou. They both crashed to the floor as curses and commotion erupted all over the bunkhouse.

The boys stumbled about, most of them just coming to full waking, their guns in hand as they tried to locate the source of the blood-chilling scream that had roused them from dreams.

Jimmy had managed to dodge two blows from the Kid, who sat on him, swinging into consciousness, but the third caught him square in the mouth.

"Damn it Kid, it's _me!_ " Jimmy growled, using all his force to roll Kid off of him. "Get off!"

In the confusion that followed, there was a moment when everyone forgot about the source of the disturbance in the first place. But Ike furiously beat his fist on the table in the middle of the room and when he had their attention made the sign that meant Lou and pointed at the bunkhouse door.

Jimmy scrambled to his feet and was first out the door, with the other boys following in groggy confusion.

He wasn't prepared to find her sitting on the stairs, doubled over, head almost between her knees, gasping for air. Her shoulders heaved as if with silent sobs and as he watched her she yanked both hands through her hair and clutched fistfuls of it, as if she were anchoring herself there.

Jimmy dropped into a crouch beside her. When he put a gentle hand on her shoulder she yelped and flinched away as if he had hurt her with the light touch. Feeling sick with worry, Jimmy dropped his hand immediately and backed away. He walked down the steps and stood in front of her instead, nearly eye level with her but with the distance of the steps between them. She did not pick up her head.

Kid lowered himself onto the step cautiously at her side, but having seen her reaction to Jimmy did not try to touch her. He sat at an arm's length and watched her, and Jimmy saw that the color had fled from his face. Ike sat at her other side like a silent sentinel while the rest of the boys fanned across the porch, looking nervously at Lou who seemed to be trying to curl herself into a small enough ball to disappear altogether.

They all stood in silent support for her for long minutes with no sound apart from her hitching breaths as she fought for control.

"Lou?" Kid tried cautiously to get her attention.

Finally she picked her head up. Jimmy from directly in front of her and Kid sitting on her left side had the first full view of her bruised face in the low light from the porch lanterns they had left burning for her.

Jimmy met Kid's gaze briefly before both of them looked back to Lou. Tears made shiny tracks down her pale face, and nearly the entire side of her face was marred by an angry purple bruise that looked like someone had caught her with a powerful blow.

Kid spoke first, his voice gentler than Jimmy's would have been at the moment. "Lou, what happened?"

"I...it was a bad dream. I just had a bad dream. I-I'm sorry I woke y'all but you should go back to-"

"To your _face_ , Lou. He means what happened to your face. Who did that to you?" Jimmy interrupted her, and he tried to make his voice easy like Kid's but he heard the hard edge to it and so did Lou.

She turned liquid brown eyes to his for a moment and he saw fear plain as day in her stare and then she lowered her lashes and her gaze slid away and Jimmy knew in that moment she was going to lie to them. To him.

"Relay horse flung her head up and popped me in the face. I was leaning forward and she spooked."

Jimmy wondered if the others felt the rehearsed nature of that response or if he was just overly committed to the idea she was lying about what happened.

"Why were you so late?" Cody wondered from behind them. "We was worried."

"Just wasn't feeling well this morning. Got a late start out of Willow Springs and didn't push it too fast coming home."

"Lou, you really alright? Ain't ever known you to have a nightmare like that," Noah persisted.

Jimmy watched Lou's gaze find Buck's, and in return Buck met her eyes steadily but without challenge. Whatever secret he knew, his nature meant he wasn't likely to disagree with whatever she was going to say next, Jimmy knew. He also knew it was likely to be another lie.

"Me neither. Dreamed I was riding against a prairie fire and it was about to overtake me. Expect the idea got put in my head overhearing some old timers talk about it at the hotel restaurant yesterday. I dreamed I was getting burned up."

Jimmy met Kid's eyes again and he noticed Kid looked as skeptical as he felt.

"Look, boys, I am fine. Just shook up by that dream. I am sorry to have woken y'all but can I just have some time to collect myself? Alone?"

"You sure you are all right?" Buck asked and Jimmy watched as another long look passed between them.

"Sure," Lou nodded and Jimmy saw when her eyes again slid away from Buck's; she was unable to hold his stare.

To have fooled so many with her deception about her identity, Jimmy thought she was the worst liar he had ever met.

The boys filed back inside. Kid watched her for a beat longer and then with a sigh, got up and left her there on the step. Jimmy set his foot on the bottom step and leaned forward. Her eyes flicked over him nervously when she realized he was staying put. She glanced away, but her gaze came back to rest warily on his face as he spoke.

"Have any trouble at Johnson's Station?"

She shook her head, meeting his eyes with something like defiance, lips pressed into a thin line.

"What about Danny?" Jimmy pushed her, his stare offering her no quarter. He saw surprise flash across her face at the name, saw her swallow hard.

"Out on a ride. Didn't see him," she finally shrugged, looking just past him.

"Uh-huh," Jimmy muttered back. "Lou, why do I get the feeling that every word out of your mouth tonight has been a lie? What's wrong with you?"

Her eyes snapped to his, a flush of anger coming fully into her face. "You about stop my heart creeping up on me when I'm sleeping and then you think you got the right to interrogate me? What the Hell is wrong _with you_!"

He was glad to see some fight in her, she seemed a bit more herself that way, but he wasn't letting go of his worry that easily.

"Never known you to let a horse knock you in the face, Lou," he began.

"Yeah, well, we all make mistakes sometimes, Jimmy."

"Not around horses you don't. Not ever, Lou. So you must've been pretty distracted to let that happen...why?"

"Damn it, Jimmy, why can't you just leave me alone!" Her eyes brimmed with furious tears, and then spilled over.

Jimmy was instantly contrite, and gentled his voice. "I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself right now and I get the feeling something happened you ain't talking about."

"I had a bad day, Jimmy, all right? And I need five damned minutes to myself to sort through it without 10,000 questions about everything under the sun from the lot of you."

"Lou...you know if you ain't fine, that'd be alright, don't ya? You know you're allowed to ask for help if you need it, right? Hell, we've all been in enough trouble we ain't no strangers to it."

"Leave me alone, Jimmy," she whispered, and he heard the emotion rising in her throat and knew she was near to losing her control in front of him. He also knew she wouldn't go easy on herself if she did so.

"All right, Lou. I'm here...we all are...if you need us."

He left her there, reluctantly, glancing back once to look at her before going inside. She'd dropped her head back into her hands, clutching at her hair again. It took everything in him to leave her there all alone while he went into the bunkhouse, even though it was what she had asked for.

Kid was on his feet, most of the others still sitting up on their bunks.

"She's lying," Kid said with certainty to Jimmy the moment the door was closed again.

Jimmy nodded, "Sure as hell is. But she ain't ready to talk about whatever it is that really left that mark on her face."

"Give her some space," Buck suggested. "She knows she can come to us if she needs help."

"Wish I was sure of that, Buck," Jimmy murmured. "I think she's got it in her head that we all doubt

her...I'm afraid she thinks coming to us for help would just make it worse. And I don't know how to convince her otherwise right now. Not after all that's happened. We did a number on her when we left her behind to get Amanda."

Kid's eyes flashed to Jimmy's, but he hadn't meant it as an accusation. It had been a point of contention between them that had ended in blows regarding Lou. Kid had wanted her to stay away from the onset, Jimmy had wanted her to come with them after the Pike brothers.

Kid sighed finally and relented, "You're right about that. We should never have done that to her. _I_ shouldn't have."

"She'll be fine. It's Lou," Cody finally shrugged, easing back on his bunk as the tension in the room lightened with Kid's admission. "She is the toughest one of the lot of us. Let's get some sleep. It'll be sun up before we know it and she's safe enough right now."

It was a good point.

Still, Jimmy lay awake until the door opened and she crept back in, silent in her sock feet. Most of the others had drifted back to sleep. He lowered his lashes, letting her think he was asleep too, not wanting her to know he'd waited up for her.

When she put a foot on Kid's bunk to step up to hers, Kid sat up, having waited up too.

He said her name softly, and reached out to put a hand on her ankle, halting her progress. She stepped back down to the floor and stood before him, docile. Jimmy knew the conversation that followed was not for his ears, but he couldn't help but listen to their low voices.

"Lou, can we talk for a minute?" Kid asked softly.

"Sure, Kid," Lou murmured but declined to sit when Kid indicated the spot on the bunk beside him.

"Lou...leaving you behind when we went after Amanda...we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. It was my idea, Lou. Mine. And the others, they tried to talk me out of it. I'm sorry. I had no right asking them to leave you behind. I want you to know that it was about me...not you."

Jimmy watched Lou's face in profile as she studied the fire and absorbed Kid's confession. He would have expected her to get riled at Kid, but she seemed distracted, like the meaning of Kid's confession had not soaked into her consciousness.

When she did not respond, Kid reached out and touched her hand to get her attention. Reluctantly Lou's head swiveled back toward Kid. "Lou...this nightmare you had tonight...it seemed like the one you had at Redfern station, after you and me, you know...were...together." Jimmy couldn't see, but he imagined Kid's ears had gone bright red. Hell, he felt like his own cheeks might have gotten hot.

Every one of them had known what had happened when Kid and Lou went to Redfern together. Jimmy wondered what he meant about the nightmares she'd had after they had _danced_ , as they'd called it delicately, all those months ago.

Jimmy saw her straighten in surprise, gathered she hadn't realized Kid had noticed her nightmare or that she had not realized she'd had one at all. She took a moment, was silent as she pondered that.

"Look, I'm tired, Kid, so if there ain't nothing else..." she said dismissively, her voice raw and her eyes overbright from tears in the firelight.

"Lou, I know I messed up a lot of things...know I did a lot wrong, but Lou, I still care about you, and if you need help, I want to help you. Do you need help, Lou?"

"Course not," Lou murmured. Jimmy watched how she crossed her arms over her body, as if she were holding herself together.

"Lou…" Kid began again, looking lost, but Lou interrupted him, holding up her hands in something like surrender, "Please, Kid, I'm so tired...I just want to sleep now."

Kid sighed, eyes on her face. Jimmy couldn't see her expression, but Kid's was full of concern as he moved back so that she could step on his bunk to get to her own.

Jimmy though, noted, as tired as she claimed to be, that she didn't sleep another wink the rest of the night.

Neither did he.


	5. Chapter 4: Understanding

Chapter 5: Understanding

"My goodness, Louise, what happened to your face?"

Rachel's voice startled me out of nearly falling asleep sitting at the table. I touched my cheek self-consciously and murmured the same lie I'd told the boys in a voice hoarse from lack of rest. Two nights of virtually no sleep on the heels of a hundred mile ride. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and ridiculously close to tears again because of it.

"Got in late last night, huh? Get held up yesterday?" Teaspoon asked and I didn't look at him but could feel his stare heavy on me. Wordlessly, I nodded. He persisted. "You alright, Lou?"

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and nodded again. In my peripheral vision I could see the concerned looks flying from one of the boys to the next. By some apparently tacit agreement among them they had opted not to mention my nightmare to either Rachel or Teaspoon and for that I was thankful.

I knew Teaspoon and Rachel were both perceptive enough to understand something was amiss but they didn't make a scene about it at the breakfast table and I was glad when the conversation around me picked up and wrapped me in a comforting bass hum that insulated me but did not require my participation.

I must have nodded off because suddenly my head snapped back as I startled myself awake. Teaspoon's chuckle reached my ears, "Lou, you rest up. You had me scared you was gonna drown in your oatmeal. Boys, we need to get supplies in town this morning. Who is up this afternoon for runs?"

There was a flurry of activity as the boys pushed away from the table, grabbing a last bite and hurrying about to find their hats and gloves.

I watched, groggy, as they filed out. Jimmy, the last one out, paused beside me, putting a light hand on my shoulder.

"Better today?" he asked with a smile.

Almost involuntarily, the corners of my mouth rose in an answering smile, and I was instantly contrite about my anger towards him the night before.

Jimmy was probably the best friend of my life and he had only been concerned about me. I recognized that he would hold himself accountable if he thought Danny had given me trouble because of their altercation. I knew it would be the same as his deep and abiding guilt over what had happened with Hopkins.

Being caught by the ex-gunfighter had overshadowed one of the loveliest days I had ever spent with Jimmy, with anyone for that matter. He had made me feel special, despite the fact that what I had witnessed happening between Kid and the school teacher new to town had made me feel anything but. My feelings for Jimmy were miles more complicated after that ride than before.

"I'm fine, Jimmy. Just tired."

He dropped onto the bench beside me and nudged me with his shoulder. "Get some rest. Everything looks better after sleeping on it and it don't look like you did much of that in awhile," he advised.

I leaned into him for just a moment, remembering what it had felt like to be taken up into his arms after his fight with Hopkins as he rushed to me, flinging the noose from around my neck and gathering me to him. He had given me the protection of his gun and body, at risk to himself.

I had allowed myself to fall apart against him after the long night of terror with Hopkins, of waiting and knowing Jimmy would do exactly what he had done, sacrificing himself for me. Just as Hopkins planned. I had been so scared I was going to get him killed. And yet, it had been him to apologize. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he had whispered over and over as he rocked me into his chest there by the creekside Hopkins chose as his last stand.

"I gotta go," he murmured a moment later and I realized I had almost drifted off against his shoulder. "You gonna be all right here by yourself for a bit?"

Embarrassed, I nodded.

"Go to sleep," he ordered.

"I don't think I got much choice. Can't hold my eyes open."

But it turned out, tired as I was, I still could not sleep. Despite the lie about the nightmare I had told the boys, I remembered the real nightmare I had with vivid detail. Danny stalking me through the dark brothel hallway. In the dream he had cornered me in my old room, just like Wicks. And I had been cowering on the floor in a whore's dress several sizes too large and I hadn't been able to keep it covering me as he reached down, and when he touched me, the flesh had melted from my bones. That had been the point at which Jimmy had touched me in the bunkhouse to wake me, thus confusing my dreams with reality and bringing me back to the real world screaming as if I had been branded.

I had been thankful to wake from what would have come next in the nightmare, similar to the one I had with Wicks. I was now afraid of picking up the dream where I had left off.

I gave up on sleep, though it felt as if my eyes had been rubbed with sand and instead opened my saddlebags. I pulled out the shirt and fished for the buttons Danny had caused to pop off my shirt when he had ripped it open, baring me to his gaze.

I fetched a needle and thread and sat at the bunkhouse table with the small pile of buttons before me. My hand wanted to tremble remembering how I had crawled on my knees to retrieve each button after Danny had gone. I felt my cheeks grow warm in shame at the memory of that. I had left the torn binding in a pile on the floor and changed to my other shirt seconds before the stable master came in for the day.

I wished I could have burned the shirt, but I did not have the luxury of a large enough wardrobe to toss one out.

I started on the first button when the bunkhouse door creaked open and a long shadow fell on me. I hissed in pain as my hand jerked and I stabbed my finger with the needle.

"Ain't you supposed to be sleeping?"

I sucked at my sore finger and glared at Jimmy as he closed the door. "Ain't you supposed to be buying supplies?"

"Rachel decided she needed to go. Gave up my spot on the wagon. 'Sides it's my day off."

Jimmy came around and eased down at the table across from me. I turned back to my mending.

"Expected you to be sleeping so I was just gonna grab my book a-" he stopped talking so abruptly that I glanced up. His face had gone pale and his jaw ticked dangerously as he clenched it, staring at my sewing.

"Jimmy, what in the world is-"

He interrupted me, voice thick with some strong emotion that might have been fury...or fear. "Lou _how_ did all the buttons came off that shirt?"

I was taken by surprise that he would even notice what I was mending, and I stammered and cast about wildly in my sleep-deprived brain for an explanation.

"The truth would be faster. Probably easier too," he said it gently and reached across the table to put his hand over mine. "Don't lie to me, Lou."

I had to lie or I would lose everything.

"Jimmy…" I began.

He stood up abruptly and leaned across the table, not releasing my hand. With his other, he pushed the sleeve of my shirt higher up my wrist and with gentle pressure turned it, revealing purple oval fingerprints Danny had left there without me even realizing it.

I stared down at the bruises with abject horror for long moments until I became aware that Jimmy was not looking at my wrist any longer but rather right at my face, his eyes and features etched with pain. He looked very near tears.

My own eyes filled in response and I had no power to stop them in my exhaustion.

"Jesus Lou...did someone...did someone find out who you really are? Did someone...did...Lou, what happened?"

I disentangled my hand from his and abandoned my mending, folding my hands into my lap and looking down at them, trying to think of the answer that would satisfy Jimmy without costing me my family. To Jimmy's credit, he kept silent, waiting more patiently than usual as I finally decided on some version of the truth.

"Jimmy, I can't tell you everything that happened. I just can't."

"Why can't you tell me, Lou? I might be able to help. At least I would try my damndest."

"I know that Jimmy… but I am alright. Look, I had a scare but I swear to you that I am fine. What you think happened didn't happen. I ain't hurt."

"Like Hell you ain't. Look at your face. Your wrists. Hell, your shirt. Lou, what I think happened is that someone forced himself on you. Please tell me I am wrong."

I struggled with how to answer that, heart beating in my throat and thrumming in my temples. "Someone tried to do what you said, but they didn't, all right? They just wanted to scare me."

He banged the table with the fist he suddenly had clenched, making me jump skyward, and he leapt to his feet, fingers twitching toward his gun. "Who the hell was it?"

"I don't know. A stranger." It was easier to lie knowing the truth would only hurt him. I might be able to trust Jimmy with any number of secrets, but if I gave him the name he wanted there would be absolutely no staying him from going after Danny.

And the risks involved in that were greater than Danny getting me, Teaspoon or the boys fired. Jimmy might be killed if he called Danny out. Danny would be ready for him and I had zero doubt Jimmy would do exactly that if he knew the half of what happened the day before. In fact, I think Danny had done it half-hoping Jimmy would come for him. I wasn't giving the Danny the satisfaction.

"Where?" Jimmy demanded, still ready to bolt to my defense even without a name.

"It doesn't matter Jimmy."

"Is the bastard dead?"

I hesitated, considered lying, but sighed, "No."

"Then it matters plenty Lou! What the hell happened?"

"Jimmy, I handled it. I don't need you getting noble on me right now. And for sure I don't want the others hearing about this. Please don't ask me no more questions Jimmy. It shook me up and I don't wanna talk about it. And you know Kid will drive himself crazy and me too with getting to the bottom of it. But it's over and I am done talking about it and thinking about it. And if you keep asking questions I am gonna start lying again."

"But Lou…"

"Jimmy it's done and I need you to promise me you will let it be. I am fine...or I will be. Nothing bad happened." _This time_ , I told myself.

" _Nothing_ _bad_?" His voice and expression were incredulous. "Lou, you are scaring the hell outta me. You were attacked. He left marks on you! That's plenty bad!"

"Well, I been pretty damn scared myself, but I am home now and it's all right."

"Then why ain't you sleeping, Lou? And the nightmare...was it about that?"

I shrugged, dropping my eyes in embarrassment.

"Make you a deal," Jimmy finally relented. "You get some sleep right now and I promise not to say nothing to the others. I ain't promising I am done asking about it, though. But you gotta rest Lou...you are near to falling over with exhaustion. You'll get sick."

"Jimmy, I can't sleep," I said in a small voice that was suddenly crowded with tears and desperation. "I'm so damn tired but I can't."

"Yeah...I know something about trying to keep nightmares at bay, Lou. But you gotta sleep. Come on. I will sit with you and the first sign of a nightmare crosses your face and I will wake ya. Promise."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Can't think of a single thing I wouldn't do for you, Lou McCloud'," he said gruffly and walked around the table, putting a hand under my elbow and pulling me to my feet.

Spontaneously, he pulled me to him, hugged me tight, and I was mortified to feel tears sliding down my face as I buried it against him and inhaled the smell of leather, smoke, horse and man that meant family and safety for me.

Jimmy held me tight and lay his cheek on the top of my head. "Lou, I am so sorry. I can't stomach the thought of someone hurting you. Good for you for fighting the bastard off. You really can take care of yourself, can't you?"

I felt shame wash through me because in no way had I succeeded in fighting Danny off. I had been left mostly unhurt because Danny had chosen to walk away. If he hadn't, I would not have been able to stop him from taking things as far as he wanted to.

I let Jimmy lead me to my bunk and did not protest when he turned down the blankets and all but lifted me up to the bed. He pulled the blankets back over me and stood there for a moment at eye level with me. He finally brushed the hair back from my forehead in a gesture that felt almost fatherly, and whispered, "Sleep. I will be right here and ain't nothing getting through me. And I won't leave you to the nightmare neither."

And with that he dragged a chair to the side of the bunk and sat down with his book, propping his feet on Kid's bunk. He met my questioning gaze with a wink and smile and then turned his attention to the book.

I studied him a moment longer. Reading still did not come easy to him, but I so admired his commitment to staying with it. I admired plenty about this sweet man.

And with his presence so close and knowing without a doubt that he would keep his word to watch over me with that same dogged determination he used to make sense of the words on the page, I finally slept deep and dreamlessly.

* * *

The setting sun was slanting through the bunkhouse windows when I next stirred. I rolled over and saw Jimmy still sitting in the chair I had left him in. He was dozing, book laying across his chest.

I sat up slowly, noticed my torn shirt now hanging from the footboard of my bunk. I glanced down at Jimmy, and then reached for the shirt.

Tears of gratitude touched my eyes when I realized Jimmy had sewn all the buttons back on it for me while I slept.

My motion roused him from sleep. Seeing the shirt clutched in my hands, Jimmy blushed and avoided my gaze as he got up and went to toss the book on his own bunk.

Before I could say anything, boots were pounding on the steps and the door creaked open, admitting Cody, Kid, and Buck.

"You feeling better, Lou?" Cody asked.

I hugged the shirt to myself and smiled at Cody, meeting Jimmy's curious gaze when I answered, "yeah, I'm feeling much more myself."

* * *

The next morning I took myself into town after breakfast, darkening Teaspoon's doorway. I had had another night fraught with bad dreams and I knew I wouldn't rest easy until I took steps to lessen my fears.

"Hello darlin'," he said with a wide smile that made my heart swell. Even before he knew I was a girl Teaspoon had always made me feel like he was glad I was in the world and in his presence. Like the others, things had changed when he found out I was a girl, but I didn't get the sense of doubt from him I sometimes did with the others. I felt like his pride and confidence in me had only grown since he had jumped in the swimming hole and gotten the surprise of a decade.

It had not been easy. We'd both tread carefully on the shifting sand of our relationship in those first weeks after but we had settled on something that was sacred to me. I didn't really know what it would be like to be a daughter whose father loved and took pride in her, but I did know I wished my own father had been a man such as this one and that where my father had failed me, he never had.

"Got a minute to talk?" I swallowed hard, nervous. I was terrified if he, or any of my family, discovered anything about my past that they would see me the same way my father had, that Wicks had. That would break me.

Teaspoon did me the courtesy of pretending not to notice my anxiousness. "Got all the minutes you need. Barnett is not due in for an hour so we got the place to ourselves."

I sat in the chair by his desk and refused his offer of coffee. I realized I had no idea how to begin and so I looked at my hands for long moments of uncomfortable silence.

"How's your jaw feeling, Lou?" he asked quietly.

Almost of their own accord, my fingers ghosted over the bruise. "Oh, it's not bothering me."

"Well it's bothering me. Makes me want to put a bullet in the horse that would do that to the prettiest rider in the whole express."

"Cody's feelings would be hurt to hear you say that, Teaspoon." I said dryly. Teaspoon's laugh filled the office and despite myself, a smile threatened.

However, when I met his eyes, I saw the steel underlying his good humor, and I knew he wasn't buying the story about a horse bruising my cheek.

"Are you ready to tell me what is troubling you sweetheart?"

"Teaspoon, I hate to ask you this, but is there any way I can be taken off the Johnson's Station run?"

"Sure you can...but thought your next run was in the other direction?"

"I don't mean to be taken off my next run, Teaspoon. I mean I don't want to make that relay ever again. I will gladly take an extra long run or do whatever I need to to make the schedule work…I just don't want to go back there."

I met Teaspoon's eyes and saw the confusion in his expression. That confusion darkened into something more sinister. "Lou...something happened at the station you ain't telling, besides that hogwash horse story."

"Yes," I said simply and folded my arms across my chest, steeling myself for battle.

"And judging from that particular tilt of your chin I am betting you ain't going to discuss it with me?"

"That's real perceptive of ya Teaspoon," I said graciously.

He frowned. "Are you in danger?"

"No."

"Was a law broken?"

I hesitated. "I-I don't think so."

"You are a fountain of information, Lou."

I looked away, cheeks heating in agony.

"All right. Ain't never known you to ask for nothing and God knows even though you fought it like a wildcat, you have made some changes I asked for to let me sleep at night although you wasn't keen about it. If you are asking me for this now, I trust you got good reasons even if you ain't saying what they are. I will rework the schedule."

Overcome with relief, I leapt up and threw my arms around his neck. Out of sight, with any luck, out of Danny's mind.

"Well, hell. That was worth a little rescheduling," Teaspoon said gruffly and he held onto me tight for a second. "Anything else I can do for you?"

"You done plenty," I smiled back and turned to leave the office. At the doorway, I paused and turned back to find him studying me, concern etched on his face. He pulled his expression into more neutral lines when he realized I was looking at him.

"Yeah, Lou?" he asked when he saw the question in my eyes.

I had been about to ask him what he thought would happen if the company knew he had let a woman stay on as a rider...but I already knew.

I shook my head to negate the question and bolted from his doorway.


	6. Chapter 5: Unsettled

Chapter 6: Unsettled

 _Jimmy_

"Teaspoon, Rachel said you wanted to see me?" Jimmy said as a greeting as he entered the marshal's office, peeling off his gloves and settling heavily beside Teaspoon's desk. "Damn its cold."

"Barnett, would you give us a minute?"

Jimmy held his tongue as with his usual mystified and slightly annoyed look at the amount of secrets delivering the mail held, the deputy exited the jail.

"What's going on, Teaspoon?" Jimmy asked pointedly.

"Got a package needs delivering to Willow Springs. Was hoping you'd take it," Teaspoon said nonchalantly.

"I ain't on the schedule for that run," Jimmy pointed out. "But I'm guessing you already know that."

Teaspoon sat forward. "We both know something happened there during Lou's last run and I'd like to know what it was."

"Teaspoon, didn't you just give us a speech about leaving Lou alone to do her job? What was all that about making her doubt herself?"

"That was before she showed up black and blue and asked to be taken off that run for good."

Jimmy's fingers closed hard around the arm of the chair. The pieces of the story he had from Lou, his knowledge of those riders, and now this new information that she'd asked not to have to return, started to shift into a picture that made his blood boil. Had a rider been the one to try to force himself on her? And if so, why wasn't Lou out for his blood?

Although Jimmy worked hard to control his voice, it was strained when he asked Teaspoon, "Really? She asked you for that? Did she say why?"

"She didn't. You got any ideas?" Teaspoon asked with a look that Jimmy knew meant his blood-lust was not well hidden. Jimmy shifted uncomfortably, his loyalty to Lou and concern for her at war.

"Teaspoon, I ain't much on prying in other people's business. Especially Lou's. Not to mention how she'd feel."

"I ain't wild about it either, Son. But my money's on the fact she is in trouble. Will you go? See what you can find out?"

"Teaspoon, you know I don't like to tell you no...but this don't feel like my place...and if Lou found out..."

"Son, I ain't sure who else to ask. I don't know where things stand between Lou and Kid right now, but I do know that boy won't be able to keep it quiet if he gets wind something might be threatening her. I don't know where you and Lou stand either, exactly, but I do know you two got an understanding of each other...and that you'll put it to good use when you're asking your questions. But if you'd rather I send Cody..."

Jimmy leveled a glare at Teaspoon at the suggestion of sending the rider most likely to place his foot in his mouth to make what would at best be sensitive inquiries. Jimmy dropped his forehead into his hand and rubbed it for a minute. "All right, damn it. I'll do it. That was a nice touch, throwing Cody's name in at the last minute."

"Well, I certainly thought so, son," Teaspoon said with a slight smile and slapped him on the shoulder.

* * *

 **Fifty miles later, Jimmy blinked and stood dumbly in front of Joe for a half a minute, sure he'd heard the station manager wrong.**

"Come again, Joe?" he finally asked.

He had barely had time to step off his horse when Joe came out into the station yard and lay into him, flapping his arms about and driving his finger into Jimmy's chest. _You Sweetwater boys may be the darlings of the whole damned express but you ain't got no right riding in here to my station and…_

"I _said_ you tell Teaspoon Hunter that the next time one of you boys holds a gun on one of _my_ riders that I'm authorizing them to respond in kind! I won't have it, you hear? And I'm sending a letter to the main office, informing them of this behavior! I ain't having it!"

"Look, I don't know what you heard but I didn't pull my gun last time I was here. I got into a disagreement with one of your riders, and some punches were thrown because he was being an ass, I'll admit that, but no guns were drawn, Joe."

"Ain't talkin' bout you, Hickock. I'm talking about that scrawny boy, Lou."

Jimmy's first response was to snort in disbelief. "There ain't no way Lou'd do something like that."

"Well, he did. Seems him and Danny musta had words in the stable and next thing Danny knew, the boy had drawn down on him."

Jimmy felt the pulse in his temple as anger surged in his blood. Was this where Lou had been attacked, at the station? And why had she lied to him about Danny being on a ride? "Anybody see what happened?"

"Naw, the others were on the porch, but said the fellow rode out of here like he was on fire."

"So it's just Danny's word?"

"Don't see no reason for the man to lie about something like that," Joe pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I'm telling you right now, Joe, that if, and I mean _if_ , Lou pulled his gun on Danny then he had a damn good reason to do it."

"Danny said he was defending you. Said they had words. Said Lou called him a coward and he took a swing at Lou. Rather than fight back, the boy drew his gun and held it on him."

"Well, damn it, Joe. You can't hardly blame, Lou. Danny's twice his size," Jimmy reasoned, voice clipped with anger.

"Don't matter his size. A man don't respond that way unless he's spoiling for trouble or blood."

"Where the hell is Danny right now?"

"Don't you go getting no notions of causing no trouble at my station, boy. We've had a bellyfull of it between you and your friend."

"Ain't looking for trouble. Looking for answers. Where is he?"

"He's on a run to Ft. Laramie. He won't be back for a couple of days."

"Look Joe, I'm sorry about the trouble, but I'm telling you that something else happened...Lou ain't a hothead and he ain't looking for trouble. What if I tell Teaspoon to take him off this run and you don't have to deal with him no more? That hold you off from writing your letter to the main office?"

"If Teaspoon's fool enough to keep the boy on, I guess it ain't my business. But you don't send him back this way again, you hear?"

"Don't worry about that," Jimmy muttered. "He won't be back here. You let Danny know it."

And as Jimmy rode his horse away, abruptly he changed directions with a tug on the reins. _Damn it,_ he thought, _I'll let Danny know it._

* * *

I wandered into the barn, seeking Ike. I found him where Rachel said I would, looking after a lame horse. Cody was with him, which I hadn't planned on. Even though Ike didn't talk, you'd never know it from the constant stream of chatter coming from the mare's stall.

My lips twitched. Cody required little input to his tales, just audiences.

I paused outside the stall door and waited for them to notice I was there. Ike glanced up from his crouch by the animal's fetlock and smiled at me. Cody stopped talking long enough to nod to me in greeting.

"Hey, Lou," Cody said and eyed me cautiously before asking, "how you doing?"

The fact that I had not slept well the last two nights had not gone unnoticed by any of the riders and I was restless, irritable, in ill spirits, and because of it had been a bit more prone to snap at the boy's foolery than usual. They were all treading carefully around me, not wanting to fall victim to my next tongue-lashing. I was looking forward to taking my ride tomorrow just to be by myself for a few days.

"Ike, I come to ask a favor of you," I muttered.

Ike didn't exactly flinch, but I could tell from his wary expression he thought that whatever favor I might ask him, he wasn't going to like it very much.

Cody stayed planted where he was in the stall and looked curiously between us.

"Do you mind, Cody?" I growled.

"Generally not," he shrugged, and leaned against the stall wall to let me know he wasn't going anywhere.

"You can't tell the others," I insisted. I wouldn't have had to say that to Ike, because I knew Ike could be trusted. My eyes pinned Billy Cody to the wall with a thousand threats.

"Aww, Lou, I can keep a secret with the best of…"

Ike and I snorted at exactly the same time.

"All right. I promise," Cody muttered, wounded.

"All right then, maybe you can help too. I need to know how to throw a punch."

Silence prevailed as both of them stared at me as if I had sprouted another head. Cody's incredulous voice finally echoed down the aisle of the barn. "What?"

"Like a man," I added, in case I was not clear enough.

I looked at Ike, ignoring Cody. "Will you show me how?"

Ike looked me in the eye, his expression solemn.

"Seems like a big enough mistake giving a firecracker like you a gun...now we're gonna teach you to use your fists?" Cody shook his head. "Sounds like a dangerous proposition to me, Ike. Especially given her surly mood lately."

I glared at Cody but he just smiled blandly in return. When I turned back to Ike, his expression was concerned. I saw his eyes dip down to take in my bruised jaw and cheek and then his hands moved quickly as he signed, _Why do you want to know?_

"Cause it's something I need to know that I don't," I muttered, and cast my gaze down at the stall door so I wouldn't see the looks that were sure to pass between Cody and Ike.

I felt the joy in needling me leave Cody, and the fun in his tone was replaced by worry. "Lou, somehow I'm thinking you ain't gonna be punching no horse that popped you in the cheek. You came by that bruise some other way, didn't you?"

I didn't respond immediately and he came forward to stand just before me, the stall door still separating us. When I didn't look up, he took my chin in a gentle grasp and titled it back, forcing me to look him in the eye.

"Damn it, Lou. Someone hit you? A man?" Cody's voice was getting riled up and louder by the word. "Who the hell-"

"I ain't talking about it!" I snapped and stepped back out of his grasp. "Are you gonna help me or not, damn it?"

There was a long silence while I battled with the blush heating my cheeks.

"Well since you asked so sweetly...I'm in," Cody shrugged.

Ike nodded too, but his eyes were still troubled as he and Cody came into the aisle of the barn with me.

"You know who throws the best punch out of any of us is Kid," Cody pointed out.

"And he'd just love teaching me how," I noted sarcastically and Cody sighed and nodded in acknowledgement of this fact.

"Show me how you make a fist," Cody instructed, crossing his arms across his chest.

"I don't, generally," I muttered.

"You planning on fighting me every step of the way, Lou, or just most of 'em?" Cody growled back.

I saw Ike's grin before he dropped his head to hide it and despite myself I smiled too. "At least half," I admitted.

 _Let's see_ , Ike signed.

Eager to impress my teachers, I pulled my hand into what I felt certain was a model fist and held it up for inspection.

"That's _great_ ," Cody said flatly.

"It is?" I was surprised but pleased.

"Yep, if you want to break your thumb," he continued, looked at me skeptically and paused. Then tilting his head to the side, he asked, "you really ain't never thrown a punch before?"

I glared at him. "Seems more likely I'm about to with every minute that goes by…"

"Go ahead. That way is gonna hurt you more than me, I promise," Cody suggested, sticking his jaw out. It required every bit of self-control I possessed not to swing at his smug face.

Sensing the lesson was about to spiral out of control, Ike stepped in front of Cody. He took my hand, unwrapping my clenched fingers from around my thumb and then curling them back over my palm. He tucked my thumb close to my fingernails and pressed hard to indicate to me to leave it there.

Cody nodded. "You keep your thumb out of the fist and out of the way of your knuckles. You don't want that thumb anywhere near where you land a blow. So not like this…" he mimicked my first attempt, "or like this," he continued, and this time stuck his thumb to the side of his index finger. "Like this," he confirmed and held up his large fist in front of my nose.

He meant only to show me the correct form, and I knew that, but before I caught myself I took a quick step backwards. In fear.

I saw Cody's eyes before I dropped my own, and saw that I had floored him with my retreat.

"Lou," he said in apology, his voice uneven. Ike's expression was eloquent in its hurt for me as well. "I'd never…"

I shook my head and stepped back in front of him. "I know. I'm fine, Cody. Let's go."

He hesitated, eyes on my face for a long moment before sighing and nodding.

"Let's see your stance."

"My stance?" I asked dumbly.

"Say you're gonna hit me…"

"Seems likely," I quipped and his teeth flashed in a smile of relief that lit up his blue eyes as they crinkled in the corners.

"How you gonna do it?"

I shifted, feeling horribly foolish, but pulled my arm back and brought it in a slow arc toward his nose to demonstrate.

Just as slowly, he brought his hand up between us, knocked my blow aside and then showed me that he'd follow through the blow with an uppercut to my jaw.

"You ain't got the size and you ain't got the reach. You ain't never gonna have no business aiming that high if you are hitting a man of any size. You are gonna leave your face unprotected and break your knuckles on my jawbone."

"Seems like there are worse places to break my knuckles," I muttered.

Cody wasn't funning now though. He had taken my request to teach me seriously, and if I was to be his pupil I was to learn to do it well. I began to be sorry I had asked.

He launched into a full-on lesson of teaching me what I'd asked to know with Ike's help. Showing me where my feet were to be planted, how to hold my fists to guard my face, how to rotate my hips and shoulder before letting my elbow extend toward my target. He showed me how to aim for sternum, gut, throat, kidneys, how to rotate off my feet and control the swing so that my leading knuckles drove straight toward my opponent with no unnecessarily deviation from the straightest path from fist to target. Ike interjected now and then, with a gentle touch correcting my form, but left me mostly to Cody.

An hour, or an eternity as it felt to me, later, I was soaking in sweat despite the chilly day, and so were he and Ike. Our jackets were draped over the stall doors and we had all rolled the sleeves of our shirts up to our elbows. Still, Cody was relentless; repeatedly he made my go through the motions of various types of moves until they stopped feeling so awkward, pointing out my weak spots and unguarded angles.

Finally, after another show of what I had learned Cody and Ike looked at each other and nodded in satisfaction. I sighed in relief, feeling like my arms might fall off, and assuming I was done for the day.

Cody surprised me when he said. "All right. It's time for you to hit me for real, Lou."

I laughed, sure he was kidding but he met my eyes without a smile. My smile died away, "Not that it ain't tempting, Cody, but I ain't really hitting you."

"Yeah, you are. Because all this knowledge is one thing, but the feeling of a punch connecting is another. You need to know what it's like so it don't throw you should you ever have to do it."

"Well, I hope never to do it," I reasoned.

"I hope you don't neither. Except this time…"

"Cody. No."

"Lou. Yes."

My eyes flew to Ike's face in question, expecting him to bring Cody to his senses. To my amazement, Ike nodded his head, in agreement with Cody. _He's right._

Unexpectedly, my sore hands felt even shakier and cold unease wormed into my gut. I'd been struck by men before. With closed fists and with open hands, and I'd fought back the best I knew how, sometimes with more success than others. But one thing I thought I knew for certain was that there wasn't a man in my past who would stand and let me punch him in the face without swift and severe retaliation.

I knew William F. Cody about as well as I knew anyone. But there was just nothing in me that believed that he, or any man, couldn't be pushed to a breaking point.

"Would you rather hit Ike?" Cody asked, his eyes still deadly serious.

" _No_!" I exploded. "I ain't hitting either of you."

"So you've just been wasting my time this whole afternoon?" Cody lit into me, coming closer, past the distance I kept most people at.

"I asked you to teach my how to punch. I never said nothing about hitting you!"

"And I'm showing you how, damn it. Now, do you want to know how to defend yourself or do you want to just wait for some drifter on some trail to drag you off your horse and cut your throat because you can't bring yourself to fight back? Are you just gonna stand there while some low-life coward puts his hands on you?"

This was close to home and my heart raced. "Cody, stop it! I know what you're doing, trying to make me mad, but stop it!" I whispered harshly, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ike start forward to put a hand on Cody's arm to draw him back but Cody shook him off and pushed him back roughly, still towering over me.

He continued, provoking me purposefully, trying to rile me enough to strike him.

"Cole Lambert, that insurance fellow...how many men you gonna let push you around before you learn to fight back, Lou? Throw a punch, damn it! Fight!"

There was a roaring in my ears. I didn't hear his condescending voice any longer but rather a string of others.

 _You can't shoot me, Louise, you like me too much._

 _You'll never see morning._

 _You're all grown up, Louise._

 _This little lady here is gonna even the score._

 _You're as useless as your God damned mother!_

 _What else are you good for?"_

The hateful words whirled in my brain and rage obscured my view of Cody's face, inches from mine, still hurling insults at me.

Muscle memory of the last hour seemed to take control of me. My feet were braced apart, and before I really knew what had happened power had surged from the ground through my feet, hips, and shoulders and I let a perfectly formed fist fly at Cody's face. I missed his throat, which I'd been aiming for and instead caught him just below the jaw.

The blow reverberated back down my arm with a force that made my fingers tingle withv temporary numbness and I stumbled as Cody's head shot back, and his stream of taunting immediately ended. I fought for my balance as my weight came around, remembering through everything to use my shoulder to block my face for any incoming blows. I righted myself quickly and as his head was coming back down, took my other fist and drove it upwards, this time hitting him where I had planned, right in the windpipe.

I stood over him like a conquering hero as he fell flat on his back in the aisle of the stable. Behind him, Ike looked down at Cody, who was gasping like a landed fish, in amazement, then raised his eyes to mine in stunned silence before a massive grin split his entire face in two.

I blinked, freeing the tears that had risen in my eyes. Ike came forward and wrapped me in a hug that nearly squeezed the breath out of me, but I didn't mind.

I understood why Cody thought I needed to hit him, with sudden clarity. Because I'd thought I couldn't. Cody had sensed my doubt and my fear and had known that unless I tried it, I'd never believe myself capable of delivering a blow that could defend myself.

Dashing my tears with my forearm, I stepped back from Ike and collapsed on knees shaking with adrenaline at Cody's side.

He'd just been able to get his breath back and his jaw was pretty red at the moment, and if I had my guess would soon be black.

He reached a hand up to my face and gently lay it there, still struggling to breathe a bit. Finally, he patted my cheek and wheezed, "that's probably enough for the day, Lou. Would hate to tire you out."

I laughed and leaned down to kiss him briefly on the point of his jaw where my fist had struck. I then shakily climbed to my feet and offered my hand down to him. He took it and climbed stiffly to his own feet, hand touching his jaw gingerly.

"Damn, I'm a good teacher!" He said and pulled me into a hug.

I laughed again, despite myself. With his arm still around me, he turned me toward the exit to the barn.

We both paused when we saw Kid standing there, holding Katy's reins in loosened fingers, staring in open-mouthed amazement.

I wondered how long he'd been there, but judging from the way he looked at us as if we'd gone mad, I imagined long enough to see me plow a fist into Cody's face and throat and then hug him a moment later.

He watched us warily as if we were dangerous strangers inhabiting the bodies of the friends he knew as we walked toward him.

Cody, arm still slung about my shoulder, I think for support so that he could walk back to the bunkhouse, gestured weakly toward Kid when we passed him.

"Next time, hit him, all right?"

I smiled sheepishly at Kid. For his part, Kid seemed satisfied enough to see me smiling that he held what must have been quite a few questions on the tip of his tongue. He did not say a word as we left him in the barn.

* * *

A/N: I still thank you for the encouragement and patience. Real life obligations, not to mention the fact I don't know where I got my speed when writing when I was younger have made this a little slower in coming along than in the old days (I swear I think it's academic writing that has destroyed my creative writing skills!). Still, I have a map of where I'm going next, so I just have to get there! And Tetonlady, you were totally right. I couldn't find which terms might or might not have been in use in 1860, so I took a page from Lonesome Dove, one of my favorites, with the "poke" conversation! 


	7. Chapter 6: Unaware

Chapter 7: Unaware

 **** ** _Jimmy_**

He'd always had trouble with his anger. Enough trouble that he knew some of what he'd had written about him was not unfounded. He'd been a hothead, spoiling for a fight and to prove himself when he'd signed on for the Express. Temper had been his weakness, and if his skill with a gun had not been his strength, he supposed he'd have long ago been dead because of it.

Teaspoon, and to a lesser extent Sam, had taught him control, and it had been instruction that had tried them both; for Jimmy, it had been the hardest lesson of his life. He took great pride in the strides he'd made in his time with the Express. It had been a long while since he felt the edges of the control he thought he'd mastered peeling back at the corners. But during his ride to seek out Danny, his fury had only grown, simmering just under the limits of his restraint.

Now, as he stood in doorway at the bar in Laramie and watched the man who had struck Lou...and possibly worse...take a shot of whiskey while groping a bored-looking saloon girl, he realized his blood was boiling with rage and that an eruption of some sort was inevitable.

He _should_ have walked away, collected himself, and come back again when he could think clearly.

What he did instead was walk up to the bar, grab Danny by the shoulder to spin him around, and drive his fist directly into Danny's surprised face as the saloon girl shrieked and retreated. When Danny would have slumped to the ground, Jimmy grabbed the front of his shirt and hit him again, right in his mouth.

Danny sprawled to the floor, half-covering his face. As commotion erupted all around them, Jimmy stood above Danny, who looked up at him in shock.

"You gonna do something about that, or are you too much of a coward to hit someone your own size?" Jimmy snarled.

Danny scrambled to his feet and the bartender grabbed him by the back of the shirt and growled, "Take it outside!"

Danny eased himself back down on the barstool instead, assuring the barkeep, "ain't lookin for no trouble."

"I don't give a damn if you are looking or not, you've got it!" Jimmy growled. "Step outside."

Danny lifted his drink and swished it around in his mouth, wincing as the whiskey stung the cuts there. He spit a mouthful pink with blood on the floor near Jimmy's boot.

"I see Lou went running straight to you," Danny said at last.

"Lou wouldn't say a word, you bastard. But you just told on yourself, now didn't you?"

"Seems awful strange you riding so far out of your territory to defend another rider," Danny said, looking Jimmy in the eye with a shrewd gaze. "That's something a _man_ does for himself. You calling me out on Lou's behalf, Hickock? Seems like something you might do for a lover, not your bunkmate."

Some of Jimmy's rage receded as sobering fear replaced it. He was almost certain Danny knew Lou was a woman, that Danny had been the one to attack Lou when he found it out. Was sure that Danny was implying Lou was his lover. But the small voice of reason trying to be heard from leagues below his rage screamed that if he was wrong, if Danny didn't know after all, that he could ruin everything for Lou if he didn't handle this right.

"We got things to discuss outside," Jimmy said pointedly.

"Look, I ain't got no quarrel with you, and I ain't got no interest in facing off with your gun."

"I got one with you. You attack one of my friends, and then tell your station manager that he drew on you?"

"Lou did draw on me," Danny said.

"Not without good reason," Jimmy insisted.

"Look, Hickock. This is between me and Lou, and really I don't think Lou needs your help, being such a... _spirited._..sort..."

There was something in Danny's face that sickened Jimmy, made him even more certain that Danny had been the one to touch Lou...to put the bruises on her wrists, rip her shirt open, and to try to force himself on her. Had Lou been lying about being able to fight Danny off? Had things gone further and she'd just been too afraid or too proud to tell him? Is that where the nightmares were coming from?

But damn him, he still wasn't positive he was right. And without some hint from Danny, some confirmation, he couldn't be the one to give away her secret.

It cost him. It cost him his pride and every ounce of control he had in his body, which wasn't much at the moment. It was worse than polishing Longley's boots. He couldn't imagine walking away for anyone but Lou.

Defeated, Jimmy murmured. "I ain't fooling around, Danny. You go near Lou again, I ain't gonna call you out. I'm just gonna shoot you dead wherever I see you."

And with that, he turned and left Danny at the bar.

Danny called after him, "My, my. Lou must be a special friend indeed to warrant such protection from _Wild Bill_ himself."

Jimmy paused with his hand on the door of the saloon and turned around to meet Danny's eyes one more time. He nodded in confirmation. "Yeah. You better not forget that, Danny."

* * *

Kid stood on the porch and watched Buck come in fast from his ride, bent low over his tall chestnut gelding.

Ike took the mochila with practiced ease and was off, a trail of dust slowly settling in his wake.

Kid walked out to take Buck's reins as his friend jumped lightly down. Breathlessly, Buck ignored Kid's greeting and asked, "Where's Lou?"

"Left on a ride this morning. Why?" Kid asked, concern building fast when he saw Buck's worry at his answer. He felt the old chest-clenching fear he had felt every time Lou was in danger center over his heart. He had lived with that terror the entire time she had been his...fought it every time she rode out still. The last time he'd felt this way had been seeing her captured at Pike's Mission. "What's going on? Is she in trouble?"

"I'm not sure. Where is Teaspoon?" Buck asked.

"In town."

"Saddle up...I only want to tell this once."

Kid had worked himself into a near-panic by the time he tread on Buck's heels rushing into the marshal's office. Cody was sitting with Teaspoon playing checkers. Kid noted that his jaw was bruised near as bad as Lou's.

"What's going on boys?" Teaspoon asked after getting a look at both of their faces.

"I don't know Teaspoon but I heard some things in Apple Creek about Lou...seems like the other riders there heard she drew on a rider at Johnson's Station without any reason…Seems folks are mad there ain't been no consequences for her...or _him_ as they see it."

"That's crazy." Cody and Kid said simultaneously.

Teaspoon eyed Buck a minute and then clarified, "They are saying Lou drew on a rider? Which one?"

"No one seemed to know...or care. The ones that are talking are pretty riled up about it…"

"Damn," Teaspoon muttered and wondered where the hell Jimmy was. He had expected him back two days ago.

"Where is Lou now?" Buck asked.

"East. Ft. Kearney. She should be back late tomorrow," Kid supplied tonelessly, face pale with worry.

"What the hell happened at Johnson's Station?" Cody exploded.

Kid cleared his throat. "She ain't been herself since she came back with that bruise. Teaspoon, I been thinkin' maybe I should go to Johnson's Station and see if I can figure out what happened there…"

"Lou would have your head," Buck observed.

"Teaspoon?" Kid persisted.

"I already sent Jimmy," Teaspoon admitted and waited for the inevitable explosion from Kid.

He was not disappointed. Kid's brow lowered, "What the hell is he doing prying in Lou's business? Did he ask you to go?"

"I asked him," Teaspoon growled and when Kid started to protest held up his hand. "First of all, he was here. Second of all I didn't know if I could trust you to hold your temper Kid...or your tongue. Hard to believe that…"

Kid, in the middle of bristling with anger, looked a touch sheepish. Stubbornly he insisted, "It wasn't his place."

"His place is where I tell him. But if it makes you cool your britches, Jimmy agreed with you, Kid."

"That don't seem likely," a new voice interrupted and Jimmy strode into the office and found everyone in it looking drawn tight enough to snap.

No one acknowledged his attempt at humor so Jimmy asked, "What's going on? And why is Kid about to punch me?"

Kid rolled his eyes and started to protest this while Buck quickly told Jimmy, "Lou drew down on a rider out of Johnson's Station. Other riders are talking about it."

"Damn it," Jimmy cursed. His eyes slid to Teaspoon's, a question in them.

"I told em where you'd gone when it became apparent I would have to tie down Kid if I didn't," Teaspoon confirmed.

Jimmy supposed that explained the blood lust in Kid's eyes.

"What did you find out, Son?"

Uncomfortable to be talking about Lou's business in front of all of them, Jimmy paused, sorting in his mind what he knew from observation from what Lou had confided. It was a shaky sort of loyalty, but he intended not to upset it by betraying her confidence.

"She did draw on a rider. Danny at Johnson's. At least that is Danny's story. No one else saw her do it."

"She wouldn't," Kid insisted.

"Not without reason," Buck amended.

"Seems they had words in the stables." Jimmy couldn't bring himself to admit to them that he had been the subject of that disagreement. It made him sick with guilt to think of it, made him wish he'd shot Danny dead in Laramie all over again. "The story is that Lou called Danny a coward and Danny took a swing at her...knocked her down. She got up with the gun drawn and backed Danny out of the stables before riding out fast. Other riders saw her run."

"Lordy Lord." Teaspoon muttered.

"What the hell else was she supposed to do?" Kid defended. "Punch him back?"

"To them, that's exactly what the hell _he_ is supposed to do. You wouldn't expect a man to draw on you for that...especially not after calling you a coward." Teaspoon sighed, scrubbed a hand over his face. "What a mess."

"She didn't know how to fight back," Cody said, his hand covering his mouth and his eyes closed. "She didn't know how to fight with her fists like a man. She...she asked me and Ike to show her...the other day...I wasn't sure why."

Jimmy persisted, "Station manager was ready to file a complaint with the company but I think I talked him out of it, so long as Lou stays away...but seeing as how I kinda punched Danny in the mouth when I found him in Laramie...not sure what Joe is or is not gonna do."

Teaspoon groaned.

Jimmy winced. "That ain't all...I ain't sure but I think Danny may know she is a woman."

"How?" Kid snarled.

Jimmy eyed him steadily. "I don't know how he found out, not even positive he did. But I got the feeling he might because of some things he said when I followed him to Laramie...he never admitted it out right but the way he was talking I thought maybe he knew...I couldn't think of a way to be sure without giving Lou up. I told him to stay away from Lou. And I came home."

"You did good son, considering."

"Teaspoon...you know gossip goes along this trail faster than the mail…" Kid began.

"And if some of these riders take it upon themselves to teach Lou a lesson…" Buck added.

Teaspoon nodded. "All right. Kid, Jimmy, Cody, go get her till we can sort this out."

* * *

It became clear to me the second I reached the first relay station of my run that something was very, very wrong. I'd known John White since the express started and he'd never been anything but cordial. Though I smiled and greeted him like always, he met my eyes with a glare and nearly threw the reins of the relay horse at me, resulting in me getting a sharp slap in the face with one of the leather straps.

Baffled, I got on the horse with a puzzled look back at his thin-lipped disapproval. I got less than 100 feet from the station when I realized my girth was too loose...whether on purpose or not, I wasn't sure, but it cost me time stopping to tighten it up, and could have cost me serious injury if I hadn't felt the subtle shifting of the saddle and corrected the issue before I had taken a tumble. I glanced back at the station, saw John White had been staring after me. He slowly turned and walked back into the stable when he saw me remount after I thoroughly checked my tack.

 _You're imaginin' thing_ s, I told myself. _This is about Danny._

But I'd been met with the same sort of stony anger at several of the way stations along the route to Fort Kearney. By the time I got to the final way station at sun down, I felt like I had landed in a foreign land where I had caused some great offense that everyone but me understood. As I handed off the mochila and requested my horse to ride out, several of the riders from the station stopped their business around the yard, unified in the cold hatred of the stares they pinned me with from all sides. They were muttering back and forth to each other as I stood in the station yard and waited for my mount, and my fingers itched to creep toward my gun, but I stayed still, scarcely daring to breathe under their tense scrutiny, my mind wheeling as I tried to comprehend what in the world the problem was.

I rode out sick with worry, and opted to ride for home under the cover of dark instead of waiting for morning. Maybe there would be answers in Sweetwater. I rode back West, towards a blazing pink and gold sunset. I hadn't gotten far when I heard hoofbeats behind me. When I glanced back, there were four horses and riders coming hard in my direction. I recognized the riders in the fading light. It was some of the riders from the Kearney station.

Every instinct I had said to flee, but I battened down my fear, cursing myself and Danny for the way I was feeling. In general, the riders across all stations were a community; we looked out for one another, pulled for one another, had respect borne of understanding what it took to do this job we all did day in and day out. If they were riding after me, something must be wrong. They might have news for me.

I pulled up the chestnut gelding, adjusted my hat lower, and waited with my heart in my throat.

They galloped up to where I sat. Casually, they surrounded me, probably thinking I wouldn't notice, but I had a long habit of marking an escape to most situations, probably a result of the one time when no escape had been available to me.

"What's goin' on?" I demanded, lowering my voice, which wanted to climb higher in pitch as I clenched fists on the reins and tried to figure out which way was out.

One of the riders, seeing this, reached out to grab my horse's bridle.

"Let go of my horse," I growled. Another rider was closing in on the other side.

I went for my gun, but Robert, the rider with my rein in hand, was ready for me and lunged forward, grabbing my gun and cracking the butt of it hard across my face. The blow knocked me off the horse altogether.

"Yeah we know about your trick with your gun. Ain't gonna work this time," Robert growled from above me.

My vision was blurry with either tears or blood that I could feel running from the blow to the side of my head, and the fall had knocked the wind out of me. I tried desperately to remember everything Cody had taught me about fighting just a few days before, certain that I was about to need it.

They were stepping off their horses, all of them. I knew I needed to get up. I could taste blood, feel it running from the corner of my mouth. I managed to roll onto my hands and knees when a booted foot caught me in the stomach, lifting me off the ground altogether and landing me back on my side. I curled around my stomach in agony, trying to find the breath to tell them to stop, to beg if I had to. Another kick landed, this one higher, in my ribs. Then another.

"Not so tough without your gun, are you? You think you can draw on one of us, you little runt? Who is the coward now?"

I curled on the ground, covering my head with one arm, my middle with another, sure they would kick me again. Two of them peeled me off the ground by my elbows, held me there as the third, this one named Jacob, came to stand before me.

"Please," I tried to say, but my lip was swelling, my breath was wheezing, and my ears were ringing. I was not sure if any word escaped my mouth or if I just thought the plea.

"This is what happens to little cowards who fight dirty," the man in front of me said. I saw him pull back a fist Cody would have praised and there was a flash of bright light as my head snapped back, and then total darkness descended.


	8. Chapter 7: Unraveled

Chapter 7: Unraveled

"Something up ahead," Cody called over his shoulder, as the last light of the day bled over the horizon and onto the trail before them.

Kid pushed Katy up beside Cody and squinted into the dying light. Across the trail, about ten miles on their side of Fort Kearney, a slight figure lay motionless in the dirt. "It's her!" Jimmy called, unnecessarily from behind Kid and Cody.

"Lou!" Cody and Kid yelled at the same time and urged their horses even faster toward the prone figure.

Cody and Kid reached Lou at the same time, Jimmy a step behind.

"Ah, God. Lou," Kid murmured brokenly, as they got a good look at her. She was lying curled tight on her side. The part of her face they could see was battered; she'd bled badly from her mouth, nose, and a cut on her temple.

Jimmy felt his throat tighten with terror as he hung back, his view of her mostly blocked by Kid and Cody on their knees at her side. "Is she...alive?"

Kid placed a hand on Lou's shoulder and gently rolled her onto her back. The sharp gasp of pain from Lou made Jimmy's knees feel weak with relief. Damning himself for a coward, he went around and crouched at her other side. He hadn't been able to make himself go to her until he knew she was alive.

"Lou? Lou, can you hear me?" Kid called to her, placing a gentle hand on the side of her face that seemed less beaten and leaning over her. "Lou, can you wake up?"

Her eyes flew open in terror and she struggled madly upon waking, trying to sit up, to lash out. To fight. She half-screamed in pain at the movement.

"It's us, Lou! It's us!" Jimmy murmured, and put a hand on her shoulder to still her. "You're safe."

It took a moment for the desperate need to fight to recede enough for her to recognize that it was them.

"How bad is it?" Cody asked her when the panic in her eyes had fled to be replaced by tears.

"I don't know," Lou gasped, struggling to sit up, but unable to. She groaned again and wrapped her arms around her middle. "Bad, I think."

Kid and Jimmy exchanged a look. If she was admitting it was bad, they both realized it was even worse than they thought.

"Lie still," Kid advised her, a gentle hand on her other shoulder.

"Is your head the worst of it?" Jimmy wondered, gesturing to the deep gash on her temple.

"My sides…and back..." Lou gasped shallowly.

Kid met Lou's eyes for permission, which she gave with a slight nod, and then lifted the end of her shirt up.

"Damn it," Cody whispered when even in the gathering darkness, they could make out the darker sea of bruises spreading across Lou's middle...in sharp contrast to the lighter untouched skin of her stomach, what little there was of it, and the stark white of the bandages wound around her chest.

"How are you here?" Lou asked suddenly, voice trembling as she saw their reaction to her injuries.

"Who did this to you, Lou?" Jimmy murmured, eyes fixed on her middle, fury making his voice tremble too.

"Let's make camp and tend to you first, Lou...try to make you comfortable." Kid sighed, tugging her shirt back down. "Everything else can wait."

* * *

My vision was blurry when I watched the three of them scurry about like squirrels as they made camp off the side of the trail in a small stand of trees.

Kid had lifted me from the dirt as gently as he could, but the pain through my middle was shattering and a cry of agony had escaped me before I could bite it back. He had held me closely and wordlessly as Jimmy and Cody rushed ahead, using their own bedrolls to make me a cushioned pallet.

Exhausted, sick, and dizzy, I had finally lay my head on Kid's shoulder as Jimmy and Cody worked as quickly as they could. Drawing a full breath of air was torturous. I knew now without a doubt that I was badly injured and I was scared of just how bad it might be. I could not remember ever being in more pain.

Everything about the strong arms around me was familiar and secure, as was Kid's smell and the rhythm of his breathing. Still awash in the shock of being chased down, beaten, and kicked by a group of men who were former colleagues turned against me without provocation, I very much needed at least the illusion of safety at the moment.

When the pallet for me was ready, Kid lowered me to it and though I felt as if shards of glass were moving under my skin where my ribs used to be, I tried hard not to cry out again, knowing it would just make them all feel worse. Although being immobile on the blankets was infinitely more comfortable than being held, I didn't want Kid to release his hold on me. My pride prevented me from saying so as he patted my hand and turned, calling he would be back soon with supplies to tend me.

Cody went about making a fire. Kid kneeled by Katy and began digging in his saddle bags frantically, tossing their contents on the ground in his frustration and cursing now and then.

Jimmy crouched by me and offered his canteen. I tried to raise it myself, but my hands were too unsteady, and so he wordlessly took and held it while I drank a few sips, more to appease him than because I was thirsty. The water made me cough and sputter and the coughing made me feel like needles were driving through all the skin of my abdomen and chest and despite myself, I moaned.

"God, Lou, they worked you over, didn't they?" Jimmy climbed to his feet when I was quiet again and turned to go take care of the horses.

"Jimmy…" I whispered, my voice sounding rusty as if it had been days rather than minutes since I had spoken. He looked at me, then at the ground, and I knew the sight of the bruises on my face troubled him greatly.

I wondered what my face looked like. It felt bad enough, but it was nothing compared to my sides and back where the force of at least two men's booted feet had lifted me off the ground. I wondered if they'd stopped beating and kicking me after I'd lost consciousness. I had no idea and that was disconcerting to me.

"Yeah Lou?" Jimmy's response broke through my thoughts.

"Could you maybe just sit with me right now? I kn...know there are things to do...but I just want someone to st-stay with m-me."

He glanced up at me and quickly back down, but not before I saw the concern in his eyes and without another word, he lowered himself beside my pallet and reached over to take one of my icy hands between both of his, rubbing it to give me his warmth.

"It's gonna be alright, Lou," he said quietly as we both stared at my hand in his keeping, not able to look at each other, "We're gonna take care of you and of this."

I swallowed down the tears that threatened and held his hand tighter.

In a moment, Cody had lit a sizeable fire that quickly started to warm me. My skin erupted in chills at the contrast of the warmth and I was surprised at how cold I had become in what could have only been the short time between being left on the trail and the boys rousing me.

Cody poured some water from his canteen into a pot and set it by the fire. Kid came back to where I was sitting with Jimmy. I saw his gaze pause when his eyes passed over my hand in Jimmy's, but to his credit he didn't comment on it. He patted my other hand as he crouched in front of me, tearing a long strip from one of his shirts.

"Kid, don't!" I murmured, distressed anew, knowing his wardrobe was no more disposable than mine.

"Shhh," he said soothingly. "We need to clean you up, Lou. I'm sorry I ain't got nothing better...we'll get some better supplies in town tomorrow."

"Here," Cody brought the pot with warm water to Kid's side. "That oughta feel better than cold water on those cuts."

I sat, still clutching Jimmy's hand, as Kid ever-so-gently began dabbing a piece of his torn shirt on my face. I saw it come away red and again wondered what my face must look like. Unlike Jimmy, who couldn't stand to look at the evidence of what had happened, I watched as Kid's eyes took in every detail of every mark on my face, his jaw clenched against his anger, very much in opposition to his easy touch.

It reminded me the way he'd looked at my face before he called out Cole Lambert.

Kid took great pains to be gentle, but it was still unpleasant as an endeavor and I saw the apology in his eyes whenever I winced, felt the return pressure from Jimmy's hand when I squeezed his tighter, the murmured assurances from Cody that it wasn't so bad and the worst was nearly over as Kid worked on the cut on my temple caused by my own gun. "Should be stitched," Kid said to noone in particular as he wrapped a strip of his blue shirt around my head to keep the wound clean.

The worst wasn't over. There were still my ribs to be tended. Wrapping them required all four of us; Cody and Jimmy to help me stand and Kid to wind the remainder of his torn shirt as tightly as he dared around my ribs. I was too miserable to worry for my modesty, preserved only by the binding directly over my breasts as Kid helped me out of my shirt.

It was torturous and I shrieked more than once, but Kid persisted with the ruthlessness required of a doctor or healer. I heard him hiss in sympathy and surprise when he stood behind me and saw my back for the first time. Distracted as I was, I still caught the long look that passed between him and Jimmy over my shoulder. I could see enough of my ribs to note the bloody pink, blue, and purple lesions looked almost as painful as they were. I imagined my back looked much the same.

Jimmy and Cody prevented me from falling as I swayed unsteadily several times. I could not have stood on my own. When Kid was done, all of us were pale with the unpleasantness of the task. Kid helped me into Cody's extra shirt and buttoned it for me before they eased me back down.

Bound, the pain lessened somewhat to just a shade beyond tolerable. Compared to the level of suffering I had been experiencing, this seemed survivable...though I felt plenty wretched. Kid brought another blanket from his bedroll to cover me. Even the slight weight of the blanket caused me discomfort.

"How is it?" Cody asked after they had seen me settled back on my throne of blankets and I had been able to breathe again without fear of nausea or losing consciousness.

"Better," I said, honestly, relieved to have some small respite from the worst of the pain. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean any of those things I called you."

"You didn't call us anything, Lou," Kid defended me.

"Well, not out loud...I was calling you plenty of things you probably didn't deserve in my head," I admitted and their light laughter was as good a medicine for my spirits as any.

However, there was a lot left unsaid, and in a moment the tense silence returned over us.

Jimmy, still at his post beside me, put a hand on my knee at last and asked what I knew they all wanted to know. "Can you tell us what happened, Lou? Did you see who did this to you?"

I gazed at the fire as Kid sat on my other side and Cody again settled by my legs. I spoke softly, slowly, trying to minimize the depth of breath I was forced to take, which was difficult when my heart started pounding again in fear at the memory.

"It's like...like people think I did something terrible but I don't know what it was. I noticed it my whole run. I thought I was just crazy...but then, tonight-it was the riders from Kearney riding after me. There were four of them...I thought they might have important news to be coming after me...I thought they might be trying to warn me about something they'd heard was happening...but then they surrounded me…and knocked me off my horse. Then they h-hit me. And kicked me. They knocked me out…I guess they left me and took the horse after that."

"Christ," Jimmy murmured in a voice that I could tell wanted to rise in anger. He kept it deliberately restrained for my sake. "Was it anyone you recognized?"

"Yeah." My voice was quivering. "Robert and Jacob...Drummond I think is his last name. I recognized the other two but don't know their names...they all knew me...and they wanted to hurt me…I just don't know why." My heart was pounding fast and I felt dizziness wash over me and a cold sweat on my brow. Dread settled in my stomach.

"We know why," Kid told me. "Buck came back from his run today with some news. Seems like there's a rumor going around that you pulled your gun on a rider from Johnson's Station, Lou, and other riders were riled up about it."

My brow furrowed in confusion, wondering how they could possibly know that as far away as Fort Kearney, then I closed my eyes and realized it didn't matter how they knew...just that they did.

 _Danny_. All of this, because of Danny. Trying to prove his power over me. Effectively, I thought.

"It ain't a rumor," I admitted, eyes still closed. There was no need to deny it now. "I did it."

Jimmy's voice drifted to me echoing my thoughts. "Danny."

It was not a question. He knew.

I nodded, squeezing my eyes more tightly closed to hide the tears stinging them. "He...wouldn't ready me a horse to ride out. So I went to do it myself. Danny followed me in the barn at the station. Blocked my way out. We had words...I let him rile me up, get under my skin. He punched me and truth be told I provoked it. But something happened when he hit me...I got...I don't know...scared. Real scared. More scared than I should have, to be honest. And I stood up with my gun on him and told him to leave me alone. It's how I got the bruise on my face."

"Lou-did he find out about you?" Kid asked.

Again, I nodded. "Yeah...he figured it out. Not many men would react that way...and when he hit me I lost my hat and glasses..."

I couldn't meet Jimmy's eyes. Wouldn't. I knew he was wondering if Danny was the one who'd put the bruises on me I had told him came from a stranger. I had lied and told him Danny had not even been at the station.

I could feel Jimmy's gaze hot on my face, but I just couldn't face those questions from him. Not yet. I didn't know whether I'd tell him the truth or lie, and I couldn't think clearly enough to decide which was the better option.

I was infinitely thankful he didn't ask in front of the others.

"Guess he told his friends at the station that you drew on him...and they told damn near everyone else...but at least he didn't say nothing about you being a girl to no one," Cody said, trying to make me feel better.

Kid added, "Teaspoon sent us after you when Buck brought news about what he had heard...he was afraid you might run into trouble out this way too."

"I'm glad he did...I'm awful lucky you boys came along." I heard the tremor in my voice at the thought of what could have happened to me if they had not.

"Wouldn't say you were lucky at all, Lou," Cody murmured.

"Wished we had been about an hour sooner," Kid sighed.

I nodded slightly. So did I. I finally opened my eyes but still avoided Jimmy's stare. He had said nothing since my admission that Danny knew I was a woman.

Instead, I met Cody's gaze, hesitantly. He sighed. "No wonder you wanted me and Ike to teach you to throw a punch."

"I forgot everything you taught me back there...I was too scared to remember...and it happened so fast and they held my arms...I'm sorry," I said to him and out of all the things that had transpired, it was that thought that finally broke me. That I'd let him down in some way. The tears I'd been struggling to hold back poured silently down my face as I met his gaze, saw answering tears rise in his eyes, saw his distress at my words.

"I'm sorry," I said again, and then again. And then I was crying because of the mess I'd gotten into, which caused me such pain in my ribs that I sobbed harder, still apologizing profusely, but I didn't even know why or to whom after a point.

"Sweetheart, it's not your fault. None of this is your fault," it was Kid's voice and arms that surrounded me gently, careful not to cause me further pain.

I cried into his chest until I was spent with Jimmy and Cody sitting at my side, bearing silent witness to me going to pieces. Once done, I felt dazed and my thoughts were fuzzy, disconnected, and removed, and I realized the blow to my head might have been harder than I realized.

* * *

I couldn't eat and I couldn't lie down, but eventually with all three of them helping to shift their bedrolls and blankets around, I found a bearable position leaning back just slightly against the tree behind me, and I dozed while the fire crackled and the boys ate dinner and stood watch.

At one point the pain woke me and I cried out, startled, not remembering where I was. Cody came to sit beside me, taking my hand wordlessly and brushing my hair back from my face with a whisper of fingertips, careful not to hurt me.

I looked around but saw only Cody. My eyes rose to his in question.

"Don't worry about it, Lou. They'll be back by morning. Try to sleep. I'm keeping watch. You are safe."

Worry washed through me, as I figured wherever Jimmy and Kid had gone to in the middle of the night, it wasn't a wholesome errand. But my limits were far exceeded and battered as my body was, under Cody's gentle touch on my hair, I dozed fitfully again.

* * *

A/N: Still a big old heartfelt thanks from me for your reviews! It feels like the old days and that makes me so happy, even though poor Lou is going through the ringer here.


	9. Chapter 8: Unleashed

Chapter 8: Unleashed

"Kid! _Kid_!"

Jimmy cursed and stepped over the writhing body of Robert Warren, suppressing the urge to kick him again in lieu of keeping Kid from actually killing Jacob Drummond.

Jimmy dragged Kid off of Jacob by his collar, noting Kid had broken the man's nose and relieved him of several teeth.

"Enough!" Jimmy yelled in Kid's face, shaking him hard.

Eventually the mindless rage lifted from Kid's expression to be replaced by cold satisfaction as he looked around the Kearney Station bunkhouse and seemed to return to his senses.

It had not taken long for the four riders who had beaten Lou and left her on the trail to come forward, or rather those that had not been involved to quickly find somewhere else to be, when Jimmy and Kid had barged into the bunkhouse. What Jimmy and Kid lacked in number they made up for in sheer fury and righteousness as they set out to avenge Lou. Now the bunkhouse was in shambles and all four men responsible for Lou's pain were bleeding on the floorboards.

Jimmy pushed his hair out of his face and addressed them. "I know what you heard about Lou but now you'll listen to the truth. Danny attacked Lou because I knocked Danny down in a fight first. Rather than answer to me, he went after Lou because Lou was smaller and a friend of mine. I gave him the chance to answer to me again three days ago and he was too scared to face off with me. You doubt me, ask the barkeep in the Lazy Horse in Laramie. Who is the coward now?"

Kid looked at Jimmy in surprise, and Jimmy sighed and wiped at a trail of blood trickling down his eyebrow. He guessed he would have some explaining to do later.

For now, Kid kicked Jacob once more. "You pass that on and if anybody tries to hurt Lou again, we will be back, but not before everyone knows that four of you beat the hell out of the smallest rider we got and that you left him to die on the trail. How do you think that will go over with the other riders or the company?"

Jimmy let Kid's words sink in and then announced, "we're taking the horse you owe Lou and a wagon. You think about following us and we will shoot you dead. We'll send the wagon back when we get around to it. I think it goes without saying to stay away from Lou from now on."

With that Kid and Jimmy left the house, the product of their united outrage on Lou's behalf moaning on the ground in their wake.

* * *

When I woke next it was near dawn. The fire was still flickering, though low, but there was just barely enough light to see beyond its circle. I was relieved to see Katy and Sundance were back and dozing on their leads.

I noted with confusion a wagon parked near the horses' tether line and the extra horse there as well. I glanced over to see Cody and Jimmy asleep on their saddle blankets, huddled under their jackets, and felt a pang of guilt realizing their bedrolls and blankets had been put to use making me as comfortable as possible while they went without warmth or comfort.

"Hey," Kid said quietly from my other side and I saw that he had placed himself close by me.

"Hey," I responded.

"How you feeling?"

I felt I was burning in the hottest fires of Hell. Instead I said, "better."

He shook his head and gave me the half-smile that could still make my heart stutter, after everything. "You are just the _worst_ liar, Lou."

Despite myself, I smiled, then winced as a cut on my lip stretched and split open.

"Kid, what happened to your face?" I asked. As the sky lightened, I could see that his own lip carried a cut and that one of his eyes was a bit swollen.

"Nothing Lou."

"You are just the worst liar, Kid," I gave him his words back with a weak smile.

He shrugged and grinned but did not deny it. Nor did he volunteer what had happened to his face.

"The wagon?" I questioned.

"A donation," Kid supplied, tight-lipped.

I glanced at the sleeping Jimmy, saw his face was covered in cuts and scrapes.

"What the hell did you two _do_ last night?" I asked.

"Set the record straight," Kid answered and would say no more on the matter. "We have an hour before morning...why don't you try to sleep a bit more?"

I did.

* * *

"Lou, don't you think we ought to go to Fort Kearney and find you a doctor?" Cody tried in his most reasonable voice.

"He has a point...you know how much that wagon is going to bump you around on the trail to Sweetwater?" Kid asked.

"I just want to go home," I insisted stubbornly.

"You need a doctor, Lou. Wouldn't it make more sense to see one here where no one knows you than back in Sweetwater?" Now Jimmy was against me.

"I don't need a doctor for some sore ribs!" I snapped, but undermined my own haughtiness when I flinched in pain.

" _Sore_? You damn fool, at least some, if not most, of your ribs are broken or my name ain't Billy Cody."

"Please," I finally whispered, near tears. "I just want to go home. I don't want a doctor."

I bowed my head and waited through the silence that followed as they exchanged what I was certain were incredulous looks over my head at my unreasonable insistence.

"All right," Jimmy finally relented as if realizing dragging me unwilling to a doctor wasn't practical. "Let's get the blankets in the wagon."

Kid shook his head. "Blankets ain't gonna be enough. I'll ride into town and get some medicine for Lou to help with the pain...maybe some more bandages...don't wait on me, I will catch up."

"Watch yourself," Jimmy warned Kid as he swung onto Katy. I wondered again exactly what sort of trouble they had hunted up the night before.

It became apparent very quickly that riding in the wagon, even with three bedrolls for padding, was going to be an agonizing affair. It would have been a jolting ride anyway, but every small lurch of the wagon took my breath away, and most of the movements could not be described as small. The trail was not meant for wagons.

My teeth ached from clenching them so hard. Cody, who was driving, called apologies over his shoulder at every rut in the road, which after the first half hour was wearing my nerves thin. Kid had still not caught us and I was a bit concerned for him to be riding alone into a town near a way station that I was fairly certain he and Jimmy had visited the night before with the express purpose of retribution, though neither of them was talking. I also was desperate in my hopes he would find some drug to lessen my pain. I felt near the limits of my ability to tolerate it with dignity much longer.

After a particularly bumpy stretch of the trail I gasped for breath and must have cried out because Jimmy rode to the side of the wagon and looked down at me for only half a second before bellowing at Cody to stop.

Startled, Cody yanked on the reins so hard the wagon lurched in its halt and I said a very impolite string of words as I lurched also.

"You look like Hell," Cody observed, turning around on the wagon seat to observe my face.

"The few bits of your face that ain't bruised are the color of porridge left sitting out too long," Jimmy contributed helpfully.

"You boys know how to make a girl feel real fine," I muttered but lay back against the roll of blankets, sighing in relief at the lack of jarring. There was a cold sweat on my brow and breathing seemed more of an effort than it ought to have been.

"Look Lou, we gave it a shot, but this ain't gonna work. It's gonna be a day and a half of this, at least, if we go by wagon. You can't stand it," Jimmy said and when I would have protested, added, "I can't stand to see you in pain for that long neither."

"Don't you tell me what I can or can't stand, Jimmy Hickok," I snapped, angry though I had just contemplated my limits not a minute before. "Kid will eventually be here with some medicine to ease the pain. I will be fine."

"Let's stop a bit and wait for him then," Cody suggested.

"No, let's keep going...I just want to be home," I insisted.

"You're about the most bullheaded fool I ever met," Cody pointed out.

They both argued but I held firm. At last Jimmy and Cody exchanged a helpless look that I knew meant they were giving in to me. I nodded to myself in satisfaction, but then scowled when Jimmy hopped from his horse into the back of the wagon, tying his reins to the back of it.

"What are you doing?"

"I got an idea. What if you lean back on me instead of those blankets? I might be able to keep you from rattling around so much."

My first instinct was to reject his plan which would require more intimacy than I was typically easy with...but then I considered just how much pain I had been in with the wagon moving.

"Really?" I swallowed hard. "You're gonna just let me lean on you?"

Cody rolled his eyes, "Don't make him sound so noble Lou. What man you know who wouldn't want a pretty girl sitting in his lap? He oughta be thanking _you_ for the pleasure."

I blushed and met Jimmy's gaze. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Despite myself, I burst out laughing and paid dearly for it with the white hot pains that shot through my chest and side.

Jimmy used Cody's saddle and the side of the wagon to make himself a place to settle down and then put the blankets around and in front of his seat. Finally, with infinite care, he helped me move to sit directly in front of him. His legs stretched on either side of me.

"Lean back," he encouraged me. "Slow."

I hissed in pain at the movement but eased back and rested, my back against Jimmy's chest, my head falling back on his shoulder. His arms carefully surrounded me, bringing me back further, putting the balance of my weight on him.

"I'll smother you," I worried.

He laughed and I felt the rumble of it under my shoulder blades and the resonant vibrations of his deep voice through his chest as he said, "Met fleas that weighed more, Lou. I am just fine. You all right?"

I nodded.

"All right Cody, let's try this," Jimmy called over his shoulder.

Cody called out to his horse and the borrowed one pulling the wagon, and after the initial breath-stealing jerk of the wagon moving off, Jimmy adjusted himself around me so that the movement I was forced to endure was minimal.

I actually sighed in relief and could feel the answering smile in Jimmy's voice, close to my ear. "Better?"

"A lot," I admitted, then after a moment added quietly, "thank you Jimmy...for everything you done...are doing for me."

"I already told ya, ain't much I wouldn't do for you." He was quiet for a minute but I could sense him searching for words, so I kept quiet too. Finally, he spoke in a low voice so that Cody couldn't hear us above his off-key singing, "Lou, I gotta tell you something...Teaspoon asked me to go Johnson's Station to find out what happened to you."

I stiffened, started to pull away from him, but he tightened his grip and admonished me. "Be 'll hurt yourself."

"Did you tell him what I told you?" I said, and it sounded like an accusation. I realized that is how it felt to me.

"No. I promised I wouldn't. But I did go, Lou. And heard from Joe about what happened...Lou, Joe said you and Danny had words in the stable over me...is that true Lou? Am I the reason Danny hit you?"

I heard the guilt and self-loathing in his voice. Jimmy was so convinced he brought everyone he cared about trouble and pain, if not outright death. I resolved to carry the fact I had words with Danny over him to my grave before hurting him that way.

"Jimmy, no. I I know Danny don't like you but the fact is, Danny has had it in for me since early days. He don't like my size and he don't like the fact I ride better than him. He has been trying to give me a horse I can't ride for near on a year. We had words 'cause he didn't do his job and get my horse when I wanted to ride out. I let him get under my skin and my mouth got away from me. That's it. It had nothing to do with you."

Jimmy's sigh of relief was deep enough to jostle me a bit and I thought Kid was wrong. I could lie very well when it mattered enough, especially if my face couldn't give me away.

Jimmy wasn't done yet. "Lou, why did you tell me you didn't see Danny on your run?"

I blushed. "I guess I knew what you would think...I mean about it being your fault. And I had promised you I would stay away from him…"

This time, Jimmy wasn't buying my lie. I knew he was trying to decide whether to call me out on it or let it go.

"You said Danny found out you were a woman…" I tensed because I knew where he was going with this bit of questioning, and I know he felt it, but he persisted. "Lou, he is the one who cornered you, tried to force himself on you, ain't he."

It wasn't a question so much as a statement and I swallowed hard, trying to think of what to tell him.

"Ain't he?" Jimmy demanded.

I nodded, wordlessly. Defeated. I was glad he couldn't see my face, burning with shame.

"Lou, I know it's personal, but I need to know...did you tell me the truth about stopping him? Did it go further than you let on?"

"No...it didn't Jimmy…he didn't really hurt me."

"Did this happen at the station? Is that why you drew on him?"

I shook my head. "He found out when I drew on him, but I left. He followed me to town. Waited for me in the stables and grabbed me as I was getting ready to ride out the next morning. I...I lied about fighting him off. I tried, but I couldn't get away...I wouldn't have been able to stop him. But he knew he didn't have the time or privacy to finish what he started. That is the only reason he let me go before he…"

I trailed off into silence. Jimmy was quiet again and I sensed he was struggling with anger but wasn't sure if it was towards me for lying or Danny.

"He told me if I told anyone what he had done to me...what he plans to do to me when he has more time, he'll turn me into the company as a girl. That's why I didn't tell you the truth. I didn't know what to do. Still don't."

Jimmy's arms tightened around me a bit as he held me. He knew as well as anyone what this job was for me. It was the same for him.

"That ain't all. Jimmy, if he turns me in, I am afraid Teaspoon will get fired for keeping me on."

"Lou…" Jimmy began, but I interrupted.

"I think it's over for me Jimmy…unless I let him do as he pleases and I don't think I can."

Saying it out loud made it real and tears fell down my cheeks as I turned my head into his neck and cried.

He held me tight so that I wouldn't hurt myself in my grief over what I was about to lose.

"I don't know what to do," I murmured brokenly, my voice shaking.

"We're gonna figure this out Lou. Ain't no one as low as him gonna cost you this much. I swear it."


	10. Chapter 9: Unwell

Chapter 9: Unwell

Jimmy found himself worried on every level for the slight, silent girl leaning against him. She seemed too small for the enormous weight he sensed settled on her shoulders.

He worried about where her head was with thoughts about the parasite of a man intent on using her secret against her, the beating she had just endured by men she had known for over a year, and the lingering effects of her certainty that her family had not thought her valuable enough to accompany them to save Amanda.

He worried about whether or not she harbored secrets she wasn't telling about what had happened with Danny. He sensed some significant shift in her since she had ridden back in bearing his marks. It had seemed to unleash some powerful and dark emotion in her that had not left her eyes since he had awakened her from her nightmare.

Chiefly he was worried for her physical well-being. With her held secure in his arms, he could feel the way her breath seemed to rattle in her chest, the way she seemed to struggle to draw a deep breath of air, the pain it caused her to do so. He had brushed her hair away from the cut on her forehead a moment ago and found it overly warm to the touch. Her color seemed to be worsening.

Even though she tried not to let on, he knew her to be in agony. He thought he was doing some good holding her still but he realized that even lying on a bed, she would be in a good bit of pain. This was still quite a bit different than lying in a bed.

When he saw Katy come into view an hour into holding her, he sighed with relief and hoped to God Kid had gotten some strong enough medicine for Lou.

"You find it?" Jimmy called out when Kid was in hearing distance and Lou cried out in relief at Kid's affirmative nod.

"Lou, you look miserable." Kid said with sympathy as he rode to the side of the wagon with no comment on finding her in Jimmy's arms when it was obvious Jimmy was sparing her pain. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a carefully wrapped package, handing it to Jimmy. "Laudanum. You can have up to 20 drops every four hours, depending on the pain level…"

"Give me 20," Lou said breathlessly.

"I also brought these," Kid murmured as Jimmy started opening the medicine. He turned in his saddle and untied several pillows resting where his bedroll would usually be, tossing them toward Jimmy. "Maybe we can get you more comfortable."

* * *

 **"** ** _No matter what you hear, baby, you can't come out. You have to keep your brother and sister quiet. Be brave, my angel. Quiet now."_**

 _I bit my trembling lip against the cry that wanted to escape, begging her not to go, as she closed the door to the small storage closet under the stairs, leaving me in total darkness but for a single stripe of light that cut through a crack in the door. I caught a glimpse of her beautiful face through it as she shifted a chair in front of the door, and wondered if it would be the last sight I would have of her. I realized she was trying to hide us, hoping our father would not notice the small space._

 _I slid down the back wall carefully, Teresa clutched tight in my arms and Jeremiah clinging to my waist. I braced my back against the wall and then pushed my feet against the door with all my might, a last line of defense._

 _Teresa whimpered and I bounced her and patted her frantically, praying she wouldn't start howling and give us away, with my heart thundering so loud in my ears I almost could not hear the shattering of the front door as my father broke it down and came in bellowing._

 _At my side, Jeremiah burrowed closer and I freed an arm to hug him closer. At two, he already knew how to swallow his fear and be silent. The baby though had no such ability and she was whining ominously. Unsure of what else to do, I stuck my finger in her mouth, tears rolling down my cheeks. I closed my eyes in gratitude when she latched onto it and quieted._

 _It sounded like a battle waged around us. Glass exploded, wood splintered, and my father roared. My mother screamed in fear. I heard her light footsteps on the stairs above us as she ran from him, and dust was loosened from the floorboards and rained over our heads as he pursued her with a heavy lurching step that I knew meant he was drunk._

 _The screams from my mother from upstairs were terrible to behold and despite myself, a sob escaped my lips. I choked on the ones that threatened to follow, pushing my legs harder against the small door separating us from the monster, my sister still latched onto my thumb. If he killed my mother this time, I supposed we would be next if I couldn't stop him._

 _But I was only eleven years-old, small for my age, and I didn't know how to stop him._

 _I heard the weight of her hit the bed as he threw her on it, heard the groaning springs as he followed. Jeremiah put both hands over his ears and rocked back and forth against my side. I wanted to block the sound too but my hands were full, so I listened with silent tears as he did the thing to my mother that left her quiet and withdrawn for days and sometimes weeks._

 _The last time he had done it, she had been round with another baby in her belly, but soon after she had bled and bled and simply told us later the baby had gone to live in Heaven. We'd left our father for the second time after that. But now he'd found us again._

 _He always found us._

 _Oh how I envied that unknown brother or sister, safe from the monster we hid from now, forever in the arms of angels who I imagined looked just like Mama in her happier days._

* * *

"How is she?" Kid asked Jimmy quietly, pulling Katy up by the wagon and looking down at Lou.

"She's out," Jimmy answered, and hesitated. She'd called out several times in her sleep, and once she'd cried quietly, soft, keening noises that didn't sound like her but like a child and mumbled a string of nonsense that he couldn't understand but for the word _Mama_. It tore at him to see her so vulnerable, so pained, and he knew she would hate it if she thought he'd witnessed any of it. He didn't want to tell Kid about the nightmares for that reason.

"Sounds like she's been having dreams," Cody supplied from the wagon seat. "Bad ones."

Kid nodded. "I think the laudanum can cause that."

Jimmy sighed. "I think she's fevered too. Her breathing don't sound good. I think she's getting worse, not better. She needs a doctor. Hey, Cody-let's pick up the pace a little while she's out."

Kid eyed Jimmy. "You alright back there? Do you need to be spelled?"

"I got her," Jimmy said simply, and repeated, "Cody, let's move out a bit."

* * *

 _Mama was bleeding from her nose and mouth when she breathlessly pulled open the door where we crouched, and she urged us to come out fast._

" _There's not much time," she warned us. There never was._

 _She took the baby from me and I took Jeremiah's icy hand in mine and I tugged him along as I followed her out of our hiding place and into the house._

 _She always kept a bag packed and I saw it in her hand. In it I knew would be a few changes of clothes for us all, some hard tack and canned beans, a canteen of water, my favorite doll, Jeremiah's small wood truck, and whatever meager amount of money she had been able to scrape together since the last time we ran._

 _I saw my books on the small table in the kitchen, left there though Mama told me to put them away before dinner. I thought about the little school I had been attending and a boy named Bobby who was nice to me, who didn't make fun of my too-short frocks but sat quietly beside me and shared his lunch with me sometimes. I didn't think I'd see him again and that made me sad._

 _As we rushed through the house we'd been loaned by the preacher who took pity on my mama, I still squinted after the dimness of the closet. My eyes searched for the monster, and though there was evidence that he was here in the glass that crunched under my feet and the holes in the wall, I could not see nor hear him at this moment._

" _Hurry, Louise!" My Mama scolded. I knew what to do. I swung Jeremiah on my hip and followed her into the cold night. In the stables, my shaky fingers flew as I buckled the harness on the old horse and pulled him around to the buckboard while Mama settled Jeremiah in the back and Teresa in the basket full of blankets she traveled in._

 _I started to climb in the wagon, but then spotted my father's fine horse, tied in the shed. My father liked fast horses, and our horse was anything but fast. Although Mama was yelling at me to get in the wagon, I suddenly bolted toward the horse, and slid the bridle off over his ears. I waved my hands at him and shrieked, and I guess I looked wild enough to where the animal thought I was enough of a threat to actually run away. He bolted._

 _I darted back to the small wagon, jumped in the back and wrapped me and Jeremiah in a blanket, putting a steadying hand on the basket where Teresa wailed, and nodded to my Mama._

 _As we wheeled out of the shed, the broken front door crashed open and the elongated rectangle of yellow light that spilled onto the dirt before it was interrupted by the tall form of my father. I could see he was bleeding from a wound in his head and unsteady on his feet. His shirt was still unbuttoned and he bellowed at us to stop, calling my mother any number of awful names she didn't deserve._

 _Jeremiah's screams joined Teresa's cries as our father ran down the stairs and started after the wagon on foot. At one point, he got close enough that he seemed like he could have reached out and snatched us off the wagon, away from our Mama. It was my living nightmare to be taken from her by him._

" _Mama! He's coming! He'll get us!" I screamed and she screamed and slapped the old horse hard on the back with the reins and the buckboard jolted forward faster. I reached in the bag, pulled out a precious can of beans and hurled it at my father. It hit him hard in the chest and he faltered and the distance opened again between the monster and my family._

 _My father must have run for nearly a mile behind us before he dropped to his knees in the dust, still hurling curses at my mother._

 _We passed his fleeing horse in another few miles, and the night swallowed us, the only sound the steady beat of the horse we were scared to let slow down for even a moment and my sister's thin cries in the night. The wagon lurched roughly under us as we fled._

 _Finally, as both my brother and sister dozed, and my mother sobbed softly on the seat above, I kept a silent watch through the darkness, waiting to see if the monster would come back that night._

 _And then, I heard it, the sound of hoof falls coming closer and closer through the darkness._

 _I screamed and screamed._

* * *

"Lou, stop it. Lou, you're fine." Jimmy brought both arms around her hard as she lurched and howled, and tried hard to keep her from hurting herself.

" _He's coming!_ " Lou screamed wildly, though where she found the breath he didn't know. "Mama, I hear him! _Faster!_ "

"Lou, wake up. Listen to me, you're having a nightmare!" Jimmy urged in her ear.

Cody stopped the wagon and turned around, watching with sympathy as Jimmy tried to keep a struggling Lou from hurting herself.

Kid climbed into the wagon and helped Jimmy lay her down along the pillows he had brought, assisting in holding her still.

"He's coming. Monster!" Lou whispered brokenly, eyes open and staring right into Jimmy's.

"Lou, it ain't him. It's Noah and Buck you hear, riding hard towards us. Guess they is worried about you too." Jimmy told her, hands firm on her arms.

Lou's vacant eyes shifted and searched the darkening sky above them.

"Jeremiah and Teresa?" She whispered. "Did he get them?"

"No, sweetheart. Jeremiah and Teresa are safe," Kid assured her, understanding at once that Boggs was the monster she was going on about. Not for the first time, he was glad he'd killed the man. "You saved them. The monster is dead."

"I heard him coming. Thought he was going to kill us like he killed the baby. Mama's little baby," her voice broke and she sobbed at this, eyes still looking past them both. "She never got better. It killed her."

"Lou, honey, it's all over. It's done. Your brother and sister are safe, you're safe. We got you." Jimmy grabbed her hand, horrified at the glimpse she was unknowingly giving them into her past. He remembered his own father, felt a kinship with Lou like he never had before.

"You can't let him get them. I promised. It's my job...if I die, you can't let him have them." Lou carried on, clutching Jimmy's hand.

"You ain't gonna die and he ain't gonna get them. He is dead," Jimmy assured her, looking at Kid helplessly.

"She's burning up," Kid murmured. "Out of her head."

Jimmy nodded, still sickened by what she was living through in her fever and laudanum induced dreams.

Noah and Buck pulled their winded horses up at the wagon.

"We was all worried. Expected you back hours ago," Noah said breathlessly. And then moved to look into the wagon and stilled, at a loss for words.

Buck leapt into the wagon and kneeled down by Lou.

Kid moved over so that he could see her, then briefly filled him in on what had happened to Lou, although it was pretty evident by looking at her. "I think she's got several broken ribs. Her breathing has gotten worse. She's fevered now, talking out of her head. Laudanum has given her nightmares, or visions, or whatever you might call it. You know anything to do that might help her?"

"Maybe Willow Bark tea for the fever...the breathing though...that's beyond me. I think maybe one of her ribs has punctured her lung. She ain't breathing right. She needs a doctor. Soon."

* * *

I trudged through worlds of fire and ice, waist deep in water and struggling with every step not to be pulled under. There were angels and demons along the way at intervals; I saw Mama in a beautiful white dress with a baby on her hip. I saw a monster's face through a crack in a door of a dusty closet beneath a staircase where I held my breath, afraid to make a sound until my lungs were near bursting.

There was agony of body alternated with agony of soul and I was tossed about in a great tempest until I felt the layers of me had been broken apart and washed away, wave after wave after wave.

I wasn't alone in the sea of pain. Always just beyond the swell of the next oncoming assault, I sensed a presence with me, a lighthouse waiting to show me safe harbor if I could just navigate toward shore.

And there was then a light I sensed gradually and as I opened my eyes to it, the brilliance of it blinded me.

* * *

A/N: Whew. That one took a toll.


	11. Chapter 10: Untold

Chapter 10: Untold

There was pain and there was confusion as I opened my eyes and looked toward the window. The curtains were drawn and beyond them the window was outlined in darkness. There was a single lamp burning on the table in front of the window.

I thought I was somehow in my first home, the house I was born in. I had my own room then, with lace curtains such as these. And a whole shelf of beautiful dolls.

There had been happy times. I remembered flashes of them. My father taking me before him on his big black horse and his laughing in delight as I squealed joyfully and my mother fretted at him to slow down while I cried _faster Papa!_ I remembered both of them sitting by my bed and tending to me with grave concern when I had fallen ill with a fever. Sick as I had been, I had felt special and treasured. I knew my father was a busy man and if he was taking time to sit with me and stroke my hair, he must care about me.

In the early days, the monster came out very rarely. But as time went on, as the law closed in, Boggs and my mama fought more and more and it got worse and worse. We moved away from the house with lace curtains and into a camp of outlaws. Those rough men leered and laughed at me, sometimes touching my face or clothes with dirty fingers. When I skittered behind my father for protection, he snapped at me to stop being a sniveling coward and walk tall. If there was one thing he couldn't abide it was weakness.

Instead of being a treasure, I was a burden and a weak spot. By the time Jeremiah was born, he would have just as soon knocked me out of his way than step around me. He had a son. And I was just something else that he had to worry about hiding from the law, and his men.

I would watch him sometimes from the shadows and wonder what I had done to chase the man who had once shown me more kindness than cruelty away. The more I tried to please him, the more he hated me. I think it must have been the same for my mama.

Now in the darkened room, I saw a tall figure folded into the chair in the corner, head tilted back as he snored softly.

"Papa?" I called, jarred into the present when my voice did not sound like a child's.

The man in the corner lurched to his feet anxiously and I realized where I was and when. I was in Rachel's extra bedroom and it was Jimmy who rushed to the bedside now.

* * *

"Good to see your eyeballs," Jimmy told Lou, ignoring the blush that burned her otherwise bloodless face. He pretended he hadn't heard her call for her father and eased himself down on the bed beside her legs gently, careful not to move the mattress.

"How did I get here?" Lou asked, struggling to sit up.

"Whoa there," Jimmy admonished her. "You be still. You ain't in no condition to be flapping around."

She glanced at him in annoyance. "You gotta help me sit up at least. I ain't gonna lay here staring at the ceiling like a...a bear rug."

Jimmy chuckled. "God, I am so happy to see you feeling strong enough to be ornery."

He stood and instructed Lou to hold to one of his arms while he pulled her up and slid a few pillows behind her. Her fingers dug into his forearm tightly as he gently lowered her back against them.

She nodded her thanks while she struggled to catch her breath again. He lowered himself back to the bed and put a hand on her leg in sympathy, waiting out the pain with her.

"What do you remember?" Jimmy finally asked when faint color had come back onto her face.

The tip of her tongue wet her cracked lips as she considered it. "I ain't sure...there's a lot of stuff jumbled up in my head. I remember the wagon...you trying to keep me still and Kid riding in with the medicine. Then it's confusing for me. Jimmy...I know this sounds crazy...but I been dreaming nonstop about Boggs...he's really dead ain't he? I didn't dream that part did I?"

Jimmy swallowed hard around the memory of her terror and the pitch of her fever screams as she dreamed of her father. "He's really dead. He caint hurt you again, Lou."

She was quiet at that and finally raised her eyes to Jimmy's.

"Did I...did I talk about him Jimmy? When I was out...is that why you're looking at me like that?"

"Like what, Lou?" he said it to buy himself time, not sure whether to be truthful with her or not.

"Like you're sorry for me. Like you pity me."

"Being sorry for you and pitying you is two different things, you know." He finally growled softly. "And why _ain't_ I allowed to be sorry you grew up like that, damn it?"

Lou looked down at her hands, folded in her lap. "Guess I did talk about him."

Jimmy nodded, and reached over to put his hand over hers. "You was outta your head with a fever and the laudanum don't help with the dreaming...you'd go on from time to time in the wagon. It ain't nothing to be ashamed of, Lou. You couldn't help it."

"What did I say?"

"Lou, it don't matter…"

" _You listen here,_ Jimmy Hickok, _you tell me!_ " she demanded in a forceful tone that set her to coughing, a crackling, ominous sound.

Jimmy helped her sit up and held her tight against his chest while the jarring cough wracked her suddenly too thin frame and busted ribs. "Proud of yourself?" he said dryly when the fit had subsided and he let her back against the pillows and watched while she wheezed.

She did not have the grace to look sheepish. "Jimmy. Tell me." She finally added grudgingly, "Please."

Jimmy swung his head uneasily, feeling like his collar was too tight, and then sighed and relented. "You said plenty Lou...about him being a monster...afraid he was after you, gonna get you, find you or your brother or sister...worried he was gonna kill your mama...and there was something about a baby." He paused when he saw tears pool against her lower lashes. "Aww, Lou, don't cry…"

"Who heard?" She demanded, dashing furiously at her tears with the back of her hand before they could spill down her bruised cheeks.

"Cody and Kid heard bits and pieces in the wagon. Buck, maybe a little when he rode out to meet us. Rachel may have when we first brought you here before the doc got you quiet and comfortable. But it was mostly me, Lou."

She squirmed, unable to meet his eyes.

"I swear, Lou, your secrets are safe with me. And not that different from my own, all right?"

She raised her eyes to his, surprised, and pain met pain. She nodded, fighting her emotions.

She hesitated, setting her teeth against her raw lip and then asked in a rush, "did I say anything else? About anyone else?"

She had. Jimmy had sat with her through several long nights in the main house, unable to sleep or shake the idea that somehow this was all his fault. He'd refused to leave his watch over her for longer than it took Rachel to change her nightgown or sponge her to bring the fever down.

Those first nights, when the fever was still high, she'd cried out about a man named Mr. Wicks with fear equal to or greater than that in her voice for her father.

Seeing her agony at the realization that he now knew about her father, he decided he would spare her what she'd think of as the humiliation of him knowing more. He'd been so damned determined to demand to know who this Wicks was when she woke, but now...

"You only talked about your family." He lied and swallowed his questions and his concerns about the other man in her nightmares reluctantly.

"Jimmy, what happened to me? What day is it? How long have I been here?"

Jimmy considered for a minute. He had lost track of the days himself; the days and nights had stopped being measured in minutes for a while and instead had been measured in Lou's labored breaths for all of them. "You been home for four days now. Out cold most of them. Doctor had you on morphine on account of your ribs...and the procedure he had to do…"

"What procedure?"

Jimmy sighed. He didn't want to think of those last hours in the back of the wagon, when she'd struggled to draw each breath, her chest rattling, her lips turning blue, and the rest of her skin going corpse gray under his impotent hands. She'd looked like death was claiming her from the inside out, and he had been terrified that they wouldn't make it to Sweetwater and a doctor in time to save her. Kid's face had been a reflection of his horror in those hours. They had almost watched her suffocate on the trail between towns.

"One of your ribs splintered, Lou, and at some point, it went into your lung and punctured it. Might have happened when they kicked you, might have happened later, in the wagon. Gave you trouble breathing and it got bad real fast when we was out on the wagon. You ended up with a lot of fluid in your lungs on both sides, and the air couldn't get in. It was like you was drowning."

Lou shuddered. Jimmy continued, "The doctor, he had to put a long needle in your chest to draw the fluid out of your lungs I guess. Did it the minute he saw you, right down in the parlor. It helped your breathing some right away thank God cause you was nearly blue, but by then, you had the lung fever...pneumonia, he called it. You been burning up with fever, on and off, for days now. The doctor said you was strong, and likely to recover in no time, but Lou you had us scared plenty."

He didn't comment on the fact that he'd been in the room and watched when the doctor put the needle in her, had felt the room spin several times and he'd had to sit down hard on the floor to keep from falling down.

"How you feeling...pain wise?"

"Tired. My chest and sides hurt, but nothing like in the wagon…I ain't n-never hurt like that before." Jimmy's mouth tightened in memory of the wagon ride. She hastily added, "I can't seem to think clear. Everything feels foggy."

"Doc's got you on morphine. He made us take off the binding on your ribs so you could breathe deep, even though it was likely to hurt. Said your lungs needed space to work right and heal up. But you caint go lurching around. Got to let your bones heal up."

"How long am I supposed to be in bed?"

"At least a week, Lou. Maybe longer. And it will be at least a few weeks after that before you can ride again."

He watched her face as a shadow crossed it. He recognized it as fear at the thought of riding again.

Jimmy narrowed his eyes and pressed. "I guess you'll be anxious to get back on the trail, knowing you."

Lou made noncommittal sound, and she seemed distracted as she looked over at the window again. "What time is it?"

Jimmy glanced up at the clock on the wall behind her bed. "It's a quarter past three."

"What the hell are you doing in here at three in the morning? Go to sleep, Jimmy!"

"I told you that we was worried. We been taking turns sitting with you in case you woke."

"Well, I woke. I'll be fine. Why don't you go rest?"

"I'll do. You hungry? You look like somebody stretched your skin too tight over your bones, Lou."

"Well, God, Jimmy. Thanks for that."

He grinned, shrugged. "You're the prettiest skeleton I ever saw. How's that? But still, would you eat something? I prefer you with some meat on your bones."

"Ain't hungry. Maybe in the morning," Lou shrugged. "You sure you don't want to go back to your bunk and sleep?"

Jimmy shook his head. "I'd rather be here...couldn't sleep anyway for worrying about you if I wasn't here. You about scared me to death."

"I'm so tired, Jimmy...would you...wake me if the nightmares come again? I am afraid what I will say."

"You got it, darlin'. Sleep." Jimmy promised in a husky voice, and sat at her side, holding her hand, as she drifted back to sleep.

* * *

She was too hot.

She was too cold.

She was starving.

She didn't want broth, she wanted stew.

She was thirsty.

The water was too warm.

Cold water made her cough.

They were crowding her with their visits.

She was bored and tired of being alone.

 _She_ was the worst patient Rachel had ever had the misfortune of tending to and after telling her so and threatening to end the suffering, _her own,_ Rachel had clarified, _not Lou's_ , by smothering the girl with a pillow, Rachel left the guest room with a mighty bang of the door.

Teaspoon, who'd been coming up the stairs to see Lou, paused and raised his eyebrows in the path of Rachel's glare. He glanced behind him, considered retreating.

"Oh no you don't!" Her whiplash voice startled him into stillness. "You have _got_ to give that girl something to do before I kill her," Rachel said, pointing her finger at Teaspoon. "Or I quit."

"What's the doctor say?" Teaspoon asked cautiously, experience having taught him that stepping between two quarreling women was about as dangerous as any shootout he'd ever been involved in.

"Her ribs are mending and her cough is better, but she's still weak. She's still weak, by the way, _because she refuses to eat_!" Rachel raised her voice so the last bit would reach Lou on the other side of the door.

" _Well maybe if you'd bring me some real food_ _instead of this slop I would eat_! _You're gonna starve me to death!_ " Lou hurled back from the other side of the closed door, and then broke into another fit of coughing which made Rachel smile in a slow, satisfied way that chilled Teaspoon's blood a little bit.

Rachel took a deep breath and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear with some dignity. "Doc says she can so some light exercise. No riding yet."

"Maybe she can come into town with me tomorrow, help out with some of the paperwork in the Marshal's office." Teaspoon suggested. "Afraid if I leave you two alone together one more day that one of you is gonna end up a greasy spot on a wall somewhere. And I don't know who my money's on in that fight, but I got need of both of ya."

"Then you take her," Rachel said and pushed the full tray into Teaspoon's hands as she drifted by him and down the stairs.

* * *

Paperwork was about all I was good for, two weeks out after returning to Sweetwater. My cough still lingered, my ribs still ached, and I still tired very, very easily. I had tried to help with the horses, but I still didn't have the strength to be of much use in caring for them. I had never been so ill nor so injured let alone both at the same time.

So I sat like an invalid day after day beside Teaspoon or one of the boys as they drove me into town. It still hurt too bad to even hold the reins myself, though I had almost fallen off the damn wagon trying to prove to otherwise. And once in town, I sat at Teaspoon's desk and did whatever nonsense job he dreamed up for me to give me the illusion of earning my keep.

I knew he couldn't afford to keep paying me unless I started riding again, and the others couldn't afford to keep covering for me. None of them had said a word of complaint in my hearing; on the contrary they urged me to not rush my healing and rest.

It was their goodwill and concern that made me feel so very guilty about the glaring truth I had come to accept but didn't know how to tell them.

I was terrified to make another run for the express.

* * *

Teaspoon was snoring across the office and I was sorting through mail that Cody had brought by earlier when I heard horses coming at a faster pace than normal through town.

I glanced out the window and saw Katy charging down the main thoroughfare and not far behind him I saw Jimmy and Cody flanking a man I didn't recognize.

After getting a look at the expression on Kid's face, I called to Teaspoon, "Better wake up. Looks like trouble."

He snorted and startled awake and I followed him out to the boardwalk to wait for the riders and the news they carried, which did not look to be good.

Kid got to us first, leaped off Katy and rushed up the stairs to stand before me with panic bald on his face. He looked like he wanted to touch me but thought the better of it and did not. His expression was eloquent in its horror.

"What in the world is wrong?" I asked, bewildered and frightened.

There was no time to explain though because Jimmy, Cody, and the man they escorted were soon sitting on their horses in front of us. Kid stood directly before me, putting himself between me and this man I had never seen before as if he were a threat to me in some way.

"Can I help you?" Teaspoon asked after a tense moment during which I was frantically trying to read the stony expressions on Jimmy and Cody's faces from behind Kid's shoulders.

"Mr. Hunter, my name is Christopher Bollinger and I work for Russell, Majors, and Wadell in St. Joe. And I am afraid we've heard some rather distressing news about one of your riders."

My heart began thudding in my ears and I could barely hear Teaspoon inquire just what that news might be. I already knew.

"There is a Lou McCloud riding for you, Mr. Hunter."

Teaspoon cast a wary, sidelong glance at me and muttered, "What about him?"

"Well, sir...we have it on good authority that _he_ is actually a _she_. One of your riders is a woman, Mr. Hunter."


	12. Chapter 11: Unworthy

Chapter 11: Unworthy

Mr. Bollinger's announcement hung over the street like a thundercloud.

 _Well, sir...we have it on good authority that_ he _is actually a_ she _. One of your riders is a woman, Mr. Hunter._

There was a long pause, and Teaspoon seemed to be struggling to arrive at a response. I could see Kid, Jimmy, and Cody were near revolt.

Finally Teaspoon asked, "What on God's earth are you talking about? That is a mighty serious allegation. How did you come to make it?"

"It was reported by another rider."

Jimmy's growl sounded feral. Kid looked back at me, stunned. And Cody muttered, " _Damn_ him." For my part, I just stood frozen in place in Kid's shadow.

"Lou McCloud has been riding for me since Day One. Always been one of my best. How do you suppose this rider came by this information after all this time?" Teaspoon persisted.

"Apparently Miss McCloud attempted to seduce him. When he rejected her advances, she pulled a gun on him. He felt honor-bound to report what had happened for the safety of the other riders."

My cheeks were on fire and I felt like the rest of me might burst into flames at any moment. This was worse than being naked in the pond with Teaspoon. I felt stripped bare on the porch of the Marshal's office on Main Street.

I became gradually aware of the boys' violent protests as my ears stopped ringing with Danny's lie.

"Danny Monroe is a liar!" Kid half-shouted.

"He beat Lou and then set others up to do the same!" Jimmy added.

"Gentlemen, I need you to calm yourselves. The manner in which Monroe discovered her identity is less important than the fact that she _has_ been riding under false pretenses, lying to her employers…to you...and putting the company's reputation in jeopardy!" Bollinger warned.

"How is Lou doing that exactly?" Teaspoon's tone was dangerous.

"Look, Mr. Hunter I understand this must come as a tremendous surprise, but we just cannot afford to let a young woman ride under our company name. It isn't proper! And think of what the papers would say if this came out!"

"If you or the papers had any sense they'd say Lou McCloud ain't been _nothing_ but a credit to the company name _and_ _mine_!"

"Where is she?" Bollinger asked coldly. "Anything further I have to say is really for her."

"You ain't gonna come into my town and my station…" Teaspoon began, surging forward, hands balled into fists.

I took a quick step forward and put my hand on Teaspoon's rigid arm to stop him, emerging from the shadows. I had on men's clothing but not my hat. Lulled once more into complacency in my position, I had forgotten to hide. Again.

"Teaspoon, please," I said softly so that only he, and maybe Kid, could hear. "I don't wanna get you in trouble. You got to remember, the others need you too."

I saw the pain in his eyes, knew it was because he didn't know how to protect me from what was coming. I turned away from him, violently blinking down the tears stinging my eyes as I came around Kid's shoulder to the edge of the porch and met Christopher Bollinger's stare. He looked surprised, as if he had overlooked me in all the time he had been sitting there.

"I'm Lou McCloud."

He seemed taken aback as he studied me. I wasn't sure if it was my appearance in general, or the fading bruises that still made my face a patchwork of blues and greens and sickly yellow that took him unaware. Whatever he had expected, I seemed to be the opposite.

"Miss McCloud...certainly you not going to deny you are a woman? Honestly I am not sure how anyone thought otherwise…"

"Would it matter if I denied it?" I asked dryly.

"Of course...we would give you the opportunity to prove…" he broke off, flustered.

I was so angry. At him. At Danny. At the world that was tilting upside down. "Ah. You would give me the opportunity to prove my manhood? How? Maybe the way Danny Monroe _proved_ his manhood to me?"

" _Lou_ ," Kid's low voice was distressed behind me. Jimmy's eyes were riveted on my face and he did not move a muscle.

"He hit me to make a point of being bigger when he thought I was a boy. When he found out I wasn't, then he cornered me and threatened to rape me. He forced his mouth on mine, his hands on me. _In_ _me_. Ripped my clothing. Threatened to turn me in as a girl if I didn't let him do as he pleased or if I told anyone. Spread a lie about what had happened that meant four other riders attacked me on the trail, believing him. They nearly killed me."

I saw Teaspoon swell in anger out of the corner of my eye. "Lou," Kid murmured again brokenly, and set a comforting hand on my shoulder. Cody dropped his face in his hand. Jimmy had seemingly turned to stone, but his eyes now swiveled to watch Bollinger for his next move.

I wasn't even sure I had the courage to ride again but I knew that I was furious that Danny had closed the door so easily, and with no consequences. And I seemed to have lost the ability to stop myself from talking. "But it isn't important what _he_ is or _how_ he came by the information he told you."

Bollinger was clearly at a loss of what to say in response, so I continued. The injustice of the situation was between my teeth now, like the bit of a runaway horse, and there was no stopping me. I knew it wasn't going to change a single thing about the outcome of this visit, but I had nothing left to lose. "Still, after that, you are just worried that _I_ am the one hurting the reputation of the company," I continued.

"Miss, I assure you that Mr. Monroe's conduct will be addressed, particularly after seeing those marks on you, but you have to know lying about your identity was wrong and irresponsible."

I sighed. "At the time it was the only way I could think of to feed myself. I didn't know I would love it so much and stay with it so long. I have been doing this job for over a year. I am not sure what better proof you need that I am able to ride my routes, woman or not...and the only danger to me has been men _you_ hired. Why are my life and my choices worth any more or less than a man's?"

"It's hardly proper for a young woman such as yourself to be out unsupervised on the trail! And living with a group of young men...surely you recognize the dangers of that to your reputation and ours, should word get out. There are more appropriate ways to earn a living, surely you must agree..."

"Did you mean scrubbing floors for pennies the rest of my life or would you suggest I become a whore? Which one is better? Which would you choose?"

I paused and looked around. I think everyone but me had ceased breathing during my outburst. I wasn't sure where the fury that ignited me stemmed from, but it was deep and it was hot. I saw Bollinger flush with embarrassment.

"You are quite a pretty young woman, or would be if you worked at it. I'm sure you could marry..."

"Pretty...well thank goodness for that. Otherwise whorin' or marryin' would be out of the question and floors it would be." I snapped and thus found the edges of his patience.

"Quite honestly, Miss McCloud I don't care what you do, but you don't ride for the Pony Express any more!" He grated out at last, ready to be done with this, with me, and my challenge to him.

He pulled an envelope from his breast pocket and held it out to me, looking over me as if he saw something unclean. "Your last wages. The company included a week's extra pay..."

I would have starved to death right on that porch before going to him to take it. Cody seemed to recognize that, but also the fact I probably would need the money, and so he reached over to snatch the envelope from his hand.

"If she is fired, I quit too," Jimmy snapped.

"Me too!" Kid growled followed quickly by Cody. I noticed a crowd was gathering at the outskirts of our circle, curious about the raised voices.

Teaspoon's voice boomed, "Looks like you can find yourself a new station master and train another set of riders cause I can tell you right now ain't one of my boys who will ride for a company that…"

"No!" I thundered, rounding on all of them but stopping on Teaspoon. "All of you stop it! I do not want this! You hear me? This is _not_ what I want!"

I walked to stand before Teaspoon, my voice lowered, my ribs aching worse than they had in a week and my heart pounding relentlessly against them. "I can live with this. I cannot live with getting you all fired." Tears filled my eyes. "Please."

"You ain't getting us fired. We are quitting, darlin."

"It's the same difference, Teaspoon. I won't have it. It was the reason I kept quiet about Danny...to protect your job as much as mine…"

"That wasn't your call, sweetheart. I would have never allowed such a thing."

"Well, I did it. Please, don't make everything that happened after for nothing! Please...I'll beg you if I have to. Talk the boys down. If you back down, they will. Please," I whispered again and held his gaze until I saw him give in.

Bollinger called out, "You all seem very dedicated. Your station is one of our very best. I would hate to lose you, but the company is firm on this matter. Miss McCloud's employment is terminated."

I turned and stared at Bollinger. Then without another word, I walked slowly back into the Marshal's office and made it to Teaspoon's chair before my legs gave out from under me. The stream of arguments from Teaspoon, Jimmy, Kid, Cody and Bollinger blended into one monotone hum that buzzed in my ears but ceased to be anything but noise as I stared out the window at the town and wondered what in the hell I was going to do now.

* * *

Jimmy followed Teaspoon and Kid into the office, Cody at his elbow. They found Lou sitting stock still in Teaspoon's chair, looking out the window.

She seemed composed at first glance, but Jimmy could see her hands were trembling even from the doorway.

Teaspoon leaned on the desk above her and reached out to hold her shoulder gently. Her eyes eventually turned toward him.

"Sweetheart, what you did back there was about the bravest thing I ever seen anyone do in all my years. You stood up for yourself and what was right. I know it wasn't easy on you talking about what happened. You done yourself, and us proud. The fact that man is too stupid or small-minded to have heard you ain't no reflection on you, Lou, or the power of what you said."

Lou looked back out the window and shrugged. "Well...he was right. I did lie about who I was. To you, to the company...to everyone. Been lying for years now about who I really am. Sometimes I felt like if I could just ride fast enough, far enough, I could put enough distance from myself to escape...but that was just me dreaming. It was bound to catch up to me sooner or later."

Jimmy was concerned at the distant sound of her tone, as if she were miles away, out the door. He didn't think she was talking about dressing as a man right now, but rather trying to outrun the girl who screamed when her guard was lowered by pain, drugs, and fever about a monster who had fathered her and another man who scared her as badly as her father.

"Teaspoon, there has gotta be something we can do," Kid was protesting. "They can't just fire her like that can they?"

"I think they just did, Kid," Cody pointed out grimly.

"They can fire me for any reason they like, Kid," Lou pointed out, eyes still trained out the window. "Figured you would be happy I wasn't able to ride no more..."

Jimmy saw the pain those words struck into Kid, who flinched. "That ain't fair, Lou," Jimmy defended his friend quietly.

"Anything that causes you pain would never make me happy Lou...I'm sorry if I ever made you think it would …" Kid's voice was thick with emotion.

Tears, almost of their own accord spilled down Lou's face, an expressionless mask, rain running down stone.

"I'm sorry, Kid." she whispered after the charged silence that followed, the air thick with their ghosts.

"Don't worry about it," Kid murmured, looking at the floor.

"What are we gonna do?" Jimmy finally asked for all of them.

"I am gonna write a letter to the company. Tell em I need Lou to make this station run, that she has been a key part of the success of my station. Ask 'em to reconsider their decision."

"You think that will work?" Jimmy asked trying to keep the doubt out of his tone for Lou's sake.

"Can't hurt. I am also gonna follow up on the initial report I made about the attack on Lou and Danny's role in it."

Jimmy glanced at Lou,but she seemed intent on the street outside like she wasn't really listening.

"I am going after him," Jimmy said quietly.

"I am going with him," Kid agreed. "He's gonna answer for what he did to Lou."

"Boys...let's let the law handle this. I can contact the Marshal's in Willow Springs. Have him taken

in."

"That means Lou will have to testify, Teaspoon," Cody murmured.

"Lou would you do that?" Teaspoon asked and she raised an eyebrow in question, not having been paying attention. He clarified, "Would you testify in a court that Danny attacked you?"

She lifted a shoulder. "Not sure it will make a difference. I know you don't like that he hit me or put his hands on me, and neither do I, but fact is he didn't hurt me that bad...and he ain't gonna be held responsible for what happened in Ft. Kearney. And even then, it's just my word against his. Judge might not believe me or care what I had to say any more than Bollinger."

"She has a point," Jimmy acknowledged. "That's why I want to ride after him. It's the only way Lou gets justice, Teaspoon."

"I don't want justice Jimmy! Not that way! It's what he wants and expects! He ain't worth it!"

"But you are, Lou. _You're_ worth it!" Kid said quietly but with feeling, and Jimmy and Cody nodded.

"No I ain't!" She half-shouted. "Faster you get that through your heads the better!"

Tears filled her eyes again as she stood quickly and as fast as her healing injuries would permit, she headed for the door and out into the street.

* * *

I walked without direction, relieved when I heard Teaspoon prevent Kid from following me.

It was a sunny afternoon, warm for the season, and the exercise, which I had not had a lot of lately, felt good to me. I was getting stronger, coughing much less.

In fact, I would probably have healed up enough to take a short run by this time next week...I suddenly caught myself... _if_ I still worked for the Express.

The realization I didn't dropped through my stomach, hurt like a blow.

I had no plan. No job. Limited options. And two siblings depending on me to make a life for us.

"Looks like you tangled with the wrong man," a quiet voice observed.

I startled and glanced up. My wandering had taken me by the saloon. A saloon girl stood on the porch, watching me. I got the feeling she had been watching for awhile.

I looked around, not sure she was talking to me.

"I said it looks like you tangled with the wrong man, honey." At my dumb look, she gestured toward my face and the gash on my head. "Folks sure are talking about you."

I stared.

She cocked her head. "Well, maybe they was wrong. They are in there saying how a fiery little wisp of a girl who been riding the Express just gave a company man a tongue lashing to put me to shame...and that's saying something cause I got the temper to match this red hair...but seems like you are mute."

"I ain't mute," I muttered.

"Well thank goodness for that. Those boys out at the station do that to your face?" She asked with no outrage, just curiosity.

"Course not!" I snapped, defensive of my boys. "They would never...they ain't that sort."

"Glad to hear it...I didn't think so, but sometimes men hide that sort of thing well."

"I know. Not them though," I wasn't sure why I was still standing there, talking to this woman I didn't know from Eve.

"They are saying you got fired after a rider beat you and told the company you was a girl."

"Well if they say it," I muttered. "Close enough."

"You got guts," she said.

"Look where it got me," I said bitterly.

"If you need work…" she began.

"I ain't interested in whorin'," I snapped, my voice ugly.

"Neither am I, but even if I was I wouldn't stand for you looking down your nose at me like that. We do what we gotta do out here as women. Figured you would understand that better than most. Guess I was wrong about you."

She started to retreat and tears pricked my eyes as shame heated my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I murmured sincerely. "I am taking out my anger on you. You don't deserve that."

"I reckon getting fired has got you reeling some."

I nodded. "You could say so. I...I loved that job."

She watched me and I her, a world of understanding passing between us. "Look, there is a difference between whorin' and being a saloon girl you know. If the men are after whores, they go to the cat house. They come here for company and a little flirtation. If one of 'em gets too bold, we got old Atticus to throw em out with the slop."

Of course, I knew the difference between the two jobs, but Cole Lambert was my proof some men didn't make the distinction.

She continued. "I gotta get back inside. But if ya can't find work elsewhere, we are short-handed here. Folks is interested in your story. Probably tip well to hear it."

"Thanks. I'll think about it."

She nodded and walked back into the saloon and after she was gone I realized I didn't even ask her for her name.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for hanging with me. Real life got the best of me so I apologize this was a little long in coming.

Teton Lady: I've painted myself into a corner with my idea for the "un" chapter names. Running out of UN words!


	13. Chapter 12: Unattached

Chapter 12: Unattached

Teaspoon had said little on the wagon seat beside me on the ride home, and Kid, Jimmy, and Cody held back and kept their own counsel. I didn't feel like talking so the silence suited me fine.

However, Ike, Noah, and Rachel were gathered on the bunkhouse porch when we drove in and from the looks on their faces, it was obvious that the news from town had made it to them, one way or the other.

Teaspoon helped me down gently and held my hand in his keeping a beat longer than necessary. He was studying my face when I looked at him in question.

"You alright, Sweetheart?"

I shrugged. "Ain't got a lot of choice but to be alright."

"I don't want you fretting. You are family and your place is here. And everything else will fall into place around that. You understand me?"

"Teaspoon…" I protested. "You're gonna have to hire a new rider to take my place…"

"I ain't gotta do nothin. Who runs this station? Me or you?"

"It ain't gonna be you for long if you don't keep in mind you need another rider to keep the mail running…" I pointed out practically.

"You just be quiet and go wash up." Teaspoon growled at me as Ike ran to my side, pale with concern.

"It's alright, Ike. I'm fine."

Chaos prevailed at the bunkhouse that evening.

I was exhausted with the stress of the day and assuring them all I was alright when I wasn't sure I was. I felt numb more than anything but I suspected under the layer of detached disbelief my heart was ready to split along the fault lines.

They were all half-shouting across the bunkhouse table. Ideas to get me rehired, how to keep me on, how the company was wrong. I was quiet as Teaspoon suggested he hire me on to help with the horses or to help Rachel, who readily agreed she could use the help even though she ran her kitchen, the schedule, and us with ease.

Not to mention that was my idea of hell.

It was madness. He couldn't afford to pay me out of his pocket and the company would soon find out if I was on the payroll in any way. Though they had overlooked Teaspoon's disregard for the rules in letting me ride for him, now that they had forbidden it, it was unlikely they would tolerate Teaspoon's defiance where I was concerned.

I listened with my throat tight with emotion when the boys started trying to figure out how much of their meager pay it would take to give me an equal share. They were adding up their savings and talking about dipping into their own dreams. For me.

My voice was thick with tears and I had to try several times to be heard over them as I interrupted their calculations.

"Stop!" I finally yelled and nearly gave over to a fit of coughing. Startled at the forceful nature of my protest, they did fall silent.

"Boys...what you are talking about doing for me is about the most generous thing anyone has ever offered to do for me...but it ain't gonna work. I been taking care of myself and makin' my own way since my Ma died. I can't accept your charity. I got my brother and sister to think of still."

"Lou, it ain't like charity...you'd be earning your keep," Jimmy protested.

"Earning my keep outta your pockets! I won't take advantage of our family that way. I got my pride. I will make my way."

"How?" Noah asked.

"I got some ideas."

"Lou, my house don't belong to the company like the bunkhouse. Belongs to Emma Shannon. And I know she wouldn't have no objections to you staying there with me like you have been. It's a big house, Louise. Surely you can't object to that."

I sighed. "If you don't mind, Rachel, I would be obliged. At least until I can figure something else out."

"Take as long as you need. Can't think of anyone else I would rather have as a housemate, provided you ain't also my patient."

My face stretched into a smile in response, but it felt wooden on my face so I dropped the pretense.

"I'm exhausted," I murmured at last, their eyes on me. "I'm gonna turn in."

I still felt their stares on my back as I retreated, and they were oddly silent as I left the porch and started toward the main house.

I had not slept in the bunkhouse since returning from Ft. Kearney, my wounds making the top bunk unreachable, and the boys and Rachel insisting I have quiet so I could sleep. The thing was, I had grown so used to the sounds of the bunkhouse at night that the silence of Rachel's house was deafening to me. I had missed the bunkhouse tremendously. Now I supposed I would never sleep there again. It was enough to make my eyes sting with tears, but if I gave into them now, I wasn't sure when they would ever stop.

"Lou!" Kid's voice called out behind me and I blinked down the stinging tears. Kid had been more quiet than usual during the scene in the bunkhouse, but I had felt his gaze burning me for long stretches while the others debated my future.

"Lou, can we talk?"

I was wary, but I figured that the conversation with Kid about Danny was inevitable. "Sure Kid, but can we do it in the house? It's cold out here and I am tired."

"Sure. You still gotta take it easy, get your strength back. Ain't gonna solve nothing to go too fast," he scolded without heat and held the door to Rachel's open before following me into the sitting room.

I sat on the sofa and after a moment's hesitation, Kid sat beside me. The silence stretched the distance between us until it felt nearly impossible to cross. There were times when it was easy between Kid and me again, like in the days before we had hurt and disappointed each other. Times when I was hopeful we might someday repair the damage we had done.

This did not feel like one of those times. But Kid persisted.

"Lou...what really happened with Danny? Did he really try to… Is what you told Bollinger true? He put his hands on you?"

I met his eyes, saw he had gone pale with the thought. It had been his fear for me since the first moment he discovered my secret. It had been the first protest out of his mouth. It had been at the heart of why he had driven me crazy with his worry while we had been together.

"He mostly was out to scare me...he did touch me...rip my shirt, kiss me..threatened to do more...but he didn't hurt me badly, Kid."

I told him in starts and stops the whole of what had happened at Johnson's Station and in town the next morning, of Danny's extortion threats. Kid's jaw set harder and harder as I told him, even with me glossing over the worst bits.

"I didn't know what to do...but I knew there would be no stopping you all if I told you what had really happened...so I kept it to myself." I finished. "I guess he decided to report me anyway."

Kid sat stock still through the telling and stared at the hands he had clasped together in front of him. His knuckles had gone white with the strength of his clenched grasp. At that last bit, though, he took a deep breath and cautiously stretched his hand over and took one of mine in his. Only by contrast to his warmth did I realize how cold mine were.

"I am so sorry, Lou. He had no right to lay hands on you at all...much less the other things he did…"

I looked at my hand in his, shrugged. "You were always so scared something like that would happen. I guess you were right."

"That don't give me any satisfaction," he whispered, cautiously.

I nodded, my voice thick. "I know that, Kid. I know, even after everything, that you would never want me hurt...or even scared...by anyone."

He met my gaze, nodded. "That's God's truth Lou. Never could abide the thought of you in any sort of trouble or pain." He fidgeted for a moment before abruptly standing up and muttering about my hands being like ice as he went about starting a fire.

I watched the strong lines of his back as he crouched before the hearth, the powerful plains of which I had once explored with fingertips and lips, and was surprised to feel a quickening of my heart despite myself.

Satisfied when a snapping blaze quickly began warming the room, and me, he turned and nervously met my eyes. He didn't sit, but rather stood awkwardly before me.

"Lou...I hope you know how much you mean to me...after everything, and I know we ain't in the most comfortable spot with each other these days...but given what's happened...well, Lou, I wanted to do right by you back then, and now…"

I stood abruptly, wincing at the sharp pain through my ribs. "Don't!" I demanded. "Don't you dare say another word! I wasn't ready for you to make an honest woman out of me back when we were sparking, and I sure ain't ready to become your wife because you feel honor-bound or indebted to me right now!"

"Lou, it ain't the craziest idea...you need help and I never stopped caring for you and I think you feel the same about me…"

I closed my eyes, the memory of him gushing about the school teacher playing in my mind. I did still love him, which is why him moving on hurt still. I refused to throw it in his face, I had relinquished my claim on him first, but it had shaken my confidence in him and what we had felt for each other that he had been willing to die for another woman he had just met in a ridiculous duel. The others had tried to protect me from the knowledge of what had happened at the dance and by the river, but folks in town had wagged their tongues plenty about it. I hadn't let any of them know I knew. But I did and it hurt me plenty.

And then there was Jimmy...never doubting me, picking up the pieces Kid had carelessly scattered with his words and actions. Putting himself between me and Hopkins. Putting himself between me and my nightmares. Holding me upright for hours in a wagon without moving for fear he would jostle me. Sewing buttons back on my shirt because he was sorry for how they had come off.

"Kid...I don't know what the future holds for us...but it ain't this right now. Don't you see...I would resent depending on you and you'd eventually come to resent the way you had been backed into marrying me. All the same troubles we had ain't been worked out just cause I ain't riding no more," I swallowed. Saying that out loud was painful. "I ain't sure I can be what you want because I ain't sure you know what you want...and that is fine...Ain't no law says you got to figure it all out. But my Pa found nothing but disappointment in my Ma...she couldn't be what he wanted and it eventually killed her."

He looked devastated at those words. "I ain't like your Pa, Lou. Or mine."

I nodded, flinched. I hadn't meant to imply he was like my father or his own; I didn't know everything about Kid's early life but I knew enough to understand it was a miracle he had grown into the man with the gentle hands he was. "I didn't mean that...I know you ain't nothing like them, Kid...but I _am_ like my Ma."

He dropped his head and rubbed his forehead for a moment with a heavy sigh. "You know...eventually I am gonna get tired of you turning down my proposals, Lou. A man's confidence gets shaky."

And a grin split his face as he looked sheepishly at me and despite myself, a giggle escaped me. "You've got just the worst timing, Kid. You are good at a lot of things. Proposin' ain't one of 'em."

He sighed and shrugged. "Seems that way."

"Serve you right if I had said yes."

He gave a quick bark of laughter, letting me know just how much he had doubted I would accept his offer. Yet if I had, I knew he would have stood beside it for the rest of his life, and it was that honor and goodness in him that had made me love him. Then he turned serious. "Well...what _are_ you gonna do, Lou?"

"Don't worry, Kid. Been telling you from early days, I can take care of myself."

"Lou, just cause you _can_ don't mean you always have to."

There was pain on my behalf and sincerity in his voice and I stepped to him and wrapped my arms around his middle. His own came around me gently in response. I lay my cheek against his chest, finding the rhythm of the heart that had been mine once under my ear. I murmured, "I know. Thank you for the offer, Kid. Truly. I just...caint."

He stroked my hair once. "Guess I figured you would feel that way. But you will let me help you...if you need it?"

I nodded and clung to him tightly and whispered with urgency, "Don't go after Danny, Kid. Please."

I felt him stiffen. "Why the hell not?"

I pulled back and looked up at him. There was no softness in his eyes now, only blood-lust and determination, and now defensiveness. Again, I recalled his look when he had decided to call Lambert out for hurting me. There had been no deterring him, though it had been lunacy. He looked the same now.

"Kid! It ain't gonna do a damn bit of good. I already lost my job over him...now you're gonna let him get you fired too?" I scolded.

"Lou, it's a question of honor. He doesn't get to do to you what he did without answering for it. And you already pointed out the law isn't likely to do much."

"He will be expecting you. You know what it's going to do to me if he takes you _and_ my job away?"

"He ain't gonna take me away," Kid said with certainty.

"Are you God now? Doling out vengeance as you see fit, deciding who lives or dies? Are you invincible?" I was near to yelling as I pulled away from him and stalked around the room to distance myself from him.

"Lou, you ain't being reasonable…" his voice was slightly elevated, but had taken on the overly placating tone that had set my teeth on edge when we had argued while we were together.

My voice climbed still higher in volume. "You're the one who wants to kill a man and I am being unreasonable? Damn it, Kid!"

"I'm doing it _for_ you damn it!" Kid finally shouted.

I rounded on him, wanting to beat my fists against his chest I was so furious at him. "Don't you dare act like you are doing me a favor! I can deal with Danny in my way and in my time! I don't want you killing another man on account of me! I ain't yours to defend and I don't want it on my conscience or to be in your debt for it!"

I had hurled those words at him at the top of my fragile lungs, and it cost me as I broke into a fit of coughing so bad I was soon gasping for breath in the short pauses between the wracking coughs.

Suddenly Rachel was at my side, urging me down on the sofa and instructing me to calm down and breathe deep. I had no idea when she had come in the house. It was then I realized the floodgates of my tears had opened and I was sobbing, coughing, and gasping at the same time.

I let myself be folded into her arms, heard her tell a bewildered Kid to leave us until I calmed down.

* * *

I awoke some time later and found myself in Rachel's sitting room, stretched on the sofa with a blanket pulled over me. My eyes felt salty and my throat and chest raw. The only light in the room was the low-burning fire.

I thought I was alone, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I startled half-upright and realized I had been sleeping on a pillow in Jimmy's lap.

I looked at him in question, not remembering him coming in.

"I came to spell Rachel...you about made yourself good and sick again, between your tirade against Kid and crying so hard. We didn't want to move you once you drifted off, but didn't want you alone neither."

I guess I still looked suspicious because he added, "You was calling out with a bad dream in your sleep. Seemed to quiet down when I sat with you and touched your hair."

"My Mama used to do that when I had bad dreams," I said sleepily in a voice that sounded like it had been dragged over sharp rocks.

"Mine too," he murmured. "It's still hours till dawn. Want me to help you upstairs to your room?"

I shook my head. "It is warm here...and I'm too tired…"

My head felt too heavy suddenly and at the gentle pressure of Jimmy's hand, I lay it back in his lap. I thought to tell him to go on to his bed, that I was fine, but his fingers were slowly combing through my hair and words seemed to suddenly require enormous effort.

"Forgive us, Lou," I heard him say just before I slipped over the edge into sleep.

* * *

I started awake again with his plea for forgiveness burning through my grogginess like sun through fog. The fire was cold, the room lightening in dawn, and I was alone.

 _Forgive us, Lou._ Jimmy had whispered _._ And I suddenly knew why.

They had, against my wishes, gone after Danny _._

* * *

Thanks for the Un-suggestions. I'll be stealing them for sure as we move forward!


	14. Chapter 13: Unanswered

Chapter 13: Unanswered

The windmill rose into view first, spinning rapidly in the icy wind. Jimmy sighed with relief. There were frozen bits of ice clinging to the skin beneath his nose and he was pretty sure his feet might have fallen off hours ago.

"There is going to be hell to pay," Kid sighed, in a burst of silver vapor, glancing at Jimmy as they slowed their mounts. It was late in the day for a run to be coming in, and they had no desire to startle anyone at the station by thundering in at the speed trouble usually elected.

"And nothing to show for it," Jimmy muttered in frustration.

He and Kid, ignoring Lou's wishes and wrath, and Teaspoon's advisement against it, had ridden hell-bent for Johnson's Station. They had prepared themselves to end Danny Monroe's life, only to find that he had left the station in the middle of the night five days prior, about two days before Bollinger had ridden in to dismiss him. No one seemed to know where he'd gone or they weren't willing to tell the bloodthirsty riders asking.

"Seemed to know you'd be coming for him, Hickok. I guess that's why he lit out. That company fellow told us about your rider...Lou...about what Danny had done to him-I mean, her. Wanted you to know...we were sorry about that," Joe, the station master murmured. "Maybe you could tell Lou that?"

Kid and Jimmy had tried nearby towns with no luck. For their purposes, Danny had as good as disappeared.

Now, defeated, the thirst for an answer to Lou's honor unsatisfied, they were back. And Jimmy and Kid both, though neither had voiced it, shared the same fear...that Danny would be back for Lou before it was over, and they had no idea from what direction to expect him or when he might reappear.

Wordlessly they cared for their horses and gave each other a bolstering look before going in the bunkhouse.

The warm air enveloped them the second they crossed the threshold, accompanied by several shouts to, " _Close_ _the door_!"

They were all sitting down to dinner. Jimmy crossed to stand before the fire and scanned the table to find Lou wasn't among them. Just as well if she was at the house. He would as soon do his explaining without an audience.

Teaspoon eyed them a moment. "You didn't find him," he predicted.

Kid shook his head. "Coward lit out about the time Bollinger started this way is my guess."

"Nobody seems to know where he got to," Jimmy added. "We spent a few days trying to track him down. He might as well have vanished."

"Ain't it a good thing he up and lit out? I mean aside from killing him, it's the next best thing to have him running scared," Noah ventured.

Jimmy shook his head. "If I thought it was the end of it, maybe. But I know him and his type…"

"Snake in the tall grass?" Teaspoon asked knowingly.

Jimmy nodded. "He will be back...and he will be a problem. For Lou."

Buck spoke up, "Then we'll take care of it."

Jimmy and Kid nodded but exchanged a doubtful glance. Keeping an eye on Lou at all times had been something both of them had failed at in the past, and her cooperation in similar matters was historically low.

"How's she feeling?" Kid wondered, concerned not to see her.

Jimmy immediately noticed the meaningful looks that crossed the table on multiple diagonals and got a strange feeling of foreboding.

"She's healing fast now, seems like," Rachel ventured.

"She at the house?" Jimmy wondered. "Kid and I better talk to her...unless...is she sleeping?"

The silence was awkward, tense. Finally a few of them shook their heads to indicate she wasn't at the house.

"Where is she?" Kid demanded, startled at their reluctance to speak of Lou.

"Working," Cody supplied, guarded.

"Working where?" Kid questioned through clenched teeth.

"Kid...maybe you ought to…" Rachel began.

Kid interrupted her, " _Where_ is _she_?"

Another flurry of looks. Then Teaspoon sighed.

"She took a job at the saloon, Kid."

* * *

"Buy you a drink, Miss Louise?"

I smiled at the man on the barstool. His name was Thomas, he was a widower in his 50s and he'd been in every night since I started working at the saloon.

He was shy, mild-mannered, and exceedingly respectful around me. I had developed a soft spot for him instantly. His gentleness had put me at ease on my first evening in the saloon, five days past.

"Tom, ain't you got something else to spend your money on 'sides drinks for me?" I teased.

"Small price to pay for your company young lady. Plus, keeps you away from any of the other fellas whose intentions might not be as innocent as mine. I just like talking to you."

"Not sure you can afford to be so noble." I sighed with a twinge of guilt, and caught Billy, the bartender's eye. I saw him beam with approval as I slid onto the stool by Thomas.

"A drink for the lady, Bill."

"Sure thing," Billy grinned and poured me a glass, placing it before me. I met his eyes and he winked at me.

I clicked my glass with Thomas and drank a sip of the slightly sweetened tea they passed off as whiskey for the girls. Of course, the customers assumed they were buying us a real drink...at the real drink mark-up, and I got a cut of every drink bought for me...which had been quite a few these first days. A new girl was always cause for curiosity, and my billing as the former pony express rider made me popular.

I guess my anxiousness over the first shot bought for me by Thomas on my first evening had shown, because Billy had given me the same reassuring wink then and had smiled at my shocked expression when I realized it wasn't really whiskey in my shot glass.

That had gone a long way in relaxing me. I'd seen the women at Wicks' house when they had been drinking real whiskey...and what had happened to them after. One of the girls had died when Wicks forced her to keep drinking an entire bottle she'd stolen from him. It had been a hideous death and one of my first experiences with Frank Wicks' cruel and ruthless nature.

Still, the fact that the men didn't seem to catch on to the fake whiskey ruse baffled me. They must have had a tremendous amount of respect for our tolerance. Last night alone I'd been bought twelve drinks.

"How'd you end up with the express anyway, young lady?"

I sighed. I always tried to keep the conversation focused on the men and away from myself. Even so, I had been asked the question many times. I hated discussing personal matters with anyone, much less strangers. Isabelle, the red head I'd first met on the porch after being fired, had given me useful advice. "You gotta learn to read them. Tell 'em what you think they wanna hear. Truth is either too valuable or not worth the price of the sweetened water they give us. At any rate, keep your secrets close. They ain't entitled to them."

I launched into a practiced fiction about being orphaned while on a wagon train out West.

* * *

My mind wandered as I talked with Thomas, sometimes speaking, sometimes listening. It wasn't a difficult job, particularly considering the one I had been doing for the last year. There were times I enjoyed it; the company, the lively atmosphere, the admiration of the men, the company of other young women.

It was a world different than Wicks' brothel. The current owner of the Wild Horse was Billy, who tended bar. He was tall and gangly, in his late 40s, with silver lightening his temples and streaked through his handlebar mustache. It might have been the mustache that made his smile seem so wide and welcoming. I could not remember ever seeing Wicks, nor anyone who worked for him, truly smile.

The morning after I woke up and found Kid and Jimmy gone, I had seethed with anger for a few hours, contemplating going after them before realizing I wasn't well enough to ride that far. Instead, I decided it was time to move forward, accept that I wasn't one of the boys any longer. I had two choices. Start over somewhere else where no one knew me as Lou, or stay with them and try to be Louise. The real Louise. An orphaned, mostly self-educated, former whorehouse employee. I was done hiding from myself.

I'd put on the pink and white dress I'd bought before meeting Tyler DeWitt. It had still been hanging in Emma's guest closet...she had kept it there for me to keep my secret safe, and I had never worn it again. Still, it felt more right to wear that one than the blue floral print Jimmy had bought me, even though that one was my favorite.

I asked Buck to drive me into town, told him I would ride home with Teaspoon. He watched me get down from the wagon with a million protests in his eyes, but his nature meant I knew he was unlikely to interfere.

"Careful Lou," he told me sadly as I stood back so he could drive away. I glanced at the Marshal's office and walked in the opposite direction, to the saloon.

The saloon was warm, with a comfortable haze of smoke hanging like a fog over the tables and bar. The sun streamed through the windows, catching the smoke and turning it a hazy blue. The saloon was by no means crowded; it was not yet lunch, but a few exceedingly loyal patrons dotted the bar.

Beside one of them was the redhead, Isabelle. She watched me curiously for a moment as I hesitated in the doorway, then turned around and called for Billy, who emerged from the back room.

"That's her," Isabelle said simply, by way of introduction and gave me a lopsided smile.

Despite my nerves and the doubt about what I was doing, I smiled back.

Billy invited me to sit, holding my chair out for me.

"I'm Billy. Own the place. You are?"

"Louise."

"You're looking for work I hear," he began.

"Anyone in town not hear about me getting fired?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"It was as much excitement as we've seen around here in months. You're a legend, girl. The fact Teaspoon Hunter spoke out for you says a lot about you in my book."

I snorted. Something about him and his grin reminded me of Teaspoon.

"You do this kinda work before?" Billy asked.

"A little bit. In Willow Creek a while back."

I felt his gaze on my face, glanced at him and saw his eyes drift over the fading bruises and gash on my temple.

"The marks will fade," I said defensively. "My hair can hide the cut and some cosmetics the bruises…"

"Ain't so worried about the marks I can see as the ones I can't. Honey, I can't have a girl here timid of men...and a beating like it looks like you got probably be enough to set a girl back a bit."

"I ain't scared of anyone!" I growled.

"Well that's nice to hear. And for what it's worth, I don't let the customers get rough with my girls. But you know there's a certain amount of...well, flirtation expected. A bit of touching...nothing too forward. Innocent enough, but you gonna be alright with that?"

I swallowed hard, nodded.

"If it gets outta hand, all you ever got to do is get my attention. Or Atticus…" Billy waved a hand toward the bar and I glanced over to see a massive looking man keeping watch over the room. "Course, most of the time the other customers get to the fellow before me or Atticus. The regulars hold a lot of affection for the girls and won't stand to see them mistreated. I guess I'm trying to tell you, it's fairly safe in my saloon for the girls. Not every place puts their girls' safety as a priority."

I thought of the way the saloon owner in Willow Creek had wanted to give me to Lambert when Lambert expressed the slightest interest, how he had practically sung with joy when I asked to take the Marshal dinner as part of getting Kid out of jail.

"I know that." I nodded again. "So...do I have the job?"

"We'll give it a try. Been curious about you since I heard your story. 'Spect others will feel the same and curiosity is good business. Pay is $15 a week and 15% of every drink bought for ya is yours too. It's alright to accept gifts from a customer but not money under the table. It's up to you if you decide you wanna take a customer upstairs...ain't expected, ain't that common with my girls, but if you decide to do it, I get 25% of your take. Deal?"

He held a hand out and after a brief hesitation I took it. He smiled at me and I smiled back, a bit resigned. I would be making half what I had with the express in wages. I had no idea how much commission to expect. Yet, it was more than scrubbing floors or housekeeping.

"You smile at the customers like that, honey and we'll both make a fortune. Hey Belle," he turned and called for the redhead, "Can you get Louise here a dress? Looks like she'll be working with us. First shift is tonight, 5:00 sharp till 1. All right?"

I nodded and he had patted my arm and left me to Isabelle and my future.

* * *

 **Now, I laughed at something Thomas was saying. He was so self-deprecating, so kind. I genuinely enjoyed him.**

He grew a little somber. "Your laugh reminds me a bit of my Maybelle."

The smile fell from my lips at the sorrow in his voice. He had mentioned her once before in passing on the night I met him, but not since.

"How did you lose her, Tom?"

"Influenza five years back. First our son, then her. A week between them. I think she just couldn't bear to let him go on alone."

It reminded me of my Mama and her baby. The pain in his voice was raw enough to make my eyes sting and wordlessly, I put my hand on his arm and we sat in heavy, but companionable, silence for a moment.

A softly accented voice interrupted the quiet. "Louise, you ain't supposed to make the men sad, Sugar! Goodness, Mr. Tom, buy me a drink and I'll get you laughing in no time!"

I looked around Tom to see Angel, who seemed to me to be anything but, on the barstool at Thomas' other side. She looked the part of the fallen dove, blond curls and wide blue eyes, full lips and the body type to go with them...the kind of girl the boys would have made fools of themselves over.

I found her small-minded, inexplicably jealous of me, and mean-spirited where I was concerned. I did my best to ignore her. The other girls were friendly, if a bit cautious of me. Angel had a problem that I supposed sooner or later we would need to air out.

"What do ya say, Darlin? Louise here has been hogging you all week. I can put a smile back on your face! Buy me a drink?"

I sighed and prepared to relinquish my seat, not in the mood for conflict, but Thomas, bless him, reached over and put his arm around my shoulders, stilling me.

"Appreciate that, Angel. But I am enjoying talking to Louise right now."

I saw her blush of embarrassment and anger and the flash of her eyes. "Well. I guess sleeping with a buncha boys pays off, even if-"

Billy appeared then from out of nowhere. "I think you got somewhere else to be Angel." He said it lightly, but there was a current of steel there. Angel, with a glare that could have killed me, stalked off.

"Sorry Tom, Louise," Billy murmured and drifted on down the bar where a moment later I saw him giving a talking-to to Angel.

"She shouldn't have said that about the boys," Tom said in a low voice, sensing my discomfort.

"It isn't true," I whispered, embarrassed. "I didn't...It wasn't...I-"

"Honey, you don't gotta explain yourself to no one. For what it's worth, though, I never would have thought you had...Looks like that girl is jealous of you."

I eyed her. She was voluptuous, beautiful, feminine in a way I would never be. "I can't imagine why."

"I'll tell you why. Cause you're a woman and she's just a girl."

"She's older than I am," I protested.

"Age ain't got nothing to do with it. Maybe because you are used to working around men, you don't know the difference between the two. But any man worth his salt does. She will never understand why a man would prefer a woman instead of a girl. My Maybelle was a woman. So are you. Don't let girls like that make you forget it."

* * *

Tom left me with a hug and I went on to work the rest of the room, ending up at a card table with four young men who were about my age. They reminded me of the boys and I let them deal me into the game when they asked me to sit down.

A few hands later, they all groaned and sat back.

"She's cheating. Only explanation for it." One of the boys said with mock dismay as I raked in my markers. Their good natured laughter rang to the rafters, above the music and other chatter.

I giggled. "Are you boys really this bad at poker or are you letting me win? Surely you got to be letting me win?"

"Give her the cards, for Christ's sake, and let her deal. It's just embarrassing to lose to her again," one of them groaned. "She is toying with us."

"Last hand, winner take all. Prize is a kiss from Louise," Another one decided.

"Whoa boys," I said, suddenly uneasy, and glanced over to Atticus, in his usual position at the end of the bar.

"On the cheek?" he clarified with a grin and a shrug, "Unless it's me, then you are free to kiss me where ever you feel inclined..."

I felt a blush heat my cheeks but laughed at his confidence. "All right. On the cheek."

I dealt the game and watched them play through the hand and laughed as the one who had called for the kiss celebrated his win by jumping up from his chair and grabbing me out of mine, lifting me into his arms and spinning me around and around until I felt slightly dizzy.

"Pay up, darling," he announced still holding me to him, off my feet. He presented his cheek.

I laughed again, his joy and excitement catching me up in the moment. He was handsome, young, and seemed genuinely thrilled to have won a kiss from me.

With the cheers of his friends in my ears, I put both hands against his cheeks and kissed him quickly on the lips.

He yelped in surprise and joy and gave me a bear hug, setting me down suddenly and leaving me feeling slightly dizzy and off balance as he turned for the congratulations of his friends.

I was watching him with a smile, when it seemed like I felt a rush of cold air swirl around my bare shoulders.

I turned my face suddenly toward the door as if someone had called my name, the smile still on my lips.

Kid was standing there, frozen, without a drop of color in his face.


	15. Chapter 14: Unforgivable

Chapter 14: Unforgivable

Kid couldn't believe his eyes, in exactly the same way he hadn't been able to believe his ears when Teaspoon had told him that Lou was working in the saloon.

With their urgent demands for him to slow down in his wake, he had jumped on Katy bareback and pointed her toward town. Minutes later, he was standing in the saloon doorway watching as a man picked Lou up, twirled her around, and instead of being rewarded for his trouble with her fury or fists, was given a sound kiss on the lips and her laughter.

The dress was red this time, trimmed in black lace. The corseted top pushed her small breasts up high so that they were swelling over the top of the black lace ruffles at the low neckline, and Kid felt his cheeks heat with embarrassment when he recognized how his eyes had hesitated there, at the surge of lust he felt.

He realized other men would look at her the same way, other men who knew nothing about her sweet spirit and courage. The full skirts came just past her knees, and he, and everyone else, had glimpsed black petticoats under the overskirt when she had been swung around by the cowboy at the table. He could see an expanse of her slender, well-defined calves between her hem and lace-up boots. Her hair was twisted up with feathers, dark eyes smudged with something that made them darker, more mysterious, and finely shaped lips carefully painted a vivid crimson. She looked like Temptation and he did not care for it a bit.

Her red lips were smiling when she twisted her long neck as if she sensed him there and met his eyes. The smile stayed frozen there on her lips but her eyes went wider in shock.

Kid felt a rush of air at his elbow, realized Jimmy and Noah had come after him and made a grab for his arm, missing him as he surged forward with purpose.

There was a roaring in his ears as he strode toward her, through the crowded press of bodies. She stood rooted and watched his onslaught with uncharacteristic stillness.

He was rarely quick to anger, had made a point early on in life to not be like his father, whose temper had made all who were forced to cross his path suffer. Now, he was almost blind with rage. If he had stopped to reason, he might have realized it was Lou he was furious at, for choosing this life over what he had offered her. But as he moved forward, his anger increasingly centered on the man that had touched her so casually. She meant nothing to that man, and at one time, she had been everything to him.

"Kid!" Lou called, distressed as he stepped around her and pulled the man back by the shoulder, away from his three friends.

* * *

Lou was right behind Kid, so that when Kid pulled back to hit the other man, his shoulder bumped Lou hard enough to send her reeling. Kid didn't seem to notice that as he took a swing at the surprised cowboy.

Jimmy was relieved that Noah, a step ahead of him, was quick enough to catch Lou under her arm or she would have crashed to the floor. Cursing at Kid's carelessness, Noah passed a still unbalanced Lou into Jimmy's arms and continued forward.

Lou fought his hold on her arms, trying to get back to where Kid's first swing had landed and he'd received an answering blow to the mouth.

"Stop it, Lou!" Jimmy scolded her as she struggled. He shook her slightly to get her attention. "You stay back. I will get him, but you gotta promise me to keep back first."

Biting her lip, she nodded and held up her hands to indicate surrender, stepping aside as Jimmy stepped past her.

Kid had, probably rightly so, been jumped on by all four men from the table and Jimmy and Noah had to pull three of them off before they could reach him at the bottom of the pile.

The friends of the man Kid had hit prepared to square off against Jimmy and Noah, who quickly let it be known they wanted no part of the fight.

"We're just here to get this fool and make sure he don't do anything else stupid," Noah supplied, holding Kid back by both arms as he twisted and cursed. Jimmy offered a hand to the man on the floor, relieved when he took it.

* * *

Seeing the fight had halted, though both sides seemed drawn overly tight with tension, and that Billy and Atticus both were heading in our direction, Billy with a wooden club and Atticus with his big, bare hands, I quickly pushed forward.

I gave Kid a look that I hoped would freeze him in his place, but went right by him to stand before the cowboy he hit. I reached up to gently take his chin, turning it so I could inspect the damage. It seemed Kid's first blow had been a glancing one off his cheek and he didn't seem too badly hurt.

"Come on, let me buy you a drink."

And with another pointed glare at Kid, bleeding from his nose and mouth, I held the man's arm and steered him toward the bar, past Kid, Noah, and Jimmy, intercepting Billy and Atticus.

"It's done. A misunderstanding," I growled, still enraged, and they both stepped out of my warpath and glanced over to see both parties slowly distancing themselves from the other on the floor.

I bought the man, whose name I finally learned was Matthew, a drink, and stewed over the cut to my wages that doing so caused. When he seemed placated and unlikely to call Kid out, I motioned his friends over, apologized to them, and suggested they see him home safe.

I turned to watch them go with a shaky sigh, somewhat surprised to see Kid pushing up from a table when I was alone. Jimmy and Noah, flanking him, cautiously followed a step behind him as he walked toward me.

"Louise?" Billy asked warily from behind me at the bar as Kid approached.

"It's fine," I growled. "His friends have better sense than he does."

"Watch yourself, " Billy warned Kid when he stopped before me.

In Kid's eyes I read pain, fury, confusion, and maybe a bit of regret. For my part, I was still seeing red.

"What the hell was that?" I spat, motioning with a jerk of my arm toward the table where he had started a brawl for absolutely no reason.

"He was taking liberties with you!" Kid protested.

"The only thing he was taking was the kiss I promised if he won in good fun, which is all that was!" I snapped.

"Fun! It ain't right of him to be touching you at all, much less-"

I interrupted him, "Who the hell do you think you are to be deciding who can or can not touch me?"

"Didn't you learn your lesson last time you played this game?" Kid growled.

"Kid," Jimmy interrupted in a low voice, putting a hand on Kid's shoulder.

Kid violently shook him off as I stepped closer to Kid, my face inches from his so that the whole saloon wouldn't hear me.

"This isn't a game, Kid. This is my life! And it's none of your damned business who I touch, you got it?"

Kid shook his head and shrugged out of his coat.

I stood and watched him dumbly as he settled it around my shoulders and took my arm. "Come on, we can discuss other options for you at home."

I was shocked enough to stumble a step after him before planting my feet and jerking my arm back.

"You ain't gotta do this, Lou…" Kid said quietly but with determination. "Come on, now." He took hold of my arm again, holding on when I tried to shake him off.

"Let go of me!" I said, louder than I meant and with a slight fear edging in my voice. I didn't care who was doing it, I didn't like being held against my will, and the old panic closed its fist around my heart.

"Kid," Noah warned at the same time Jimmy knocked Kid's arm away from me.

"You need to go home and leave her be. This ain't the time or the place," Jimmy told Kid.

"I'll go when she goes," Kid insisted, and like a dog with a bone, reached for me again.

"Don't touch me!" I grated out before his fingers touched me, surprised by the shrill sound of my own voice. Kid paused, surprised by my fear and for a minute I hoped he would come to his senses.

Angel, appeared out of nowhere, winding her arm around Kid's, pressing herself along his length. "You can touch me anytime...and anywhere...you like, Darling. No need wasting your time on that one…"

Atticus' shadow fell over me as I watched Kid glance at Angel, distracted and confused by her appearance. "Trouble, Louise?"

Kid ignored Atticus and Angel as he met my eyes and echoed her words evenly, "No...I guess there is no need to waste any more time on this one."

"Want me to throw him out?" Atticus asked me as my heart skipped a beat at the cruelty in Kid's tone, it felt like a slap.

"No need," a new voice interrupted, and I sighed with relief to see Teaspoon standing behind the boys, realizing he had witnessed Kid's behavior. He put a firm hand on Kid's shoulder. "He's coming with me. C'mon Kid. Time for you to get outta here. You ought to be ashamed at your behavior."

"I ain't the one who oughta be ashamed," Kid muttered and with a long last look at me, shrugged off Teaspoon's and Angel's holds and turned to walk out of the saloon.

I watched Teaspoon and Jimmy exchange a meaningful glance before he followed Kid, tipping his hat to Atticus and Billy. Jimmy murmured to Noah to go on, and I realized the whole saloon was now watching the scene.

With a blush staining my cheeks, I ripped Kid's jacket from my shoulders and threw it on the floor. With a warning glance at Jimmy to leave me be, I spun, seized a tray from the bar after a reassuring nod from Billy, and plastered a smile on my face.

* * *

Jimmy had settled himself on a barstool and was making a neat row of empty sarsaparilla bottles in front of him. It had been a few hours since the scene with Kid, but I was still angry about it and had not spoken to Jimmy.

Now, the activity was slowing down. The drinkers were too far gone for my taste and the games at the tables required the attention of the players as stakes had ratcheted up over the evening. I cleared the tables of empty glasses and Billy took my tray from me.

"You ain't stopped in three hours. Get off your feet a bit, talk to that Hickok boy a minute."

I took a deep breath. My feet were in agony though I had not noticed until the suggestion of relief was made.

"I'm sorry about the trouble tonight, Billy."

"Can't see that you did anything wrong, Sweetheart. And don't worry. You ain't the first girl around here a man has tried to stake his sole claim on...won't be the last."

I was relieved he wasn't angry at me and he smiled. "You're doing a good job here, Louise. I am happy to have ya and hope to keep you as long as you care to stay. Now, go talk to your friend. You'll feel better for it."

I slid onto the barstool next to Jimmy and without looking at him growled, " _Don't._ "

He raised his eyebrow and looked at me sideways. " _Wasn't gonna_. Want a sarsaparilla? I'm buying."

"Yeah," I said with a sigh of relief and watched as Billy sat the cold drink in front of me. I was tired of fake whiskey and forced conversation.

"So, anything interesting happen at work today?" Jimmy asked after we sat quietly for a minute.

Despite myself, I burst out into laughter and leaned my head against Jimmy's shoulder.

I was tired, left my head there. He didn't seem to mind.

"You really ain't gonna lecture me about how I shouldn't be doing this job?" I asked, suspicious.

He shrugged the shoulder under my ear. "Told you in Willow Creek I thought you missed your calling." He glanced down at me and smiled. "You seem better than you have in awhile Lou. Happier maybe. More like yourself. Looked like you was enjoying yourself at times tonight, when you forgot to be mad at Kid for a minute."

I sighed, shrugged. "I don't know why, but I do feel better."

"That's all that matters, then."

"I fought it for so long...but I think I may be suited to this kinda work."

"You got a good heart and a good ear...you're one of the smartest people I know and you been giving us all sound advice since early days. Most men will respond to that...respect it. And you're something special to look at too. But for what it's worth...I am pretty sure you could do anything you decided pleased you."

I blushed, picked up my head from his shoulder and propped it on my hand instead.

Jimmy continued. "Every time for the last few months...since you and me went to Willow Springs...every time I'd see a lady with a fine dress I would catch myself thinking, 'I bet Lou would like that dress.' And it would make me sad, thinking of you always hiding, always standing in the shadows. I guess...I guess I am happy to see you standing in the light for a change." He paused and I was quiet. It was quite a speech from Jimmy. "But I'm sorry for what you gave up to do it."

I felt the pain I always did when I thought of the Express. I nodded, my throat tight. "Me too," I finally managed. "Jimmy...what happened with Danny. Did you kill him or did Kid?"

He sighed. "He lit out Lou. We don't know where to, and we couldn't find him. The company...they did go to fire him. But he was already gone. But Lou, I'm worried he'll come back to cause you more trouble."

"Probably so." I closed my eyes. "Jimmy...how could you go after him against my wishes? I'd expect it of Kid, but you? I was so mad at you two!"

Jimmy squirmed. "Because, Lou...no one gets to hurt you, try to shame you, and walk away. It's as simple as that for me. For Kid too."

"I don't want either of you spilling more blood for me. Boggs, Lambert, Hopkins, Pike…I am in enough debt to you both. I want you to promise me you won't kill Danny over me."

"Sorry Lou, but I can't give you my word on that."

I glared at him. "You know I can take care of myself. And of Danny."

Jimmy patted my leg. "Counting on it. You got your gun?"

I nodded. "In my bag behind the bar."

"Good. How much longer till you are off work?"

I glanced at the clock. "Half-hour. But you should feel free to go on if you are tired…"

"Uh-uh. Teaspoon left me here to bring you home, Lou. You promised them you'd be escorted on late nights."

I nodded. He was right. Teaspoon or, if he couldn't be there, one of the boys had been sitting out on the steps waiting each night when I got done to see me back to Rachel's. I had promised to send word for them if I finished early rather than go by myself at the late hour. "All right. I'll be done in a bit."

"I'll be here."

* * *

I declined Jimmy's offer to go get the buckboard and instead let him help me onto Sundance and then waited as he swung up behind me. I had a wrap for my shoulders, but the night was cold enough that I was glad of his arms around me as he held the reins and for his solid warmth at my back.

"First time I been on a horse since…" I had been going to say Kearney but my voice trailed off as I realized I did not want to say the rest aloud... _since I got knocked off and beaten near to death._

"Feel alright? Your ribs hurt?"

"My ribs are fine...my feet on the other hand…"

He laughed softly by my ear and I shivered at the warmth of his breath there. "I think you traveled more miles tonight than you ever did on a run."

I laughed too. "Me too. Feels good, being up here again."

"Ain't no reason you should give it up. When you got a day off?"

"Day after tomorrow," I murmured.

"I ought to be back from my run by then. Why don't we go riding that afternoon?"

The suggestion brought me joy and I nodded.

At the station, Jimmy started toward the house to let me down, but I protested. "I ain't tired just yet. I'll come with you to tend the horse if you don't mind. Been meaning to visit Lightning."

He obligingly changed directions and helped me down in the dimly lit stable.

I brought Lightning into the hallway and we both brushed our horses in comfortable quiet. He had put Sundance in his stall and was in the feed room when the door to the barn slid open far enough to accommodate Kid.

He looked worse for the wear. He had a black eye and a split lip, and his hair was standing up at all angles like he had been running his hands through it all night. I knew he did that when he was troubled.

I felt bad for him for half a second until I remembered him trying to pull me out of the saloon like I was a petulant child.

I took a long look at him and deliberately turned my back and started brushing Lightning again, probably more vigorously than was strictly necessary.

"Lou, we gotta talk."

I glared at him and gestured around the deserted aisle of the barn. "Less of an audience than you're used to ain't it?"

"Lou, I-"

"How _could_ you! How could you embarrass me like that!" I interrupted him.

I saw the flash of his eyes then. " _Me_ embarrass _you_? The way you were dressed and carrying on with that man, you were doing a fine job embarrassing yourself!"

"I was doing my job!" I growled. "No one had a problem with what happened tonight except you!"

"Maybe because I was the only one in that room who didn't think you were a _whore_!"

I stepped back, stung.

At that moment, Jimmy erupted from the feed room and hit Kid, pushing him all the way to the opposite wall of the stable and pinning him there with his arm.

"You ain't gonna speak to her like that!" Jimmy growled in Kid's face.

I quickly stepped forward, not wanting an all-out brawl to develop in the barn the way it had in the saloon.

"It's alright, Jimmy. We got a problem needs airing out."

"It _ain't_ alright!" Jimmy said, pushing Kid again.

" _Jimmy_!" I snapped.

He hesitated and looked back at me, sighing and nodding, backing off from Kid.

"You want me to go?" Jimmy asked, watching Kid.

I shook my head and stepped around him to stand before Kid. He was breathing heavily, still leaning against the door in defeat. He looked as miserable as I felt.

"A _whore_? Of all people say that to me..." I whispered when I trusted my voice, the memory of what we had been in sharp contrast to what we were now.

"What am I supposed to think, Lou? I saw how you were with Lambert that night...luring him up to your room…God...you were so good at it I almost convinced myself you'd done it before...that you really wanted him..." Kid murmured.

"Lambert made me sick! I did that to save your life!" I defended myself and Jimmy made a disapproving growl at Kid's words but remained still...though I sensed it cost him.

"I told myself that's why you were so convincing...but then I watched you tonight with those men...and now I don't know what to think…you're _damn_ good at acting that way, Lou. Maybe the real act was the innocent one you put on with me!"

I put my arm out to block him when Jimmy started around me.

"What did I do that was so awful tonight?" I asked. "What did I do to deserve this from you?"

"You let a strange man kiss you in front of that whole place! He had his hands all over you!"

"For God's sake Kid, I'd kiss Lightning the same way! It was nothing!"

"It ain't how a lady behaves. Where I was brought up…"

" _I wasn't brought up where you were brought up damn it!_ " I shouted, tears starting in my eyes. "I wish my life had been different...Wish I had the education to be a school teacher like that one you was wanting to duel proper over...but I don't! It ain't me Kid! It ain't never gonna be me!"

I saw him hesitate, realized I had inadvertently given away my knowledge, and jealousy, of what had happened with the school teacher. I could see his wall of defensiveness rising, turning his eyes colder.

"You're the one that refused my proposal, so you ain't got no call getting mad over Samantha. Besides...ain't like you're innocent in the matter of moving on quick. Don't you act like nothin' happened on your ride with Jimmy to Willow Springs!" Kid's voice was growing louder by the word. "Anyone with eyes could see something happened between you two on that ride...if not _before_!"

Jimmy surged forward with fists ready, but I wrapped both hands around his arm when he would have swung, and without disentangling me, he was at a loss.

"Are you suggesting I wasn't true to you, Kid? Is that what you think? You know, something _did_ happen in Willow Springs! Jimmy saved my life, you bastard! After he helped me pick up the pieces of the heart you broke!" My voice trembled wildly. I had rarely been so mad.

Kid was livid too, angrier than I had ever seen him. "And we all know how you like to express your gratitude...with a kiss, maybe a _dance or tw-..._ "

I couldn't hold Jimmy any longer, he shrugged me off and hit Kid hard below the chin and then again in the stomach. Kid was angry enough at me and apparently Jimmy also to turn on Jimmy and before I knew it, they were rolling on the dirt, trying in earnest to kill each other.

I yelled at them to stop, but they were deafened with rage. I was relieved when Teaspoon streaked past me, followed soon by the other boys. Ike put an arm around my shoulder and backed me away from the melee of limbs as they broke them apart.

"Get him outta here!" Teaspoon yelled when Cody and Noah had Kid up and secured. Teaspoon had a hand on Jimmy's chest but Jimmy looked less inclined to charge again.

As the boys broke up the fight, I felt my control start to break and the words Kid had said bottomed out my stomach, as hollowing as a blow. Holding my arm against the physical pain of the ugliness we had hurled at each other, I wordlessly turned away, untied Lightning, and led him toward his stall.

Once in the darkness and relative privacy of his box, I flung my arms around his neck and sobbed into his mane.

* * *

A/N: I love your sweet reviews and the speculation about Jimmy vs. Kid. It was one of the best questions of the whole series for me. I got stuck a little bit with how to get to where I wanted to go last chapter, and struggled over it for days, but this chapter just fell out of me in about a day, so I thought I would post it.

Now, Kid lovers, don't get too mad at me here. I have the misfortune to be someone who has said, and heard, regretful things in the heat of the moment. If there was ever anything to push Kid to this point, I think it might be what Lou has decided to do for a living these days. This story is still telling me where it wants to go-and has taken some turns that surprised me! Thanks for coming along! I missed these characters more than I knew!


	16. Chapter 15: Unguarded

Chapter 15: Unguarded

The others gave him a wide berth, unsure as to what had started the fight between him and Kid, but correctly assuming it was to do with Lou. Jimmy muttered about feeding his horse and hung back as they left the stable.

They all thought Lou had put her horse up and gone to the house, but Jimmy hadn't seen her leave. He had, from long habit of studying her, realized she was close to tears as she walked away.

He regretted charging Kid, though God knows the fool had deserved it; he knew it would only hurt Lou more to feel she was coming between them. He just hadn't been able to stand the way Lou had seemed to be closing in on herself as she stood and listened to him chasten her, insult her.

He had glimpsed her too when he had arrived at the saloon, being swung about in the arms of the stranger. Had seen something different than Kid had. She had, for a moment, had her head thrown back with a genuine smile on her face. She had been happy in that moment. He hadn't seen her truly happy since she and Kid had parted ways.

Hell, he didn't blame Kid for wanting to throw his coat over her and drag her out of there. He wasn't crazy about the idea of other men looking at her and thinking the sorts of things he knew would float through his mind when he tried to sleep. He was sick over what could happen to her if a situation should get out of hand. But damn it, she had a right to make her way. And the way she had chosen had been taken from her.

By Danny.

The accusation that Lou had been unfaithful to Kid with him had hit him hard. Jimmy had never told Lou about Kid's jealousy where he was concerned; it had reached a boiling point as things began unraveling between them. Lou had never made a misstep; he thought it unlikely that she would ever be untrue to anyone she had loyalty towards. Jimmy, though, knew he had been guilty of thinking of her as more than a friend since, oddly, she had draped her arm around his shoulder and asked him to buy her a drink when they had gone after Lambert. The nerve she had shown those days in exposing the corrupt...and murdering...lawman had increased his respect for her tenfold.

He had wanted to kill Lambert himself, but not out of concern for Kid. He had wanted to do it for her suffering at his hands.

"Damn it," Jimmy growled, scrubbing his hands over his face. Things had gotten difficult where Lou was concerned all around.

He walked down the aisle, found Lou crying on her horse. Difficult or not, he couldn't stand to see her in pain.

Quietly, he unlatched the door and stepped in the stall. He gently put his hand around the one she had curled in Lightning's mane, peeled her off the horse and folded her into his arms.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, voice thick at her heartbreak. She lay her head against his chest, hands half-curled there too. He put a hand gently to the nape of her neck, holding her to him as she cried.

* * *

Teaspoon stood on the bunkhouse porch while Kid paced off his anger below.

"You're gonna wear a canyon right here in the yard if you don't cut that out," Teaspoon observed.

Kid gave him an annoyed look and then said, "Why don't you just go ahead and yell at me. Get it over with."

"God knows you deserve it. You made an ass of yourself at least twice tonight I know of...and if you believe talk of when you first got to the saloon, three times...but I thought it might get us further along if I just asked why."

"You know why! You've seen her in that ridiculous dress! How could you let her take that job?"

"She ain't doing anything illegal, Kid...despite how you been actin'. Not like I can lock her up, even if I wanted to...and I don't want to."

"Just cause it's legal don't make it right!" Kid growled.

"Kid, you do understand that Lou ain't being paid to lie with men...you know the difference between a whore and a saloon girl don't you?"

"Ain't much difference far as I can tell," Kid snapped. "Leastways not in how she is dressing or acting."

Teaspoon watched him through narrowed eyes, deciding which approach to take. He opted for a roundabout one, knowing the boy on the dirt needed to calm down in stages or he wouldn't hear a thing over his righteous indignation.

"You know, I asked around about jobs for Lou after she was let go and I knew she was gonna be too proud to let us help her. Whole town heard she was a girl in about five minutes of Bollinger firing her. Had a lot of people felt free to comment right to my face on how they'd never lower themselves to hire a young, single woman living unsupervised among young men for so long. Imagine what they mighta said if they had known 'bout you two…" he added with a hard look at Kid. Kid's cheeks reddened, but Teaspoon continued, "I was persistent, though, and I found two jobs for her. First one was at the laundry. Know how much that paid?"

Kid set his jaw, refusing to answer.

"Three dollars a week for nine hours a day, seven days a week on her feet and sticking her hands in boiling water, washing other people's dirty effects. Lugging big pots of water around all day. Course it'd be outdoors in the tents no matter the weather. Backbreaking work for anyone, but Lou's delicate, even though she wouldn't admit it. Kid, would you do that kinda work for $3 a week?"

Still Kid was silent.

"The other job was housekeeping for old Mr. Farrow who runs the land office. He was willing to pay $5 a week...which seemed promising...but he was overly interested in Lou's physical attributes...namely how she filled out her dresses. See, his last housekeeper had to quit after she got herself with child...poor thing wasn't married...but Mr. Farrow's putting her up till the child's born, which sounds real generous till you realize it's _his_ child. He was pretty excited at the prospect of Lou coming to work for him…his wife less so..."

Kid dropped his head, massaged his neck with his hand as he glared at the dirt. But he was listening at least, Teaspoon noted.

"I talked to Billy at the saloon...after she told me she took the job. I known Billy awhile. Wanted to be sure he was compensating her fairly. She gets paid a fair wage. She is warm and dry. Heaviest thing she has to lift is a tray. If anyone makes a wrong move toward her, as you might have noticed tonight if you weren't being so bullheaded, ain't no shortage of people to come to her aid. I seen this with my own eyes whenever I stop in to check on her, the men there treat her with quite a bit of respect. Which is a helluva lot more than can be said for how _you_ treated her tonight."

Kid met Teaspoon's eyes, had the grace to look abashed.

"I know, Kid, you was brought up to see the world in black and white, right and wrong. Unfortunately the world is pretty black for a girl with Lou's story and she don't have too many options. I know underneath it all, you are worried about Lou's safety and I understand, cause I am too. But that girl's heart broke when they fired her, and she is holding herself together with both fists right now. And I ain't gonna stand for you trying to tear her down for your own pride. I don't care what history you got together. That ain't your right. I won't stand for it."

With that, Teaspoon turned and left Kid staring after him as he made his way back to the barn.

* * *

Teaspoon sighed as he went to the barn to check on Lou, who as far as he could tell had not come out again.

He felt she was at some major crossroads and he found himself scared to death he was gonna lose her somehow. He hated that she was working at the saloon. He had a feeling it had been extraordinarily difficult for her to find the courage to walk through the doors though. He didn't know much about her past, but he was positive that somehow, somewhere a man, or maybe more than one man, had done her some significant harm.

Billy's saloon was one of the better ones for girls that he had seen, but he knew that mixing men, whiskey, and women, still a scarcity in the West, sooner or later led to trouble and he was wracking his brain to figure out how to get her out of that situation before it happened. He had Billy's word that he would watch out for Lou, but Billy wasn't faster than a bullet, and Billy couldn't watch her every moment any more than he and the boys could, even if Lou would allow it.

He paused in surprise when he walked into the stable. Jimmy was walking down the aisle with Lou, his arm around her shoulders.

Jimmy led her up to where Teaspoon was standing and Teaspoon's heart lurched to see the evidence of her pain in the smudged darkness under her eyes.

"Sweetheart, I am sorry about what happened tonight. I suspect when his pride wears off, Kid will be too."

"I guess I knew he wouldn't take it well...I just didn't expect…" her voice trailed off and she looked at the floor of the stable.

"He was out of line, Lou. Had no right talking to you like that." Jimmy muttered, fire still in his eyes.

Teaspoon watched Jimmy a minute, nearly as worried about him as Lou. The boy fell fast and hard and he didn't think Lou was ready to feel that way about anyone and might not be for some time after what had happened with Kid, and now with this new trouble she had with Danny.

He also understood better than most the war inside Hickok that rose up whenever he started to care for someone enough to worry about making them a target for the shadows that always stalked him.

"Why don't you get some rest, Lou? Things will look better in the mornin." Teaspoon finally murmured, not sure what words of comfort to give her.

She was pale when she nodded.

"I'll walk with you to the house," Jimmy volunteered.

Once out of the barn, Jimmy murmured, "Lou, you got me worried. You are too quiet."

"I'm alright, Jimmy. Just...sad."

Jimmy inwardly cursed his fool of a friend for making her hurt. Out loud he said, "Teaspoon is right. Kid's pride was talking. He didn't mean nothing he said."

Lou looked up at him with a look that meant she heard how empty his words were. "Yeah he did mean it and you know it."

"He is a fool then," Jimmy asserted, following Lou up the porch steps though he had intended to leave her there.

"He may be a fool...but he wasn't wrong, Jimmy. Not about everything…"

Jimmy's heart was suddenly in his throat. Did she mean Kid wasn't wrong about Jimmy having feelings for Lou or her for him?

"What do you mean he wasn't wrong?" he finally asked when he trusted his voice.

"He wasn't wrong about me...about how I act...how I ain't as innocent as I let him think."

"Lou, damn it, I ain't gonna let you talk about yourself that way no more than Kid!"

"Jimmy, it's the truth."

"What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Me. My past. Jimmy, I got a lot more experience with how whores behave than proper ladies."

Jimmy's heart stuttered. Of all the things he expected Lou to say, that had been among the last.

"Lou, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking bout what Kid said about me being convincing with Lambert. He was right."

"Lou...I'm ain't following…"

"I worked in a whore house for over a year, Jimmy."

Her eyes were huge in the low light of the porch lanterns, dark pools that were fathoms deep with secrets and pain. Jimmy drew in a jagged breath, but locked down his features before he could react the way he was inclined to, which was in dismal shock. _No,_ his brain urged his mouth to say aloud, _there's no way, Lou, no way you sold your beautiful soul for any price. You couldn't. Wouldn't do that._

He felt heartsick at the thought. But she didn't need or deserve his judgment. She deserved his friendship. Had it and then some.

"Wanna talk about it?" he finally said in a calm voice.

She nodded. Turned and stepped into the house and led him through the darkened rooms to the kitchen, where she motioned him to sit at the table. He said nothing while she turned her back and set to making him tea. He didn't want it, had to clench his teeth to keep demands for an explanation at bay. He sensed she had surprised herself by her admission to him and was now struggling with how to tell him what she hadn't really intended him to know in the first place.

"You ain't gotta talk about it," he finally ventured to her back.

She tensed, hands pausing over her task. Then he watched as she squared her shoulders and gathered herself. She turned around with a cup of tea in each hand and sat across from him at the small kitchen table.

Once there, she hesitated again, adding cream to her tea with great purpose. Jimmy studied the raccoon-like smudges under her eyes and quietly got up, finding a clean cloth and wetting it with a bit of warm water from the pot on the stove. He then came back to crouch before her, and gently brought the warm cloth under her eye, where her salty tears had scalded the sensitive skin beneath the black smudges.

She sat quietly and let him wipe the darkness away, then took the cloth from him and removed the rest of the paint on her eyes and lips.

She looked much more herself when she was done and Jimmy patted her cheek and then stood and backed into his chair again.

Taking a shaky breath, she began speaking of things he wasn't sure he had any business, or enough strength, to be hearing.

* * *

A/N: I paid for that extra last chapter coming so easily with about a week of no idea how to get where I needed to go next! Now I'm back on track.


	17. Chapter 16: Unburdened

Chapter 16: Unburdened

"I...I hated the orphanage. Hated everything about it. The nuns weren't unkind, but they were, um...disapproving? They wanted to change everything about me...how I spoke, how I looked, how I acted. Even my thoughts, which I never felt no one else had any right to, including them. I never was like the other girls...and me being different meant the girls weren't very nice to me, and the boys, hoping to impress those girls, weren't very nice to me neither. I was ready to leave from the second they closed the door behind me. I couldn't breathe in that place."

"I'm so sorry, Lou" Jimmy murmured, and I nodded in thanks for his sympathy. He looked as heartsick as I felt.

"I loved my Mama so much. She was the prettiest, finest, sweetest person I imagine ever lived. She got us away from my father, risked her life to do it, and she was my whole world. We were on the run from the law when we were with my father, then on the run from him once she left. She was the constant. I could never figure out how my father could hate her so much. The more she tried to be what he seemed to want her to be, the more he resented her, belittled her...hurt her."

I stopped, swallowing hard. "I didn't know till after she died that she had been an orphan...and then a, well, prostitute before my father married her. When I think of some of the things he used to say to her...I guess it makes sense why it hurt her so much…"

Kid's last words to me ran through my mind and I felt my chest tighten with pain. I paused, looking at my cup of tea for a minute and then raising my eyes to Jimmy. He was listening to me intently, concern on his features. But no judgement. Not yet. I wondered how long before he recoiled in distaste, like Kid had.

"There was a boy at the orphanage. Bigger than the other boys...meaner too. A couple years older than me. I...I pulled him off a smaller boy he was after one day in the yard. I was scared he'd kill that boy…and no one else was helping him."

"Sounds like you," Jimmy said kindly, and when I glanced at him, he gave me a soft smile that I tried to return, but my lips trembled.

"He had it in for me after that. Wanted to hurt me...but more than that to humiliate me. Started talking about how he had...how I had...well, lain with him." I felt the heat in my cheeks, couldn't look at Jimmy. "It was a lie...but of course that other boys believed him and he made it his mission to make it true…he made my life in those walls Hell for about a month."

"Christ, Lou...he didn't did he?" he sounded strangled with rage.

I shook my head, still not able to look at him. "He tried a few times, but...what is it Teaspoon called me? Puny but spry? I fought him off or got away. Still, it was only a matter of time before he was gonna get what he wanted…and we both knew it."

"You couldn't tell the nuns?"

I shrugged. "I wonder now that I didn't...but I had heard how people talked about my Mama and I figured I was like her, that somehow it was my fault he was thinking of me like that, that the nuns would figure it was my behavior causing it..."

"It wasn't!" Jimmy hissed with conviction and his big hand entered my downcast field of vision as it covered mine and squeezed.

I suddenly realized my first reaction to Danny had been exactly the same...fear to tell anyone, doubt that they could or would help. The same interwoven patterns of behavior and guilt, binding me again and again.

I half-smiled at Jimmy's vehemence. "I know that now...but then...I wasn't used to having anyone on my side. Turned out he got into the girls' floor one night. I woke up with him on top of me and his hands around my throat. I had a heavy glass for water at my bedside and managed to knock him in the head with it. Hard. Sounded like a melon hitting the ground. I don't rightly know if I killed him or just knocked him out...and I didn't really care, but I knew either way I had to get out of there. I ran away that same night."

"He didn't?"

I shook my head.

Jimmy sighed in relief and then withdrew his hand slowly from mine, respecting my space.

"It was the dead of winter, and the worst I can remember. I just about died. I was too shy to speak to most anybody, had no real skills and no one to speak for me...and there weren't many places looking to hire a little mousy girl like I was. I could work for my dinner now and then, but I was hungry more than not. I would sleep in the stables in town. I liked the horses, you know…" I smiled without humor at Jimmy, but he didn't smile back. "I was maybe a week or two from starving to death...if the cold didn't get me first...when a man found me sleeping at his horse's feet. He could've had me arrested I guess...or taken back to the orphanage...and in hindsight I wish he had...but instead he offered me a job."

Jimmy's shaky intake of air startled me out of my story. I saw the pain in his eyes and realized my earlier words had misled him a bit.

"The job was _in_ a whorehouse, but I didn't...I wasn't there for the men...I was only 13. Still too young even by their loose standards for whoring. I did laundry there…at first I didn't even realize what happened in the house...till the owner told me it was time to stop being such a silly little girl and to start growing up...and he took me to a room where, well, where the ladies were working. Then I certainly knew where I was."

I closed my eyes, my cheeks flushed with the same shame in the retelling as they had standing in that room. I'd never forgotten the sight of the men in chairs on either side of the room nor the ladies kneeling before them. One of the men had watched me, standing in agony of embarrassment and unsure of where to look and barked with laughter.

 _A little young, ain't she Wicks? Still in braids!_

 _In training,_ Wicks had said briefly, and I had foolishly assumed he meant training to do the laundry.

Jimmy exhaled, scrubbed a hand over his face. "Thirteen...Lou."

I nodded. "The owner was a hard man...cruel to his girls, but not really to me...not at first. He left me alone for the most part, and I had food, a little room of my own, and I was warm...He'd occasionally give me a kind word when my path crossed his, which was more than a man had given me in some time. And even when I saw his cruelty to his girls, knew him to be a bad man, I never forgot what it is like to be as cold as I was those first weeks I was in the stables...never forgot how bad it hurt…how long the nights seemed. I always wondered if I would live until morning, and on the worst nights half-hoped I didn't. I know it wasn't right what I was doing, but I just couldn't go back out in the cold again."

"Lou, you ain't gotta defend yourself for staying there...not to me, not to anyone!" Jimmy growled.

"I knew how to read, do some basic figures. It was important to my Mama that I have some learning. I did my best to keep at it, asked to borrow every book I saw in the place. But of course I couldn't go to school...so most the learning I got was from a few old novels and the ladies."

"Most of them were too miserable to spare any happiness or kindness for me, and I was an easy target for their frustration. One of the ladies was different; she kind of took me in, watched over me as good as she could. But, oh, how I watched them. Watched them all day after day, studied how they dressed and spoke and acted when the men were there and when they weren't. I was about the age to be wondering what being a woman was all about, and I had no Ma anymore to show me. And so, they became my teachers, their life my education."

"I thought they were all so beautiful and glamorous and I couldn't think of anything grander than to be as bold and charming as they were, especially considering I could hardly look anyone in the eye without blushing, I was just so shy. And far as I could tell, least in the early days, the men all adored them, treated them so fine...so much more kindly than my father had treated my Mama. I thought maybe if I could be like them...witty, and bold, and coy…maybe someone would treat me kindly one day."

I broke off, cheeks still aflame, and confessed to Jimmy. "I was a fool."

"No...no you weren't. Not then, not ever. You were damn brave, Lou." He growled. "What else could you have done? Besides die?"

I shrugged. "Doesn't matter I guess, because what I did was work in a whorehouse, washing dirty sheets and worse. For about a year. The owner...he had plans for me to become one of his girls, though I didn't know it at the time. My friend...she knew he would and she tried to get me out the door every way she could think of...but I was too scared to be on my own in the cold again…and I still was too stupid to understand what it really meant to be one of the ladies…that it wasn't just flirting and wearing fine dresses."

I could feel Jimmy's stare on me, the unasked questions he had burning the air between us. He held his tongue though, and I was grateful to tell the story in my own way, at my own pace.

I wouldn't tell him how Wicks had raped me, didn't think I could find the words even after everything else I had said.

"I wish I had listened to Charlotte. When I...learned...what it meant to be one of his ladies, I knew I couldn't live that way. I had seen girls try to escape from him before...to run away. He had the money and men to hunt them down. I saw him use hounds once to track a girl through the woods...like the kind they use for runaway slaves, I think. Those dogs nearly ripped her to shreds...scarred her up enough to take her trade away. She ended up hanging herself in her room not much later. He...he made us go look at her hanging there and he told us that was the only way we got to leave him…"

Jimmy shuddered, but I continued in the same dispassionate voice. "I wasn't worth nothing to him, but he would have hunted me down just the same. I was in his debt and he knew how to make me pay...My friend helped me get out when he decided it was time for me to earn my keep another way. As soon as I did, I cut my hair and started dressing like a boy. It was the only way I knew to keep him from dragging me back there…and making me what he'd intended all along…and the only way I knew how to make a living for myself that wasn't dependent on a man's kindness toward me."

Jimmy reached over to take my hand again. "Thank God you got away, Lou."

I met his eyes, then looked back down. "Don't reckon I ever expected to tell anyone all that."

"Don't reckon I ever heard you say that much since I've known you," Jimmy commented and despite myself I smiled and he answered it with a warmer smile in return. It stayed there, playing at the edges of his lips as he shook his head. "Damn it, Lou, but you've got courage in spades."

I was baffled by that. "Everything I done was out of fear."

"Everything you done was to live another day. On your terms."

"Till now," I murmured. "I'm right back where I started."

"It ain't the same," Jimmy protested.

I shook my head. "No, it's not the same...but like Kid pointed out, my education is showing I guess."

"I thought we established that Kid is a fool," Jimmy growled.

I laughed lightly. "He may be...but he was right about my act with Lambert...I was playing a role I had studied for over a year. Came almost natural. So does working at the saloon. It's like a memory, or a play that I know the lines to."

"You ain't hurting nobody, doing what you're doing, and from what I saw you are making a lot of folks' days better by giving them your time. Ain't no shame in it, and you don't owe nothing to noone but yourself, Lou."

"You really are the best friend I got, Jimmy Hickok. Thanks for listening to me rattle on."

"Always been curious about where you come from...you talk about it less than anyone, even Ike." He smiled, and I shrugged, suddenly serious again.

"Ain't a story for polite company, or something that many people could stomach. I...I always felt guilty I never told Kid. I thought about telling him a hundred times, but never found the courage. If I had...well, things would have been a lot different. I think...I think that was one of the things that was between us...the more he wanted me to change, the more I knew he could never forgive my past. I started pushing him away to protect myself as much as to protect him."

"Maybe he deserves more credit, Lou, though his behavior tonight don't suggest it. I don't know. What I do know is the man worthy of you will love you no matter what, past be damned. And if Kid couldn't or can't, he doesn't deserve you."

Tears filled my eyes at those words, though I had told him of the worst time of my life with detached interest and very little emotion. The kindness in the face of all the wrong I admitted to doing took me by surprise.

I opened my mouth to thank him, which seemed insufficient, when Rachel's voice startled me. "What in God's name are you two doing up so early?"

I jumped and whirled in my chair to see her standing in the doorway in her robe, looking sleepy-eyed. It was then I realized the light in the room had shifted around the lamp's glow from black to soft gray.

It was morning.

"I think the better question is 'what in God's name are you two doing still up!'" Jimmy pointed out with a groan. "We lost track of time. I gotta run this afternoon, and you work too, right Lou?"

"To bed with both of you. Jimmy, you can sleep on the sofa a few hours. You ain't gonna get no rest in the bunkhouse with breakfast going on. I will save you both a plate."

Thankful that Rachel wasn't inclined to judge or question why we had sat up all night together, we both left the room quickly so she could start making preparations for breakfast.

Before turning toward the stairs, I stopped and impulsively kissed Jimmy's cheek. Without another word, I went upstairs to sleep as dawn broke through my window, feeling inexplicably lighter than I had in weeks.


	18. Chapter 17: Underneath

Chapter 17: Underneath

Jimmy tried unsuccessfully to work the kink out of his neck as he walked down the steps of Rachel's porch and started across the yard. He had slept hard on the sofa for a few hours but apparently at an odd enough angle to make himself regret it.

Because he did not have a full range of motion, he did not see Kid sitting on the bunkhouse porch until he was almost upon him.

Jimmy startled, taking in the bruises on Kid's face, some of which he had put there. Jimmy wondered briefly if his neck was more to do with fighting Kid than sleeping funny.

Either way, he wasn't in the mood for a confrontation. Kid's eyes were focused with bright fury on him, suggesting he felt otherwise.

Setting his jaw, Jimmy kept moving toward the stairs.

"I see you found other lodgings for the night," Kid called as he started past.

Jimmy stopped cold, fighting his anger and mastering his expression before turning to Kid. "Not sure it's any of your business where I choose to spend my nights."

"For someone so hell-bent on defending Lou's honor, you sure ain't doing her a service."

"Kid I ain't got time nor inclination to play a game with you. Specially not this one," Jimmy growled. "But I promise you, Lou's honor is safe with me."

"I saw you walk in the house with her last night, and just saw you walk back out with my own eyes."

"Kid," Jimmy warned. "I ain't doin' this now."

"What you're doing now is telling her what she wants to hear, that it's fine what she is doing, that I am crazy to think it ain't right for her to be working there. Making me the bad guy. Damn it, Jimmy, do you even care what could happen to Lou in there? She don't understand what kind of danger she could be in...that there might be consequences."

"You can't have it both ways you know, Kid. Either she's completely innocent and has no idea what she is in for or she's what you kept telling he she was last night and knows the risks. I happen to think you are wrong both ways," he snapped. "Stop acting like Lou ain't as smart as any of us. Don't you think she understands better than you the dangers of the job after what she went through?"

"What do you mean 'what she went through'?" Kid asked suddenly and Jimmy's heart stuttered. He was tired, had been thinking out loud about Lou's past.

Jimmy recovered quickly. "I mean, Lambert damn near killed her last time she was in a saloon...she bore the beating, not you. She don't see another way out, even after what happened with Lambert, but she knows, damn it, what the danger is. And me, or you, or anyone harping on it don't help matters one bit. It just hurts her."

Jimmy turned to look at Kid in a long, level glare. Lou had said a lot to him in the kitchen, but there had been plenty unsaid, yet still heard by Jimmy. He couldn't be positive, but he thought he was right in guessing that the brothel owner had taken her virginity, violently, as he prepared to move her into whoring. He was sure that had been how she had learned what the job really was and why she had gone to such drastic measures to make sure it wouldn't happen to her again.

Jimmy felt his stomach lurch thinking of it. The owner would have had to hurt her and badly for Lou to leave her only friend and risk the cold again, to give up her identity and flee the town closest to her brother and sister. Jimmy had heard the desperation in her voice when she spoke of being homeless that first winter, but it had been better in her eyes than staying in the whorehouse.

And Kid foolishly suggesting she didn't understand the danger when she had survived what had happened to her as a young girl had Jimmy's temper simmering at Kid's ignorance.

Suddenly, Jimmy snarled, "Kid, don't you ever call her a whore again."

"I didn't call her a whore!" Kid snapped in response.

"That's how she heard it. How I did too. You hurt her. And if you do it again, I am gonna forget we are friends."

Jimmy left Kid there, speechless, and prepared to gather his things for his run.

* * *

The saloon was relatively quiet, especially after last night's crowd. Saturday nights were always the busiest, according to Isabelle, and Sundays the slowest. I was tired tonight, and glad of the light load. I was also preoccupied; my thoughts circled around Kid and the things he had said, and then back to everything I had told Jimmy.

The unloading of the thoughts and memories that had plagued me since Danny had put his hands on me had left me feeling lighter, but drained and almost sore in my heart, like I'd worked it too hard in recalling those days.

Tom was in and had bought me my usual drink, but seemed to sense I wasn't in the mood for talking. Bless him, he was a man who could endure silence, the way most of the boys, except Cody, could, and he didn't require my conversation. We were comfortable sitting in silence.

There was one rowdy bunch in the corner playing cards, but Angel and Isabelle were both seeing to them, and I was relieved not to be, after I had watched one of them pull Angel into his lap and hold her there. Angel had not put up much resistance, but I didn't like being handled and I would have made a scene. I kept my distance.

I was still at Tom's elbow when I saw Kid walk into the saloon. I must have reacted more than I realized because Tom swiveled to follow my stare.

"Is he trouble for you, sweetheart?" Tom wondered protectively, covering my hand with his.

"Better not be," I muttered as I watched Kid search the room for something, presumably me. He had his hat in his hands and was twirling it nervously between his fingers. He didn't seem ready to pick a fight at least.

His gaze found mine, and I felt the air around me charge the way it always did when I was looking at Kid. I was wary, unsure as to what his motivation was in coming to the saloon. I knew that Atticus and Billy were eyeing him too, ready to intervene if he acted the way he had last night.

Kid dipped his head to me from across the room in greeting, then glanced at Tom, who still had his hand on mine. Kid's eyes were hard as he looked at Tom a moment, but he pressed his lips together in a tight line and then made his way to a table where he sat down with his back to us.

"You know him." Tom said.

I nodded. "He's one of the express riders."

"From that look he just gave me and the one that just passed between you two I would say he is a lot more than that, sweetheart," Tom guessed.

I glanced at Tom. "We...we were more...once."

"That look in his eyes didn't seem like his feelings for you are too far in the past. That boy looks torn up...I think he must still care for you."

I scowled. "Well, if he does, he's got a strange way of showing it. He...he caused a big scene here yesterday after you left...then he said some pretty awful things to me later."

"Probably not easy to see a woman you care about doing this sort of work...flirting with old men like me," Tom said and grinned when I glared at him.

"You ain't gonna lecture me. Not when you buy me a drink every night." I growled.

"Easy Sweetheart," he chuckled. "I would be the last person in the world to hold it against you. I like your company too much."

"Then stop taking his side!" I snapped.

"I'm on Love's side, honey."

"I don't think we got much of that left," I murmured, my stomach bottoming out with the same feeling I always had when I realized how much I missed the time when we had been so happy. It felt impossibly long ago, even though it really wasn't.

The teasing grin on Tom's face was suddenly gone. He slid off his stool, putting a few bills on the bar and kissing my cheek lightly in goodbye.

"What are you doing?" I asked him, baffled.

"Time for me to head home. Go talk to the boy, Louise. Don't be too hard on him. Men are fools when we are in love." He patted my cheek and I watched, still stunned, as he made his way out, tipping his hat to Kid as he went by. Kid straightened in surprise to see him leaving.

With an annoyed sigh, I slid off the stool and walked toward Kid as he turned to look for me.

"Can I get you something?" I asked him as I stood at the table where he sat. I heard the coolness in my own tone, addressed him much less politely than I would a new customer.

"No...I mean, yes. Lou...can we just...can I talk to you a second?"

"I'm working Kid." I said flatly.

"Didn't seem like you was working too hard sitting with that fella," Kid argued, gesturing toward the door Tom had left.

"That fella bought me a drink," I snapped, felt my cheeks heating with anger.

He flinched. Then sighed heavily. "All right. Then I'd like to buy you a drink...what would you like? Whiskey?" He twisted to motion to Billy we would have two drinks.

"Kid! No! You ain't buying me...look it isn't even whiskey...it's just sweetened water they charge you too much for. You can't-" I hissed under my breath.

"I just did. Now will you sit down and talk to me a minute? Please?"

I watched him, furious. He stood and pulled a chair out for me, waiting patiently. I could take it or walk away and cause another scene.

"Please, Lou. I got things to say."

"You've said enough!" I snapped ungraciously, but flung myself into the chair.

He sighed with relief and returned to his chair, the table a neutral space between us. We stared at each other, all the ugliness of the previous night between us like a wall.

Billy arrived and set two drinks in front of us. He met my eyes and raised his eyebrows. "Louise, you are agreeable?" he asked.

I sighed and shrugged. "For now."

Billy turned to Kid. "We're watching you."

"I know. I ain't here to cause any trouble."

"That's what I like to hear." Billy nodded to me again and tipped his head toward Atticus pointedly. I waved him away, then turned my attention back to Kid, preparing for battle.

He was staring at his glass as if gathering his thoughts. Sighing, and not interested in starting the conversation, or making it easy on him to do so, I picked up my own glass to take a sip while I waited and eyed the group in the opposite corner of the saloon.

I sputtered when real whiskey burned its way down my throat. I glanced at Billy through eyes stinging with tears and he gave me a grin and a shrug as if to suggest he thought I might need the real stuff.

Kid, still staring at his untouched glass, said quietly, "Did I ever tell you about my father?"

I was taken aback, and despite my wariness of his motives, I said with curiosity, "no...not very much...why?"

"Because you met him last night," Kid said grimly.

"What?" I asked, scowling in confusion.

He twirled the whiskey tumbler on the table, but did not raise it to his lips. His mouth was bracketed in bitter lines when he spoke without looking away from the drink, "My Pa loved whiskey. Loved it more than Jed or my Mama or me...for sure he loved it more than working or putting food on the table."

"Boggs drank too...sometimes. Made him mean," I ventured, though I hadn't planned on contributing much to this conversation.

Kid's eyes met mine, and there was softness there when he did. He sighed. "I know you and me...we both drew the short straw when it came to fathers. My Pa...the whiskey didn't make him mean...he was a nasty son-of-a-bitch sober or drunk, it didn't matter...he was just slower drunk…easier to get away from. Course, he was drunk more than he wasn't. Every penny he got he drank right up, and if it hadn't been for my Ma, we would have starved to death."

I felt my heart beat faster, both in pain for him and remembered fear of listening to my Mama run from Boggs' heavier step. Still, Boggs never drank enough to lose complete control.

"My Pa...he always operated on a short fuse. Never could tell what might set him off. He...he never could hold down a job for too long because he always lost his temper, got into fights, with other workers with his bosses, didn't matter. Nothing was ever his fault either...he never took responsibility for a single thing gone wrong in his whole life, near as I can tell. Never was one to apologize for being wrong, even when it was starin' him in the face."

"Ma was a proper Southern lady. She grew up right. She didn't come from much money, but she did come from a good family. Having a drunkard husband who couldn't care for his family...it brought her such shame. Her family offered to help her at first, but she was proud and liked to pretend everything was fine, even though, hell, the whole town knew him for what he was. When the time came that she could have used the help, people had stopped offering. I think it was the shame killed her more so than the beatings he gave her, or the other women he ran with, or the fact we ended up living so poor."

I sat in stunned silence, transfixed. I knew a tiny bit about Kid's father from when Jed had died, but of his mother, I had heard nothing in all the conversations we had ever had.

"He used to bring her so low with his words and actions...his fists too. I think he realized he married above his station and everyone knew it. He made it his mission to drag her down in everyone's eyes rather than try to raise himself up. It never once occurred to him to try to be a better man for her, or for us."

Kid shook his head as if rousing himself from the memories. His eyes returned to the table and the glass there, then met mine again with difficulty.

"My whole life, Lou, I have hated that man...I tried to let the hatred go, hell, I know it don't do me any good. But it's always there just below the surface. I loathe having that man's blood in my veins, wish I could just wash him off me and be clean."

"Kid...you ain't your Pa," I said with conviction, despite my determination to be cool towards him. I realized suddenly I wasn't angry any more, but I _was_ still overwhelmingly sad and hurt and not sure where any of this was going. I couldn't stand him in pain though.

He flinched and looked up at me, his face awash in agony. "I don't deserve that kindness from you Lou...not after yesterday…not after a lot of things. I wonder sometimes how you can have that good heart of yours, after everything…"

I wasn't sure if by _everything_ he meant my own upbringing or what had happened to us, but I didn't ask.

He held my gaze, his voice quiet but desperate. "I figured out sometime today that I hate my father so much because I got so much of him in me, Lou. Most the time I can keep it under wraps, but my temper is my weakness, and sometimes I feel his meanness in me like a poison and it scares me."

I was taken aback. I knew Kid had a rare but fierce temper. I had seen glimpses of it in the past, aimed at Jimmy, at Cole Lambert, at Frank Pike, at Jed. I knew what it was to see his usually warm eyes run to blue ice. I had seen him strike out in anger, with a fist, by hurling a chair, hitting a wall...but oddly I had never for a minute worried that he might strike out at me.

"I...I ain't never been scared of you Kid...I ain't ever once thought you'd lay an angry hand on me…if that's what you are worried about," I said uncertainly, still not sure where our conversation was headed.

He dropped his head in shame. "No, Lou...I never would lay an angry hand on any woman, least of all you...but that ain't the only way to hurt you and we both know it."

I caught my lower lip between my teeth, but said nothing.

"Yesterday...seeing you working here and watching that man kiss you...it sent me into a state. I was furious. Furious at him, more so at you…" I opened my mouth to argue that I was not taking responsibility for that anger but Kid held up his hands. "I ain't saying it was right or fair, just that it's how I felt. Underneath it all, Lou, God's truth is that I am scared to death for you to be doing this. Scared to death you're gonna get raped or worse, end up like that saloon girl in Willow Creek, strangled in an alley...I been around enough low places to know it ain't that uncommon an occurrence. And I am angry that I couldn't stop any of the things that led you to this point, with your back against the wall and no other real options open, angry that I couldn't find Danny and make him pay even though you didn't want me to."

He glanced at his untouched whiskey with disgust. "And I let all that boil up in me, and I did exactly what my Father did to my mother over and over again. I set out to tear you down to my level rather than rising to yours. I wanted you to feel as low as I was feeling and I picked the words to be sure I hurt you enough to knock you down, sure as if I had hit you. I knew what I was doing."

Tears stung my eyes because what he said was undeniably true and when he looked fully at me, I blinked in surprise and two large tears raced down both cheeks. He hesitated, then leaned over to cradle my face in his hands and wipe my tears away gently with his thumbs.

Undone, I let him.

"I am so sorry I hurt you like I did, Lou," he whispered, leaning close to me, his eyes close to mine. His own eyes grew bright with tears as mine continued down my cheeks, cascading onto the hands I knew would never hurt me. The gentleness he carried in his hands was part of the reason I had been so taken aback when he had struck me with words instead.

"I been a fool. I can't pretend that this choice of yours sits well with me, can't pretend not to be worried sick, but what I can do is acknowledge it's your choice and not mine. And I ain't got no right making decisions for you."

I met his eyes, saw he was sincere.

"I hurt you. I did it on purpose and I was a fool. I ain't ready to ask your forgiveness for it just yet...I got more work to do before that, building your trust. But what I do wanna ask you is this Lou...can you give me a chance to make it right?"

I saw the depth of feeling that stood behind his words. I wanted to dismiss the idea that he needed to earn my forgiveness...I cared for him enough that I didn't want that burden on him. But I recognized two things with clarity.

One was that making amends was important to him, because I was important to him, and denying him the opportunity would belittle his feelings.

Secondly, I realized that he was right. My trust in him had been broken by degrees, starting with his doubt in me while we were together, continuing through our separation, and ending in the things he had said the other night that I feared he might feel to be true deep down; that I still worried he might feel if he knew everything I had told Jimmy. I didn't trust him to accept my past. And until I did, I wasn't sure what, if any, future we had together.

But he was trying. Wordlessly, I nodded. He gave a visible sigh of relief and gave me a smile that made my heart stutter. Then, he nodded to me and got up and walked out of the saloon, leaving his whiskey untouched.

* * *

 _A/N: It's interesting to me to read other people's take on these characters in comments and in fan fiction. So many people write Kid as a gentle sort. I definitely see that side of him, but I also think he had a volatile temper at times...I'm thinking of him hurling the chair in the bunkhouse during False Colors, and then again in the Sacrifice, and how he went after Jimmy on various occasions (usually to do with Lou). I think it was a war in him to NOT lose control, to not be like his father...I think this chapter was my attempt to reconcile those two parts of him. Any how, onward._


	19. Chapter 18: Unloaded

Chapter 18: Unloaded

I was face deep in a pillow when a persistent hand shaking my shoulder startled me out of a deep sleep.

I groaned when light seared my brain and squinted in confusion up at Rachel. She did a terrible job at hiding her amusement at my appearance.

"Why? Why in the hell are you wakin' me up at this ungodly hour?"

She laughed, which irritated me. "This ungodly hour is almost 11. You are gonna sleep the day away...and besides, you have a visitor downstairs."

I sat up and watched Rachel's eyes travel up to my hair, which I could actually _feel_ standing on end.

"Oh...my…" she said carefully.

"I didn't brush it out last night when I got in," I said defensively.

"Well, it shows," she agreed. "Maybe I can help you with it?" she asked uncertainly. I wasn't sure if she was asking for my permission or voicing her doubt that her skill could help at all.

"Who's visiting?" I wondered stumbling to my feet and walking to the vanity in the room. I flinched when I peered in the mirror. I pressed my lips into a thin line, sat on the stool and extended my brush to Rachel as an offering.

"Jimmy," she smiled and walked over to take the brush.

"Jimmy? Why is- _Owwwww_! If you're just gonna scalp me…"

"Stop being a baby. And start brushing your hair before you sleep on your head," she muttered and my eyes watered as she plowed through a tangle. "Jimmy said you had plans to go riding today?"

I was surprised he had remembered our brief exchange about how much I missed riding before all hell had broken loose. I was more surprised he still wanted to go with me after everything I had told him. I hadn't seen him since I left him the dawn we had talked so late. He had left for his run before I was awake. I had worried on and off how the large amount of information I had revealed to him about my less than rosy past would settle on him when he had a chance to process it all. And yet, he was here.

Unbidden, a smile suddenly stretched my cheeks.

I caught Rachel's eyes studying me in the mirror. There was a soft, knowing smile on her face, but worry in her eyes. I could read the worry as plain as if she had said, _But what about Kid?_

"Has he been waiting long?" I wondered as my hair under Rachel's ruthless fingers was bent into a sort of braid.

"I put him to work packing the lunch he asked me to make last night so he'll be busy a few minutes," she muttered around the hairpins she'd stuck in her mouth. She tucked the braid under at the nape of my neck and stabbed it into place with the pins.

"You missed your calling as a torturer…" I said sarcastically, but then looked at her work. Shorter strands had already escaped the braid and floated around my face. Still, I liked how the hair wove in and out of the braid that started at the crown of my head, strands blending from light to dark as it twisted.

She rolled her eyes. "The fact I wrangled that rat nest into something manageable in under an hour means I missed my calling as a magician. Get dressed. I will tell Jimmy you'll be down in a minute."

It was a relief to leave the red saloon dress and corset in the wardrobe and instead pull on my old brown pants, light blue wool shirt. I grabbed my old corduroy jacket and gloves, but I left my hat where it was, proud of Rachel's work on my hair and not wanting to cover it up.

Feeling almost giddy, maybe at the prospect of a day off, or riding, or spending time with Jimmy, or a little bit of all those things. I went downstairs to find him sitting at the table with Rachel, waiting patiently.

He stood up when I walked in, a huge smile crossing his face. He chuckled suddenly.

"What?" I asked suspiciously.

"Was just thinking there must be something wrong with me to prefer you in this old get-up to your new one. I ain't saying you don't turn heads in that dress, but you look like yourself today, Lou."

"Feel like myself today too. You sure you are up for riding? You been doing it for two days straight…" I pointed out, giving him an escape.

"I wouldn't miss it. Come on, let's get going."

I followed him outside, and saw he had both Sundance and Lightning saddled and tied out by the hitching post in front of Rachel's.

"You saddled my horse?" I asked, surprised.

"Thought I would let you sleep a little longer," he shrugged. "Do you mind?"

I shook my head, blushing a bit with pleasure at his thoughtfulness.

* * *

Jimmy smiled as Lou asked him where they were going for the hundredth time, and as he had the other 99, refused to say.

They had been riding about an hour. They'd given the horses their heads on a long grassy plain and let them run full out. Lou's delighted laughter as she pushed Lightning ahead to win the race still rang in his ears. She had such a distinctive laugh when she dropped her guard. It had been so long since he heard it that he found himself treasuring it as a rare and precious thing.

She rode born to the saddle, Jimmy thought, and not for the first time. In fact, within the first few days of meeting Lou, he had grudgingly acknowledged that though she (or he as he thought at the time) was tiny, she was the best rider he had ever seen.

Riders and horses both had been winded when they pulled up and settled down to ride at an easy pace, side by side. They had been quiet for a time; Jimmy knew that Lou spent a lot of time at the saloon in inconsequential conversation and that it taxed her. He wanted today to be completely enjoyable for her, wanted to demand nothing from her.

He studied her as she took in the unfamiliar terrain.

It was a beautiful winter day, crisp and sunny, and the wind had whipped color into her cheeks that she had lost after her injury, sickness, and then move to working indoors. Her bruises were finally healed, and the deep cut on her temple was a fading red line. Her hair had been neatly braided when she had come down to greet him, but like her, it was wild and refused to be confined. Pieces had slipped from the pins, now swinging loose at her cheeks.

"Thank you, Jimmy. I needed this more than I knew," she said suddenly, turning to meet his eyes with a smile.

A little flustered to have been caught staring, he took a moment to respond. "Ain't exactly a hardship to spend some time with you, Lou."

She fidgeted in her saddle a minute, looking at her hands. "I was afraid you might not want to spend time with me anymore...after I unloaded on you the other night. After you learned about me…"

"Lou, that right there- that I wouldn't want to be around you for any reason- is the craziest thing you ever said to me," Jimmy growled softly. "Why in the world would any thing you said drive me away?"

She looked truly surprised that he didn't seem to know the answer to his own question.

"I...maybe you didn't understand...I didn't tell you everything, Jimmy." She seemed torn, as if she thought he deserved to know why he should avoid her, but was reluctant to summon the words.

"Lou, look...I know what you didn't tell me, all right? I _know_. You ain't gotta say it unless you need to," Jimmy said and when her eyes searched his in surprise, he just nodded with certainty to assure her he did know. He secretly hoped she wouldn't share the details, was scared he was not strong enough to hear them.

"How can you know?" She whispered, voice unsteady, cheeks bright pink with more shame than wind now.

"Because I known men like him. And because you went back out in the cold, Lou. I know. And I am sorry for it."

There were tears in her eyes and Jimmy reached out to grab her horse's rein and pull him to a stop beside Sundance.

"Lou, what I wanna know is why in the world that would that make a bit of difference to anyone who cares about you? What in that pretty head of yours thinks that I would hold anything that happened to you as a little girl against you? And more importantly, how do we fix that so you never think that way again?"

"Plenty of people would say I got what was coming to me, staying on once I knew where I was working," she said quietly. "Hell people would probably say I got what I deserved for leaving the orphanage, abandoning my brother and sister."

"Except for the fact I think you might _be_ one of those people, what does it matter if they think so? How can you think anything that happened was your fault?"

"See, you just don't understand. The day Wicks...it was cause of me...acting loose. I had begged and begged my friend to let me try on her dress...and she finally did. He saw me standing there dressed as the part…and that night...that night was when it happened."

Jimmy fought for mastery of his temper. She had put the name to the man, although he was sure she hadn't meant to, and it was the same name in her nightmares.

"Lou, my older sister used to play dress up in my Mama's dresses...do you think that she shoulda been punished the way you were?"

"It's different," Lou whispered, eyes downcast.

"The hell it is," Jimmy disagreed. He got off his horse and went to Lightning's side. She startled when he grabbed her around the waist, but he persisted and lifted her down to stand before him. He put his hands on her upper arms and held her there.

"We ain't going one more step till we get this sorted out, Lou."

"Jimmy, I shouldn't have brought it up. Let's forget it…I messed up the fine time we were having and I'm sorry."

"I can't let it go, Lou. All these years, all that time you been walking around thinking what happened to you was somehow your fault. I can't…" his throat suddenly felt tight with emotion and he paused until he felt confident his voice would not give out, "I can't stand it that you feel that way."

"I knew what those women were, I knew he was a cruel man. I knew he beat them, raped them, even killed them from time to time. I had been told to leave, begged to leave by my friend. So who else? Who else can be at fault but me?"

" _Him_ , Goddamn it!" Jimmy roared and gave her a light shake. " _Him_ _and only him_! And maybe anyone who wasn't a child who didn't stop him!"

"Jimmy," she began, but he interrupted.

"You were a girl, Lou. A little girl. Almost a child. Ain't no reason in the world you should have expected that cruelty, even though I am pretty sure you'd had more than your share long before that coward touched you. And for damn sure you didn't deserve it!"

There were tears rising in her eyes again. Jimmy cradled her cheeks gently between his gloved hands and tilted her head up to get her to meet his eyes. "Tell me what you could have done differently. Right now. Let's hear it."

"Stayed at the orphanage," she ventured, voice shaking.

"And been raped and maybe killed by that boy that was out to get you? No."

"I could have left the job...left when I found out…" she argued.

"And gone right back on the streets where you would have starved or froze? No."

She drew a ragged breath and met his eyes squarely, tears overflowing as she half-shouted, half-sobbed, "I could have fought him harder! Stopped him!"

His heart broke. "Oh, Lou," he whispered and drew her to him as she cried.

He held her hard and said firmly. "Listen. I know you think you are as tough and big and strong as a bear. And God knows you've given me cause to believe it more than once. But-and I hate to be the one to break this to you Lou, cause I ain't so sure anyone ever has-but you are actually a little scrap of a woman in real life."

She sniffed in surprise and stepped back, clearly insulted.

Despite the pain he felt for her, he smiled at her expression. "See what I mean? The mention you ain't as big as you think and you are ready to take a swing at me."

"Considering it. What's your point?"

"My point is that back then you were even younger, even smaller. I'm guessing you didn't have a gun. How in the world do you think you might have fought off a man of any size determined to do you harm as a girl of, what were you, 14?"

Her face was ashen. "But, that's the thing, Jimmy. I can't remember if I even tried to fight. I think...there are things I remember real clear...the dress I had on, the way the shadows moved on the wall, the sound of the bed...even...even the pain. But I caint remember if I fought him or not. It's like the memory of actually being inside my own skin during that time is just...gone…"

Personally, he thought that might be a blessing."Does it matter so much to you?" Jimmy asked, earnestly. "Do you think you could have stopped him, even fighting with everything you had? With no weapon, by yourself?"

"I wish I was sure I tried." She shrugged. "I might be able to live easier with it."

Jimmy touched her cheek again. "If you didn't, if you did not lift a finger trying to stop the bastard, it still wasn't your fault. But if I know you, Lou, and I am damn proud to think I do, then my guess is you fought with everything you had. It just wasn't enough, sweetheart. Sometimes it just isn't enough."

Lou looked at him, the doubt in her eyes lifting a little.

"Will you do something for me?" he asked after he had let that settle in.

"What?"

"Will you just think about what I've said? I know after all these years of living with that shame by yourself...I know it probably ain't so easy to shift your thinking in a blink, but will you just _consider_ that an outsider perspective might be a little clearer than yours?"

She eyed him. And nodded.

He sighed with relief. "You and your stubborn thick skull. Come on, Mount up. We're almost there."

"Almost _where?"_ She demanded again.

"Stop lollygagging and you'll see," he responded as he swung himself onto his horse and waited for her to do the same.

* * *

 _There_ was a beautiful meadow in the foothills, surrounded by a deep pine forest and skirted by a pretty river tumbling over rocks. Even in the winter it was tinged green and the water was crystal clear. There were a herd of Elk to greet us as we arrived. I was enchanted.

"How in the world did you find this place?" I asked in wonder, "It's miles off any of our runs."

He looked sheepish. "I got lost. On my fourth run."

"How in the world did you get _this_ lost?" I asked dryly.

"Thought I'd find a shortcut," he admitted. "was gonna set a record for the Express early on and Lord it over you all...I was a whole day late and Teaspoon about fired me when I told him I was just improving on the routes he helped map out. But, I did find this place. It was Spring, the whole field was covered in flowers. I come here time to time, when I need some distance from things…"

"From Wild Bill?" I guessed.

He shrugged a shoulder. "Ain't nobody here wants to shoot me. Least not usually," he added with a wry look at me.

"It's been hours since I wanted to shoot you," I promised and he laughed.

He'd asked Rachel to make us lunch and we unsaddled the horses and hobbled them, leaving them to graze on the plentiful grass and sat across from each other using our saddles as back rests.

"I bet you were a terror as a boy," I ventured out of the blue as I bit into a cookie Rachel included for desert. Thinking of my past had made me wonder what he must have been like as a child.

He laughed lightly and shrugged. "Lord, my Mama and sister sure thought so. I was pretty fond of devilin' Celinda...my big sister. She was too busy with her friends and boys to pay me enough attention for my likin', so I got real inventive on how to get it."

"Oh, Lord. Like how?"

"Oh, the usual. Tying all the sashes on her dresses together, dipping her fingers in ink when she slept, putting honey in her bonnet...and then there was the time I put the frogs in her bed…"

"Jimmy!" I scolded, giggling, as he burst into laughter at the memory. He laughed hard and long, tears of mirth coming up in his eyes. I laughed with him, his amusement at himself infectious.

"God, I can still hear her screamin'. Think it did permanent damage to my ears...and my Mama did permanent damage to my as-...uh, hind end."

He was still chuckling and started to tell me some other story as evidence of his questionable boyhood character when he suddenly stopped mid-sentence, smile falling immediately off his face. I watched as his eyes swept the semicircle of tall trees around us.

His hand inched closer to his gun.

"Jimmy?" I said in a low voice.

He ignored me, climbing to his feet. The horses were about fifteen feet away from us, and we were vulnerable in the open field.

I climbed to my feet, searching the treeline as he was. I hadn't heard anything or sensed anything, but the fact Jimmy did had made the hair on my arms stand on end.

"Stand behind me, would you Lou," he ordered in a low voice.

"Indians?" I wondered breathlessly as I did as he asked.

He shook his head. "I don't know...I don't think so...I just got a feeling we are being watched."

I undoubtedly felt the same now, felt the burn of a stare.

"Should we make a run for the horses?" I asked, feeling the primitive urge to flee what I couldn't see to fight taking over. I prepared to bolt.

Suddenly a gunshot roared from the dark tree line and Jimmy turned and tackled me to the ground, crying out in pain as his body covered mine and pressed it into the soft earth.


	20. Chapter 19: Unwelcome

Chapter 19: Unwelcome

I gasped for breath after the force of Jimmy's weight hit me and then realized there was warm blood soaking through my sleeve. It didn't belong to me.

"Jimmy!" I gasped in panic, "where are you hit? How bad is it?"

I struggled to move toward him and examine his wound but he growled at me to stop, and pushed my cheek flat to the ground with a rough hand to the side of my head. "Damn it, Lou, keep your head down!"

"Jimmy, where are you hit?"

I heard his grunt of pain. "My arm. It's fine."

Another shot rang out, hitting the earth in front of us, then another to the right of us.

The grass was deep enough to give us a bit of cover but it wasn't enough. I knew we were easy targets.

Jimmy knew it too. "Listen...when I say go, you gotta get to the saddles. It's the only cover we got."

"Jimmy...no. You are hurt. I can cover you while you go...They'll expect it after that...the second runner has gotta be faster...that's me on my worst day, and you'll provide better cover when it counts."

"Lou, no!"

"I ain't arguing with you Jimmy," I hissed and with that I reared up on my knees, gun in hand and fired in the direction of the shots coming at us.

Saying a lot of rude words that I decided not to take personally, Jimmy got up and ran for the saddles.

A bullet whined by me, too wide to hit me or Jimmy. Then another, a little closer. I adjusted my aim more toward where I thought shots were coming from. I glanced back, saw Jimmy leap behind his saddle, and draw mine closer in preparation of making us a bunker of sorts.

Five shots from the trees meant only one more till the reload. Whomever was out there would only have one more chance to hit me...unless he had another gun, I realized with dread. Or unless there was more than one gunman. But I didn't think that was the case.

"Come on, Lou. Fast, but not in a straight line," Jimmy called and when I heard fire from his gun, I sprung to my feet and bolted back towards him. I heard the sixth shot behind me, felt a curious rush of air by my thigh, and then I was leaping the saddle and laying low beside Jimmy as he emptied his gun toward the trees.

My heart was surging nearly out of my chest, my ears deafened to everything but gunfire and the blood pounding in my head. I tasted bitter adrenaline, thought I might be sick.

"Lou, your leg," Jimmy was saying when the roar in my ears had quieted and he turned to his back to reload. There had been no more shots from the trees since the one I had run from.

I glanced down in surprise. There was a thin line of red blood and pale skin showing through a four inch rip along the outside of my pants. I felt something akin to a skinned knee and curiously pulled the fabric apart to discover a pink groove and shallow red line not much deeper than a thorn might make high on the outside of my thigh. It was the very definition of "grazed."

Jimmy leaned over to inspect the wound himself, nodded in satisfaction when he saw its superficial nature.

"Yours?" I asked, still breathless with nerves.

"Worse than yours but I'll live."

"Just one gunman?" I guessed.

Jimmy nodded. "Yeah...and he is either a pretty bad shot, or he is toying with us. That scratch on your leg makes me think the latter."

"Danny?" I suggested, feeling certain I was right.

"It crossed my mind," Jimmy agreed grimly. "But it might just be an Indian, or an outlaw not wanting us to get close to his grubstake. No telling. Whoever it is, he has better cover than we do. At least he can't circle round back without us seeing him...not with the river behind us."

"Are we gonna wait him out or make a run for the horses?"

Jimmy considered. "I think if he really wanted us dead he would have killed us already, while we ate. And if he wanted us pinned down good, he coulda shot the horses. I think this was just a hello from him. I think he will be on his way now, before nightfall. But what troubles me is he shot close enough to hit each of us...I don't care how good a shot he is... you don't fire at someone without being alright with the possibility you might kill them. I think we gotta be careful."

Chills rose along my arms. "I think we should run for it."

He shook his head. "This damn valley is just too open. I think we wait for dark, then go."

"Hand me that sheet. Your arm needs tending in the meantime," I murmured, thus agreeing to Jimmy's plan though I itched to vault on my horse and ride straight into the trees, and kill Danny with my bare hands.

Jimmy watched my face a minute. "We don't know it is him, Lou."

I cursed my transparent thoughts, nodded wordlessly, and turned my face away as I made a bandage for Jimmy. We didn't know...but I felt sure it was Danny.

"The others will be worried," I observed a bit later as I tied a tight bandage around Jimmy's upper arm. The sleeve of his jacket had a lot of blood on it, and he was still losing more from the bullet was still in his arm. He'd need doctoring that I couldn't provide him, but I figured he already knew that and there was no point in saying so. I used Jimmy's knife to cut a long strip of the light blanket we had been picnicking on, tied it in a loop and scooted closer to Jimmy, putting it over his head for him.

He winced as he put his arm through the simple sling. Then nodded his thanks and gave me a sideways glance. "You all right, Lou?"

I shrugged. "Jimmy, do any of the others know where we are?"

He shook his head. "They knew the direction we were taking but not the route."

I nodded, understanding the boys would not be riding to the rescue. It was up to me and Jimmy to get out of this valley alive.

As the sun slanted toward the hills, the temperature dropped. I couldn't stop my teeth from clacking together. Hearing them, Jimmy reached out with his good arm and pulled me flush against his side. He was keeping watch over the edge of the upturned saddle. His warmth steadied me, stopped my shivering. We lay there in silence for another hour before Jimmy stirred. The meadow was in deep shadow now, and there had been no movement from the trees since the last shot had been fired.

Jimmy whistled low through his teeth and Sundance, who was grazing nearby, slowly made his way towards us. Lightning followed the palomino.

"Stay there," he ordered me in a bossy voice that I immediately resisted. As he stood, he swayed dangerously, and I jumped to my feet to duck under his good arm and steady him before he fell down.

"Dizzy," he muttered, hanging onto me a minute.

"You've lost a lot of blood," I scolded him. "Sit down. I will saddle the horses."

Jimmy looked like he might argue, but there was no color to speak of in his face and pressing his lips in a grim line, he did ease back on the grass.

"Keep the horses between you and the trees," he reminded me.

"I'm not a complete fool," I growled and quickly tacked up both horses. The treeline was silent, still, and shadowed.

"Can you ride?" I ventured doubtfully.

He looked insulted. "Course I can. But I'm gonna need you to pony my horse with yours to keep my hand free for my gun if I need it."

We led the horses towards the trees, still saying on their far side. I followed Jimmy, worried at how much he was leaning on the horse. He shouldn't have been made to bleed and hurt for those hours we waited for the cover of darkness, and I decided Danny would pay for that alone, even in the face of everything else he had done.

We passed into the trees and listened to the wildlife around us carefully for any hint we had company beyond the birds and animals. At last, Jimmy seemed satisfied it was safe, and I had to help him on his horse. Holding his palomino's reins, I swung up on Lightning and guided both horses through the trees as the last light of day faded.

We met no one in the trees, saw no signs in the darkness that hinted where our attacker had sheltered or who it might have been. By the time we broke through the forest and back onto the plain, night was sheltering us.

The long ride home was tense for me and must have been hellish for Jimmy, but he never uttered a word of complaint. He held his gun with his good hand, unholstered and resting on his thigh. His face was bone white whenever I glanced his way.

We were about about an hour from Sweetwater when he called out, "Uh, Lou...I don't feel very g…"

That was as far as he got before I turned around in time to see him slump sideways on the horse and heard his gun clatter to the dust.

I cried out and vaulted off Lightning and to his side before he pitched headfirst to the ground.

"Whoa!" I snapped ferociously at Sundance when the horse danced a bit at the off-balance load on his back. I pushed and pulled and strained until Jimmy was more or less centered in the saddle and leaning forward on his horse's neck. Not sure what else to do, I climbed on back of his saddle and used my arms to cage Jimmy on the horse, guiding Sundance nearly blind around Jimmy's slumped, but still tall, shoulder.

I rode for home as fast as I dared, feeling vulnerable from all directions, feeling as if sinister gazes crawled up my shoulder blades, as if dark intentions slithered up my calves. My arms ached and trembled with the effort of holding Jimmy balanced and guiding the horses. For his part, Jimmy was more unconscious than not, startling awake every few minutes with enough force to almost knock us both from the saddle, but then quickly slipping under again.

I felt actual tears of relief sting my eyes as in the last five miles from Sweetwater I heard hoof beats and could just make out Noah's light Buckskin horse coming towards us fast in the dark. Cody and Teaspoon were riding with him. I didn't think I could hold up Jimmy one more step.

"What in God's name kept you so long? It's near midnight!" Teaspoon growled as he pulled up, then seemed to realize I was holding Jimmy on the horse by sheer stubbornness, though even that had limits. He motioned the boys to help.

Cody and Noah dismounted to take Jimmy's dead weight from me and the horse, and I cried out at the pain of trying to relax my arms from their long hold. I explained. "A gunman pinned us down in a field. We had to wait for dark to get away. Jimmy got hit...he needs a doctor."

"What about you, Lou? You hurt?" Noah asked looking up at me as he held Jimmy under the arms.

"I'm okay," I said at the moment Jimmy came back around and mumbled, "her leg."

"My leg is just barely scratched," I protested as Teaspoon rode closer to inspect it.

"Any idea who was taking shots at you two?" Teaspoon wondered as he watched while Jimmy was helped onto Cody's horse.

"Danny, maybe," Jimmy offered before I could say anything. "But that is just a guess...a good one I think."

"How nice of you to come back to us now, when there's help to keep you from falling in the dirt," I muttered at him. "And it was _you_ that said it might not be him at all."

Jimmy shrugged, winced at the pain of doing that, and said, "Didn't see no reason for you to fret over it."

I glared at him, then softened when I contemplated his sleeve, dark with blood. The boys, on alert about Danny, would be more protective than usual. I found myself glad Kid was on a three-day run with Ike.

"Let's get you to Doc," Teaspoon suggested.

I followed them into Sweetwater, refusing when Jimmy suggested Cody or Noah see me back home. "I ain't leaving you till I know you are alright," I asserted and looking surprised at my vehemence, Jimmy didn't argue.

* * *

She was sitting quietly in the corner of the room in the doctor's house as everyone else filed out. She'd silently shook her head when Teaspoon asked if she wanted him to take her home after he was patched up and ordered to stay the night.

Teaspoon, Cody, and Noah had left without comment, as did the doctor with a quick check of the dressings to assure himself the bleeding had stopped.

Now Jimmy studied Lou. Her hair had long ago escaped the morning's braid, and it rioted about a face pale beneath smudges of dirt, and his blood. Her eyes were glassy with exhaustion, mouth bracketed by grim lines of worry. She absentmindedly chewed at one of her fingernails off and on.

"Why in the world didn't you let them see you home?" Jimmy said gently. "I'm gonna be fine, Lou."

Her dark eyes were troubled, and when she didn't answer him right away, he guessed, "You wouldn't be taking the responsibility of this on yourself, would you?"

"I got Danny fired."

"Well turnabout is fair play," Jimmy snapped. "And he had a bone to pick with me too. And even if not, you ain't responsible for what the bastard does. 'Sides, we still don't know it was him."

"You acted sure enough when you told the others," she reminded him, giving him a glare without heat. "They will all be like mother hens now."

"That was the plan," he agreed and grinned crookedly, making her giggle a bit. He sighed, "Damn, Lou. Today didn't turn out like I planned...I wanted you to have a nice day."

She smiled, left her chair to come sit on the side of the bed, her leg touching his. She took his good hand between hers. "I had a wonderful time right up till someone tried to kill me," she promised.

Without missing a beat, he added, "That's what you always say when we spend the day together."

That startled her to laughter, and it was infectious. Jimmy laughed too, reached up to cradle her cheek. "It was worth getting shot to spend that time with you, Lou. I miss you being around all the time."

Her eyes softened, and held his. The air charged with something that made Jimmy's heart beat faster. Lou leaned down and pressed her lips lightly to his.

It was a chaste kiss, but she lingered just long enough to make Jimmy consider putting his hand in her hair and taking her mouth the way he really wanted to.

Too many images flashed through his brain; the stories she'd told him about her past, what Danny had done to her, and Kid's face. Tormented by the desire to ignore all of those things, and knowing his restraint had limits he was fast approaching, he nearly sighed in relief when she straightened up, then smiled sweetly at him. That smile made him instantly regret the lost moment.

"Look Lou, not that I don't want your company, but you really ought to let someone take you home. Folks might talk if they found out you'd stayed here all night."

She leveled a long look his way. "I work in the saloon, Jimmy...they already talk plenty. But, if you want me to go…"

Her big eyes looked hurt at the thought. He grabbed her hand again. "I never want you to go," he murmured, sincere to his center.

She smiled, a little shy. Started to ask him something, then hesitated.

"What is it? I think we are beyond holding things back now," Jimmy smiled.

"Would you mind if...Can I lie next to you? I don't mean...I just want to be near you…"

Jimmy worried about a thousand things at the question, the least of which was not the fact he had only his long john bottoms on under the sheets. He hesitated a moment, then said, "yeah" in a voice that was a little unsteady.

She eased down on his uninjured side, over the covers, not really touching him. Still, she was close enough to feel his warmth and he hers.

"Sleep," she told him after a long moment that should have been more uncomfortable than it was. "I will keep watch to be sure Danny doesn't trouble us here."

Jimmy was surprised she was worried about that. Danny knew they lived in Sweetwater, so there was no need for him to follow them anywhere. He also didn't expect Danny would be bold enough to come for them in the doctor's house. He was a snake, waiting to strike from shadows.

He turned to tell her that he didn't think she needed to worry about keeping watch, and then laughed softly.

His guard was already fast asleep.

* * *

A/N: I am so sorry for leaving you with that cliffhanger for so long, it wasn't my intention, but sometimes other things just butt into writing time. I was going to say I would never kill Jimmy, that I hoped you didn't worry...except I did in Wild Rose (or at least wrote about his historical death). I'm a college professor and we are in the last push of the semester, so I may be slow with this next chapter too, and then life will get easier in about two weeks and I'll have a lot less grading and a lot more writing time. I'm anticipating 4-5 more chapters to wrap this one up. Thanks for waiting for me! 


	21. Chapter 20: Unstoppable

Chapter 20: Unstoppable

The next night, despite being dead on my feet, I was back at the saloon, over the strong protest of everyone at the station.

Rachel must have sent word I had it in my head to go to work and was getting ready to do just that, because when I came down the stairs in my dress, they were all milling about the foyer and sitting room.

I gave Rachel a look. She shrugged, unapologetic.

 _Lou, you shouldn't be thinking about going back to the saloon till we find Danny, now._ That from Noah.

 _Sweetheart, I am sure Billy would understand if you just lay low a day or so until we are sure Danny ain't interested in taking any more shots at you._ Teaspoon.

 _I could ride out that way in the morning, look for signs and try to track him._ Buck.

 _You ain't serious about this are you?_ Cody.

 _I'm serious about eatin'._ I had retorted. _Sides we ain't even sure it was Danny, and even if it was, we ain't sure he is in Sweetwater._

 _Lou._ Jimmy's single word was full of rebuke.

I had glared at him, freshly home from the doctor's. Immediately, I softened. His friendship for me was the reason he was pale-faced and wearing a sling.

 _Boys, he has already cost me one job. He ain't gonna cost me another, and I ain't gonna live under a rock till he decides he is ready to move on me. You can't stop him if you don't know where he is. Sooner or later, if he decides, he is coming for me. Might as well make it sooner. I'm tired of the waitin._

So I had come to work. As a compromise, Cody was occupying the stool at the end of the bar closest to the door. Noah and Ike would be back to join him when it was time for me to go home. Buck and Jimmy, over the latter's strong protests, had been left home to keep an eye on the station and Rachel. Teaspoon had looked in over the swinging saloon doors twice already and I hadn't been here very long.

At the moment, Cody was flirting with Angel, which made me feel considerably less guilty about him spending his evening off watching over me. He was completely infatuated with the curvy blonde, eating up every bit of the attention from her. She had smirked triumphantly at me over his shoulder, as if in some way she was winning, as if I would ever drape myself across Cody's lap in that way.

"Idiot," I growled under my breath, and wasn't sure if I was referring to Cody, Angel, or myself for being irked at both of them.

Isabelle gave me a knowing look as she passed me with a tray full of glasses. "Takes all kinds," she murmured, lips twitching.

"Idiots especially," I muttered again after she'd passed. I went on about my business, mood growing darker the longer Cody carried on with Angel. I made a concerted effort not to look towards them.

"Well hello Darlin'. Come here and let me see if I can wipe that scowl off your face."

Before I knew what was happening, hands had seized me around the waist and I was sitting in the lap of a man twice my age, and maybe three times my size. My feet didn't touch the floor.

I was never one to tolerate being manhandled, and tonight I certainly was in no mood for games.

"Let me up," I commanded flatly and struggled to get off his lap.

He laughed, hot breath in my face, making me nearly nauseous. "Keep squirming, Darlin and I'll be the one gettin' up. Heard you used to ride the express...I got something you can ride if you like."

I felt my entire face suffuse with blood, all the way to the top of my ears. Not with the embarrassment he likely took it for. This was fury.

"You got one second to let me go, or you're gonna start having a very bad day," I snapped and struggled again, but his grip on me only tightened. His fingers dug into my hip bones with enough pressure to leave a bruise as he held me harder to his lap.

I wondered where Atticus was, willed Cody, whose back was to me, to notice I might need assistance. Angel met my eyes squarely over his shoulder, assessed the situation, and deliberately turned back to her conversation with Cody, pouring over him with even more flirtation to distract him.

I spared a moment to think a very unkind thought about her.

"Heard you had lots of fight in you. Heard you liked to play like you didn't want no part of this, but that it was all part of your little game...Shorty. Why don't we just skip the part where you pretend to be too good to go upstairs with me?"

I stopped struggling, stopped talking, stopped breathing, and sat there on that stranger's lap dumbly. Shorty he had called me. The only person to ever call me that name was Danny.

"Where is he?" I growled, forcing myself to breathe deeply as he threaded his arms about my waist. I cast a frantic look around the room, but there was no sign of Danny.

"I don't much wanna talk about him right now. He's around, I guess. Ran into him earlier at the cat house on the edge of town...told me I was wasting my money on the whores there...when you were right here. Said you were the best he ever had."

"Well he's a liar and a fool. Take your hands off me. Ain't asking again."

"Darlin, he told me that you'd play it this way, that you liked a man that just took what he wanted. Ain't no use in pretending we both don't know your game."

And with that, he took the back of my neck in his large hand and stilled my head long enough to bring his lips sloppily over mine, as if he was trying to ingest me.

I screeched as I pulled back, not out of fear but with rage and the saloon went still in the moment between my cry and the sound of my fist connecting with the man's nose.

I didn't have the leverage to have broken it, but it was a hard enough blow for him to loosen his hold on me and make a tent of both hands over his face as he cursed, eyes watering.

I began scrambling off his lap, not mindful of the way my elbows and heels dug into various soft parts of him as I tried to get away. Before I could, he reached out and grabbed a fistful of my hair, holding me, back bowed, at his mercy. I cried out in pain as he yanked and my back arched even further.

And then I heard the click of a gun's hammer and swiveled my eyes, since I couldn't move my head, to see Cody standing behind the man. He'd apparently extracted himself from Angel long enough to come to my defense; the barrel of his gun was digging into my captor's temple.

"You let her go or I put a bullet through your skull. Now."

A ripple of chills ran along the curve of my spine at the deadly tone of voice. I had never heard Cody sound that way, had never seen those sky blue eyes so cold.

The pressure on my hair and neck released and I lurched forward, would have cracked my skull on the table in front of me had a hand not caught me under my arm and pulled me upright.

I stumbled into a body, looked up to see Tom. For the first time since I'd met him, Tom spared no smile for me, he was looking at my attacker, his eyes afire. I looked back at the stranger too.

Blood was pouring from his nose over his unkempt mustache, right over the lips that he had put on mine. I shuddered hard enough for Tom to put a reassuring arm around my shoulder.

"What the hell do you think you're doing handling one of my girls like that?" Billy had arrived, Atticus at his elbow. Cody still did not take his gun from the man's temple. The saloon was at a stand still, people watching the scene with slack-jawed curiosity.

"It ain't what you think. I was just asking her upstairs. I didn't know she was such a cold bitch or I wouldn't have wasted my breath."

"Cody!" I warned when I saw him press his gun harder into the man's head.

"Say one more thing about her," Cody tempted him.

His eyes passed over me. "Ain't worth it."

"Atticus will show you the door. Don't come back in," Billy snapped.

"I can find the door my-" the stranger started but was cut off when Atticus, bigger even than my would-be customer, grabbed him by his unruly hair and wrenched him to his feet.

It gave me immense satisfaction to see him squirm in pain at being grabbed as he had grabbed me, and marched on the tips of his toes through the door. I heard some unpleasant sounding thumps of fists on flesh once they were outside and before the saloon picked back up as if nothing had happened.

"Lou, you alright?" Cody asked for himself, Tom and Billy.

"Fine," I said and was surprised my voice didn't tremble.

"He didn't hurt you?" Tom persisted. "He yanked you around pretty good from what I saw walking in…I came in right before you hit him."

Cody shook his head. "I'm sorry Lou. I should have been keeping an eye on you."

"I know what your eye was on," I snipped unkindly, and instantly regretted it. My quarrel was not with him. I shook my head, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Thanks for your help, Cody. You too, Tom."

"What happened?" Cody wondered. "One minute you're fine, the next time I look over you are punching a man in the nose. It was a good hit by the way, especially for your angle."

"Had a good teacher," I admitted with a sheepish smile he returned, though his eyes were still shadowed with worry.

"You know who he was, Louise?" Tom asked me.

"Never seen him before tonight." I murmured, and for some reason decided against telling them about his connection to Danny, at least for the moment until I had time to process it myself.

"Sometimes customers get it in their head that saloon girls are theirs for the takin' so long as they got the money," Billy explained, to me more than the men.

"Sometimes they are," I reminded him, thinking again of Willow Creek and Cole Lambert.

Isabelle appeared. "Lord, Louise, he did a number on your hair. Billy, maybe give the poor girl a minute in back to put herself back together?"

I sighed in relief, met Isabelle's gaze with gratitude.

"Of course. Take whatever time you need, Louise."

I nodded and turned to walk to the private rooms behind the bar.

Cody put a hand on my shoulder to stop me as I passed him. "Want me to come? Stand guard?"

"I'm fine," I dismissed him and walked away, feeling increasingly trapped as people watched me on all sides. In the mirror over the bar, I saw Angel sidle up to Cody again, and the small part of me found pleasure in watching him disentangling himself from her with a serious word that I imagined was to do with him telling her he needed to keep watch better than he had been.

I passed into the privacy of the rooms behind the bar. I made it to a long counter used for preparing food and leaned heavily on it, my weight resting on my splayed fingers and arms rather than my suddenly trembling legs.

It wasn't that I had been manhandled...or not entirely anyway. It wasn't that the man could have easily snapped my neck had Cody been a second later to my aid.

It was Danny. Danny who had promised me I would either be with him or with anyone with the money to leave on my nightstand. Yesterday had been a warning that he could take someone I loved from me if he chose, or rather if I didn't choose him. Today, he had reminded me of the ultimatum he had set before I had gotten fired. He would have me, or he would haunt me.

I wondered how many other men he had spoken to at the brothel, how many more would come after me with his promise that I liked the chase, that I would play coy or pretend to fight them but that I was willing to serve them.

I shuddered violently.

I had made an enemy of the wrong man. His obsession with hurting me, getting even with me, of making my life a living hell was terrifying. It was not over between us, even with all he had cost me. What more did he want from me? How much would he try to take before he was satisfied? Before he felt he had won? I was afraid the only end would be his or mine.

I had lived in fear of one man for most of my adult life. Still lived in fear of Wicks. I refused to run from Danny too.

"How'd you do it?" a voice startled me out of my thoughts and I turned my head towards Angel as she walked in on my privacy. I did not straighten up from where I was still bracing myself upright on the counter.

"Do what, Angel?" I asked wearily. I considered calling her out for seeing me in trouble and purposefully not telling Cody. However, there were only so many fronts I could fight battles on, and my energy was needed elsewhere.

"Wrap all those boys so completely around your finger. Are you that good in bed?"

I blinked. Then the absurdity of that question and my life at this moment in time bubbled in my throat and a bark of laughter escaped me before I could think to stop it.

She blushed bright red, assuming I was making fun of her when I wasn't. I was laughing at myself.

Defensive, her tone was nasty. "I don't understand why they all fall over themselves to protect you. I saw them at the Marshal's office the day that man fired you, looking fit to kill even though it was you in the wrong. See how they all show up every night to see you home safe. Saw that one called Kid come crawling back to you even after you bit his head off for trying to take you outta here...and that Hickok fella has hearts in his eyes when he watches you…and Cody out there...practically giving myself away and he's not interested because he has gotta watch you mope about."

I blinked in surprise at the bitterness in her voice. "Even lonely old Tom is under your spell. Before you came along I could occasionally talk him into a bounce upstairs but now he just wants to talk to you. What power do you have over them? Is it sex? Is it witchcraft? What the hell is so special about you? It ain't your looks. Ain't your personality either that I can tell that is so damned noteworthy. So what the hell is it? I give up."

I sighed, tired, and told her the truth. "It's not me...it's that they are my family. All right? That's it."

She snorted. "It had a family too, including an uncle who helped himself to touching me and worse from the time I was ten."

I flinched. "I'm sorry," I nearly whispered, pity heavy on my heart.

"I don't need the likes of you taking pity on me. You think you are so high and mighty...so Goddamned pure…"

"Angel, I ain't-"

"Oh yes you are! You think you are above this work, above having the men touch you, and you're making more in tips than I am, even accounting for everything I am offering them…"

"If that's true, it's because I am new. It will wear off," I tried.

"I hoped that man would drag you upstairs by your hair, have his way, and then they'd all see you for what you are, for what I see...a whore who thinks she is worth more than she is."

Those words hollowed me like a blow. Part of me feared she was right. The other was horrified at the depth of jealousy she felt for me.

"Can't imagine hating anyone enough to wish rape on them," I said quietly.

"Don't worry. Your worshipers would never allow that to happen to you. Not all of us have such protection."

"They wouldn't let anyone hurt you like that either, Angel, if they were there to stop it. It ain't got nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with them."

"Well they are about ten years too late," she snapped viciously. "Not everyone gets rescued."

I felt tears of empathy burn my eyes but fought them down, sure she would not receive them well. She was too bitter, to full of hate for what she thought I had and what she thought I was. "No...Not everyone does."

"Just once...I wish they could see you like I do...just once I wish you'd fall off that pedestal in front of them all. Let them see you cry and beg for mercy and get none. That would take some of the shine off you."

With that she turned and stormed from the room and my gut was cold with foreboding and my heart with pity for the girl who couldn't conceive of a man finding value in anything but her sexual favors.

But for a series of different choices and different people to cross my path, I could have been just like her.

I shuddered.

"Prairie dog dancing on your grave?"

"Ain't you got a town to protect?" I charged Teaspoon with a smile as I turned to see him standing in the room. I sighed and started twisting and repinning my hair, remembering I was supposed to be working.

"Heard a man grabbed one of my favorite citizens," Teaspoon responded.

"I'm fine."

"Good. Man's worse for the wear. I heard Atticus finished the job you started on his nose."

I was darkly glad to hear it, but insisted, "Really Teaspoon, no need for you to check up on me. I am not hurt. Just needed to put my hair back up and catch my breath."

"You didn't know him?"

"Never seen him before. You?" I asked.

"Still haven't seen him. I went to bring him and talk to him when Tom came to get me a few minutes ago, but he lit out fast after Atticus left him. Couldn't find him."

"Teaspoon...you can't arrest a man for pulling a saloon girl on his lap."

"It's my town," he disagreed. "I was more concerned with what he did after, namely grabbing you by the hair and refusing to let go."

I gave him a look. "I said I am fine."

"Well...that's good because Kid got back from his run. They had filled him in about what happened in the hills to you and Jimmy at the station. He came bursting into my office about the time Tom came running over to say you'd been grabbed. So you could say he is a might worked up."

I groaned.

He shrugged. "Why don't you go out there and let the poor boy see you still got all your limbs. He was picturin' the worst. Glad you are all right Sweetheart."

His eyes were troubled and he looked like he wanted to say more. I was still feeling raw after my exchange with Angel, and wasn't sure I could hold my emotions in check if he expressed any kindness or concern.

"Let's go see Kid before he explodes," I said more lightly than I felt and led the way back to the saloon.

I saw Kid before he saw me. He was standing with Cody, his head bent forward as he absorbed what Cody was telling him with his brow furrowed in concentration.

He looked up suddenly as if I had called him, though I had not. Abandoning Cody mid-sentence, he walked quickly toward me, but before reaching me seemed to remember we were on unsettled terms, and he slowed down. I walked to meet him.

We stood with more space between us than usual, the distance an echo of our mutual caution.

His eyes searched my face carefully, passed over me from head to toe for signs of injury. He looked pale with worry.

"Kid, truly, I am alright."

"They said you got hit in the leg yesterday with a shot," he argued.

"I've had briars do worse," I assured him.

"The others tried to talk you into laying low, I hear. You don't think they have a good point?" Kid asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

"I think when Danny is coming, he is coming, wherever I am," I said, guarded.

"Lou, I just-"

Kid was cut off suddenly by a blood-curdling scream from outside the saloon porch. The sound filled every inch of empty space in the room, wrapped around all of us standing there frozen in shock for those first seconds.

The scream filled me with dread, so that I stood immobilized a moment longer while everyone else in the room surged forward as one to see what horror was beyond the saloon doorway.

I didn't want to know.

* * *

A/N: Turns out there's only so many projects a girl can grade before losing her sanity...so I wrote some.


	22. Chapter 21: Underestimated

Chapter 21: Underestimated

Kid started forward at the same time everyone else did, ready to investigate the screaming, to help, to save someone. It was his way.

I knew though. Knew it was going to be too late.

Kid paused when I stood rooted, even as people flooded around us, hurrying to see, to spectate.

Looking restlessly toward the doorway, he made himself walk back to me.

"Lou, what is it?" he asked quietly, his urgency to help at war with his concern over what must have been the stricken look on my face. I shook myself out of my paralysis. Whatever it was, it would have to be faced. I shook my head and motioned him to lead the way outside.

Teaspoon had been swearing snow was coming for days, his bones the source of such knowledge. It was late in the season for snow, and the rest of us had rolled our eyes at the notion.

The first thing I noticed when I stepped into the late winter night was that the first tiny flakes had been released from heavy clouds that had loomed all day and tiny flakes danced and swirled madly in the brisk wind whipping through the rows of buildings that defined main street. A crisp white edge had started to rapidly outline the wooden porch and railing.

The wind was high enough to drown out most of the shocked murmurs of the crowd spilled across the porch and into the dirt alongside it. I followed the path Kid's broad shoulders cut through the throng, my fingers brushing his back so he would know I was still behind him.

When he stopped abruptly, I plowed into him.

He turned quickly and put his arm around me, trying to block my view, to shield me, to turn me away.

It was too late. All I could see was blood. I gasped unproductively, feeling as if the breath had been knocked from my body.

"Lou, don't," Kid pleaded with me. "You don't need to see."

I struggled against him and he released me immediately with a frustrated sigh, keeping one hand lightly on my bare shoulder. In the chaos that followed, I was aware of that touch, a tiny lingering warmth as the rest of me turned to ice.

On the ground in the alley between the saloon and the law office, was the enormous length of Atticus. He might have been sleeping there with the snow settling unnoticed on his dark suit, but for the gaping slice across his throat, wide and red, like an obscene smile.

Not far away, slumped against the wall of the opposite building, was the man who had grabbed me, his throat also cut and his empty eyes seemingly staring right at me where I stood.

The world spun violently, my vision receded to a tiny point of wavering light. I heard what I thought was gusting wind but what I later realized was the blood rushing out of my head. My knees dipped, the rest of me might have followed, but I seemed to hover bonelessly there above the ground. Then I was rising, rising, and floating through the sea of people around me.

I saw Kid's angular jaw above me, saw him glance at me in worry but return blue eyes forward as he carried me through the crowd. The wind gusted and I blinked and saw the flakes twirling above me, seemingly suspended under the porch roof and catching the light of the lanterns. The pristine glow of them turned from white to red when I closed my eyes and that was the last thought I had for awhile.

* * *

"She's coming around," I heard Cody say from impossibly far above me, or so it seemed. I opened my eyes, infinitely surprised to find his face just beyond mine.

I was disoriented and it took me several long moments to put together that I was in a jail cell, lying on the bunk there. Cody was sitting in the chair by the bed, and Kid was leaning against the open cell door. He came forward as my eyes searched about.

I remembered the two bloodied bodies in the street. Felt sick to my stomach.

"How am I here?"

"You fainted," Kid told me, looking worried.

I scowled. "I don't...No. That's not...I ain't never fainted a day of my life," I protested, embarrassed.

" _Until_ today. You dropped like a rock, or woulda if Kid hadn't caught you first." Cody disagreed.

My cheeks heated.

Cody took pity on me. "Look no one can blame you. Near lost my own dinner. And you weren't the only one to faint. That girl Angel is still hysterical. She is the one that found them like that but she can't seem to gather herself up enough to answer any questions. Teaspoon's gonna want to talk to you too."

I looked past him and Kid, further into the marshal's office. Noah and Barnett were there, talking to various witnesses I guessed. Tom and Ike were in the room too. So was Billy, pacing like a madman, yanking hands through his hair. I could see the tracks of tears down his shocked face. Atticus had worked with him a long time, I knew.

Atticus had been a quiet man, but he had cared for the girls under his watch and had taken our protection very seriously. My gut knotted more mercilessly. I hadn't worked it out yet; had not had the time or capacity yet, but I knew with certainty that Atticus' blood was in some way on my hands.

"Oh God," I said, not sure if I offered it as a prayer or apology. I slowly sat up on the bunk, bringing the blanket with me.

I saw Angel sitting in Teaspoon's chair, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, her pale hands clutching a mug of steaming coffee. The wild wind had wrought havoc on her hair and her eyes were just as crazed.

Teaspoon was crouching in front of her, asking her a question in a gentle tone. Rather than answer, she dissolved into tears. Because I knew him well, I could sense Teaspoon biting back frustration as he straightened. He swung his head impatiently, then froze, startled to see me sitting up. He shook off his surprise and came toward me.

Cody abdicated his chair so that Teaspoon might sit across from me.

"Sweetheart, the other man by Atticus...did you get a look? Was it the man who harassed you earlier? Cody and Tom said it was."

I nodded.

"I don't guess he gave you any indication he might slit a man's throat for insulting him?"

"You think he did it?" I said slowly, confusion making my thoughts run in tight circles. "But…"

"Atticus humiliated him in the saloon, then again outside. Gave him a helluva beating. Did he seem the type to hold a grudge?"

"I-I couldn't say...but if he cut Atticus' throat, who cut his?" I asked, bewildered.

"That I don't know. We found a knife in his hand...a knife consistent with the...wounds."

"You think he cut his own throat?" I felt so thick-skulled, like I wasn't grasping the logic, like I couldn't quite follow. Nothing Teaspoon was saying made a bit of sense to me.

Of course, neither did Atticus lying dead in the snow.

"Don't know yet...don't know much of anything. No one recognizes the fellow...seems like a drifter. And since no one knows him, figuring out what he would or could have done ain't so easy." Teaspoon sighed. "And that poor girl back there can't pull herself together enough to answer my questions about what she saw when she found them there."

"Has someone brought him in? Atticus?" I nearly whispered, seeing the blowing white wall in the light pouring from the office window. "It's snowing so hard out there now."

"He's being tended to, Sweetheart." Teaspoon reached over to cover my hand with his and waited until I looked back at him. He sighed. "Lou, I hate to do this to you, but I know you know it's important I ask you some questions. All right?"

I nodded again, swallowing the lump in my throat that was part panic, part grief and threatened to silence my voice.

"You ever see him before tonight? In the saloon? In town?"

"Not that I can remember. But you might want to send someone to the whorehouse...he mentioned he had been there first. Someone might recognize him."

"What did he want with you if he had been to the whorehouse?"

My cheeks and ears burned at this blunt question, and Teaspoon was flustered enough when he heard his own words to falter a minute. He scratched his head, awkward. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. That ain't what I mean, exactly...but the question stands...why would he bother you if he could have what he was after where he was?"

"Danny sent him to me," I hadn't been sure how or if I was going to tell them until the words slipped by my lips. "Or after me, I guess."

Teaspoon, Cody, and Kid all jerked as if an electrical current ran through them simultaneously.

"What do you mean Danny sent him, Lou?" Kid's voice was laced with anger.

I sighed and told them about how Danny had put it in the man's head to come for me. Danny had set that stranger up for a beating just for the pleasure of sending me a message, of troubling me. I shivered. Did Danny know he was sending the man to his death as well? And a gruesome one at that.

And as I spoke, my mind started to make sense of the thing I already knew, the thing causing the weight of the dread in my gut but not yet given clarity.

Danny had sent me another message. This one was to do with what would happen to those who defended me.

I stuttered mid-sentence when a horrifying thought occurred to me. _What if Cody had been the one to drag that stranger outside and beat him? If Danny had seen him come to my defense first? Would it be Cody in the alley with his throat cut instead?_

I shuddered hard enough to send the blanket slipping off my shoulders.

"Lou? What is it?" Cody himself asked as my eyes turned on him with fresh horror.

"I think...I think Danny may have something to do with them...dying."

"You sure about that?" Cody asked. "I met Danny a few times...he is a mean bastard...but a killer? You think he has it in him?"

"You're forgetting the lies he told that got Lou near murdered," Kid reminded Cody. "Remember what they did to her?"

Cody's brow lowered. "I remember," he said simply.

"And if it was really him in the trees yesterday, taking shots at Jimmy and Lou…that's more than trouble." Teaspoon murmured, then reasoned, "then again...it takes a bit of boldness to slit a throat. It's mighty personal. Danny, before now, always stayed pretty distant in his meddling. Ain't no distance in what was done tonight to those men. No hiding from it."

I kept my mouth closed as they discussed it, the possibility that Danny could be so brutal. The truth was, I didn't know. Even though I had suffered at his hands, I wasn't sure I could imagine him drawing a blade across a man's neck just for doing his job as a bodyguard at the saloon, just to make me scared.

Then I remembered the flash in his eyes when I had pulled the gun on him. That had been blind rage. I could believe that in that moment he might have killed me had I not had the draw on him.

I also remembered when he'd had me cornered in the tack room. That anger had been different; more measured, tightly bound. But, beneath his control, there had been a kind of demented joy in his jade eyes as he contemplated making me pay for drawing on him. He'd been like a cat playing with the mouse it meant to kill, slowly.

With those two images bright in my mind, I realized kill he could, and would if he felt like it.

And though it was after the fact, and too late to help Atticus or the man he had used to get to me in another cruel game for his pleasure, I realized I had underestimated Danny.

Teaspoon must have read the fear on my face just before he stood up abruptly. "Let's go find Danny. Whorehouse is a good place to start. Kid, Cody you are with me. Noah, you and Ike take Lou home and set up a watch with the others. Barnett, talk to this young lady when she is able," he motioned toward Angel, still huddled in the chair.

The marshal's office, which had been packed with people before, suddenly was empty save me, Barnett, and Angel.

Angel still sat huddled in the chair. I closed my eyes and could still imagine her terrified screaming at her grisly discovery. She must have gone out after confronting me for some space and air, and wandered upon them. At least I had known I was going to see something awful, had been warned by her. The shock she had felt must have been immense. Pity overwhelmed me, and I crouched before her, putting my hand over the one laying limp in her lap.

Her eyes swiveled toward me as she studied my face.

Barnett murmured that he'd be back and asked if we were all right if he stepped outside a moment. I nodded; I was just waiting on Noah and Ike to bring the horses around, but I didn't mind sitting with Angel until he came back in.

Once Barnett paced the porch, Angel withdrew her hand from mine. Her eyes, which had been tearful and vague, suddenly sharpened, though new tears filled them.

"He has Hickok. Told me he'd slit my throat too if I didn't tell you that."

Blood roared through my body, every part of me instantly ready for war.

"What?"

"You heard me. He said he is five miles north of town at an abandoned homestead. I reckon its the old Bartlett place. He said come alone or he'd cut Wild Bill's throat like the others before you got within a hundred feet of him."

I had been crouching on bunched up legs in front of Angel. At this, my legs gave out and I fell back hard on my bottom.

"You tell him I told you what I was supposed to...the blonde man. You tell him I ain't telling nobody else like he said," Angel suddenly hissed, leaning down and taking my chin hard in her hands and forcing me to meet her eyes. "You tell him that before he kills you like he did them, you hear me? Don't you get me killed too, damn it!"

 _Jimmy_. Danny had Jimmy. There was a good chance Danny had killed him already. But maybe, just maybe, Danny would resist holding off on killing Jimmy until I was there. He could make us both suffer so much more if the other was forced to watch.

As dark as that thought was, I clung to it like a beacon of hope.

"You buy me some time," I growled at Angel, and then made a dash for the back door of the jail.

* * *

I had a massive block with how to bridge where I was to where I was going, and that long break for grading didn't help...but finally got this together last night. Now I'm rolling again, I think. 


	23. Chapter 22: Undetected

Chapter 22: Undetected

Every rapid beat of my heart pounded in my temples, throbbed behind my eyes. I was awash in terror as I let myself out into the back alley behind the marshal's office, not so very different from the one that Atticus had been slain in. I ran in panic, staying in the shadows, close to the buildings as much for shelter from the driving wind as for the cover of darkness.

The snow was coming harder now, there was thunder at intervals, it sounded strange in the snowy sky, more like the shattering growl of a wild cat than the deep booming I was used to hearing in summer storms. There were flashes of lightning, even more blinding when their purple brilliance glinted off the rapidly whitening world.

Jimmy. He had Jimmy. _How_ did he have Jimmy? Jimmy was supposed to be home, guarding the station.

Jimmy had been furious to be asked to stay behind. Jimmy had been ready to turn over every rock in Sweetwater and seek out Danny. I supposed he had set out to do just that as soon as Noah and Ike had gotten home from escorting me to work to take up watch, Teaspoon's orders be damned.

Somehow Danny had gotten the best of Jimmy, even though Jimmy was a man accustomed to listening for the fall of footsteps at his back. Jimmy would have been on alert too, knowing Danny would be looking for an advantage. How the hell had Danny bested him and delivered him north of town? He would have had to hurt Jimmy badly to do it, I was sure.

Another thought occurred to me, and I paused, swayed against the rough wood wall of a building, my breath coming in hitching gasps that had nothing to do with exertion. Was it possible that Danny had lied to Angel, and I ran toward my destruction on a falsehood? A simple lie? A trick? Should I ride out to the station to make sure Jimmy wasn't there, restless and in a foul mood for being forced to sit home all evening for something so small as a bullet wound that had drained him of a healthy volume of his blood?

If I went home, there would be no riding out again. Not alone anyway; I would be watched like a hawk after what had happened tonight in town. This was my only chance to do as Danny had demanded; and if he did have Jimmy, every minute Danny waited for me was one more minute he might be contemplating using his knife on Jimmy out of sheer boredom, meanness, or frustration. The others did not have the understanding of Danny that I did now. And if they underestimated him as I had, Jimmy could die.

Chills rose along my arms, unrelated to the cold air.

I pushed off the wall and headed back into the wind. Danny had not bluffed yet; at several turns he had followed through on his threats. I had to go, and I had to go fast, and I had to go without being seen by anyone who would try to stop me.

The saloon was on the way to the livery stable, and I ducked into the back room from the service door in the rear of the building. I had never heard the saloon so quiet, I thought, and then realized that Billy had actually closed for business in the first time in the saloon's history as far as I knew; the door had not been locked because none of the doors had ever needed locking.

I seized the bag with my gun and tore the velvet away from the steel. There was very little chance Danny would give me a chance to use it, but I slipped the revolver into the band of my underskirts, and the cold metal against the small of my back was a comforting weight. Thinking the better of it, I went to the small kitchen where food was prepared and rifled through the drawers, finding a knife there. I unsheathed it, inspected it to see that it looked sharp, put it back in it's case and slipped it into the top of my boot.

It was the best I could do, and likely not enough, but the having of the weapons made me feel better.

The livery stable was dark and quiet too; apparently the excitement from earlier had died quickly, and without whiskey and a warm saloon to discuss it in, men had gone home as the weather worsened. Noah and Ike had gone with their horses and mine, and were probably at the marshal's office by now to fetch me home. I hoped Angel had the sense to do as I had asked and buy me some time. One thing I knew for certain, the selfish girl certainly wouldn't risk her own throat to tell them the truth of where I had gone. If she could stall or misdirect them just long enough for me to get out of town, I would not be followed.

Going alone and unnoticed worked in my favor now, until I could get there and see if I could save Jimmy. If I couldn't, there would be no one else who could find us to save either of us.

Noah and Ike had my horse, so I'd have to take another. Katy nickered a greeting at me from over her stall door, but I wouldn't risk anything happening to Kid's beloved horse. Cody's dark bay and Teaspoon's black gelding both peered curiously at me as I stood there before both of them. In the end, I decided on Teaspoon's horse, Star, thinking Teaspoon would be the last to leave town and maybe the last to miss his horse on some off chance I wasn't missed before then. I knew Teaspoon loved Jimmy especially out of all of us. He'd understand why I had to go, I hoped fervently.

I didn't bother with a saddle; I was too anxious to get out of town and to Jimmy. Besides, the horse's warmth would be welcome given that I was in no way dressed for a blizzard. I managed to find an old, musty smelling blanket on a hook in the stable, and I stole it too to wrap around my head and shoulders. Using an overturned bucket, I hauled myself onto Star.

I rode out the back of the stable, and kept the horse in the shadows as long as possible, halting him at every crossroads and being sure the street was deserted before I moved into the next row of cover. I was thankful that the brothel Teaspoon and the others searched was on the opposite side of town and the weather had driven everyone else inside. I felt like a horse thief, guessed with mirthless irony that I was.

At the edge of town, I passed the church, murmured a prayer, and turned the horse's head to the north.

* * *

"Lou?" Noah called for the second time from where he sat on his horse in front of the marshal's office. "You ready to come on out?" To Ike he muttered, "Is there a woman in the world who don't like to keep a man waiting?"

Ike shrugged, noncommittally, but he was fidgeting in his saddle too.

Barnett wandered up from across the street. "I"ll get her."

"Thought you were supposed to stay with them, Barnett," Noah commented.

The deputy gave him a sheepish look, "had to answer a call of nature, all right? I'll send her out."

Noah shook his head and shifted impatiently in his saddle, shivering in the blast of wind that set his horse to dancing. He was ready to be out of this mess; Teaspoon's assurance they were getting snow had been an understatement. This was shaking out to be a full-on blizzard and he didn't want to be caught up in it when the worst hit.

He glanced at Ike; Ike's mouth was set in a grim line as well and Noah could sense the anxiousness in him to get moving too.

"What the hell is taking him so long? The office ain't so big she'd be hard to spot," Noah finally muttered when several more minutes had ticked by. "Here, I'll get her." He tossed Lightning's reins to Ike, and dismounted, looping his own reins around the hitching post. "I bet the fool forgot to tell her we were out here waiting."

Noah walked in the office to find the saloon girl they'd left there in hysterics, crying on the floor. Barnett was awkwardly kneeling beside her, trying to pat her like he might a dog, which seemed to make her carry on even louder. There was pure panic in Barnett's eyes when he met Noah's. Clearly, Barnett's hands were too full to look for Lou.

"Lou, we got the horses. Come on, let's go on home before this storm gets any worse!" Noah called impatiently, scanning the office. When silence greeted him, he crossed the office and peered into the back room. It was empty.

With worry edging into his voice he walked back out into the main room. "Barnett, where's Lou?"

"She was right here when I left. She ain't in the back room?" he asked distractedly from where he was trying to scoop the limp Angel off the floor and pour her back into her chair.

"She ain't here. Miss, did you see where she went?" Noah asked the saloon girl, and suffered through a long moment of what seemed to be intense concentration on the girl's part at what he thought was a relatively straight-forward question.

"Tom took her home. She got antsy with the weather. Tom stopped by on his way out of town and he offered to give her a ride home. I think the poor girl was ready to fall over with exhaustion and wanted to go home." And with that, Angel began wailing again, "I want to go home too, Deputy! When can I go home?"

Noah stood a beat longer, watching the blonde woman, who was weeping again- weeping _still,_ he corrected himself. Noah lowered his brow. It didn't seem like Lou to just leave when she knew they were coming to take her home; but then again with the alternative being to wait around in the office with the wailing woman he watched now, he wasn't sure he blamed her for getting a head start out of town. He pitied Barnett for the possibility of being snowed in with her, pretty as she was. Still, Noah didn't think Lou would leave without them. Then again, there had been such chaos, he thought, maybe Lou had not realized he and Ike were taking her home. Maybe she hadn't heard, and was afraid she'd been forgotten in the confusion. He couldn't blame her for not wanting to spend this night in the drafty jailhouse.

"You're sure? Tom took her?" Noah knew Tom was a good man and a friend to Lou, and that thought relaxed him some, although something wasn't sitting right in the pit of his stomach.

Angel wailed in response and Noah decided to take it as a yes.

Ike's look of bewilderment at the news that Lou had gone ahead was enough to make Noah even more uneasy, but without a lot of choice and with all evidence pointing to Lou's not being in town any longer, they rode for the station in rapidly worsening conditions.

* * *

The blizzard made for a changed world, the landscape foreign to me as the moon. The countryside was lit as if from within, making it lighter than usual, but the blowing snow made it impossible to distinguish anything past the horse's ears. I hoped we were heading in the right direction still; it was pure foolishness to be out in this kind of storm. People froze to death in blizzards like this every winter going shorter distances than I was traveling tonight when the wall of white disoriented them.

The snow already covered the horse's fetlocks, piling ever higher towards his knees. In some areas where the wind had created drifts, the snow brushed the bottom of my heeled boots.

I was miserable, the cold was as painful as a weapon. It sliced against my exposed cheeks like blades, I could feel my knuckles cracking open, and I wasn't sure if I could have straightened my fingers to release the reins. My lungs burned with each icy breath.

"Please," I whispered, and leaned low on Star's neck, trying to share warmth with the horse. Ice crystals were forming on the poor animal's mane as his body heat warmed them, only to be refrozen by the wind.

It should have taken only a few minutes to ride to the Bartlett place. The old man had died last summer, had not been found for weeks. His children had moved East and not yet made the trip West to settle the estate, so the property had been abandoned for months as far as I knew. There was no real road north of town, even without a blizzard it was not a place anyone was likely to happen by. I wondered if Danny knew that, or if he had just gotten lucky. Something told me he had done research, had thought things through very carefully where me and Jimmy were concerned. It was a thought as chilling as the relentless snow.

I was surrounded by white. The snow drove down as with the intent to bury the horse and me alive. It was in front of me, behind me, on all sides. It settled on the dark horse, and on the old blanket I had for warmth. I felt as if I was becoming part of the whiteness, as if it were taking me slowly. I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed, couldn't tell if I was still cold or not after a time as we trudged slowly onward, aimless and blind.

When the horse suddenly stopped, I barely noticed at first. Then he nickered and shook his head hard and I realized the snow was flying off of him, but no longer coming from above. An answering nicker from a nearby horse jolted me out of what I supposed was near-unconsciousness.

Star had, without help from me, managed to find shelter in a barn.

I half-sobbed when I saw Jimmy's palomino there along with a chestnut horse I did not recognize. I had hoped against hope that when I arrived at the Bartlett place I would find that Jimmy had not been taken after all. If Jimmy was safe, I would bear whatever came next, fight it as hard as I could, and hope to come out alive.

But with Jimmy there, I knew everything was going to be more difficult, more dangerous. I knew that Danny had leverage, would not be scared to use it, and I wasn't confident that I could save Jimmy, let alone both of us.

But I had to try.

I slid off the horse and despite my efforts to be silent, I yelped in pain when my ankles took my weight after the cold had slowed my circulation. It felt as if a thousand tiny needles pierced the skin there and I stood leaning on the horse, breathing hard, trying to decide if I could even walk the distance to the small farmhouse where I assumed Danny held his prisoner.

I let the blanket fall to the ground. It had frozen into a stiff outline of me with the wind and had nothing left to offer me in terms of warmth or security. I squinted against the blinding whiteness of the blizzard at the doorway to the barn, found a darker shape that approximated a house. As I studied it, I saw that Danny had left a porch lantern hanging at the house, saw that widows flickered with warm light that meant there was a fire inside. I made a small keening sound at the mere thought of warmth, no matter the other horrors inside with it.

I trudged through the snow; it was mid-thigh and it bit me like fangs. I wondered if I would make it to the porch at all, but I did. My teeth were chattering audibly and I could not control the trembling of my hands. I wasn't sure I could draw my gun if I had to, but I still found comfort in the cold metal against my skin. I looked back where I had come from. My footsteps had already been covered over by the gusting wind, as I'm sure, had Star's tracks. Whatever happened here tonight, there would be no help until the storm had blown out.

The windows were frosted with ice crystals. I watched through one a moment for signs of movement, but there was none save the shifting shadows the fire threw. I blew into my trembling hands, nearly sobbing in pain as I tried to work feeling enough back into them to handle my gun. When at last I could at least bend my fingers around the handle and trigger, I moved to the front door and stepped silently inside the unlocked door.

I wasn't sure why I was surprised to find the door unlocked; I was, after all, invited. Summoned even.

The first thing I saw when I stood in the doorway was Jimmy. He was sitting in the chair near the fire, a gag tied so ruthlessly through his mouth that his lips were forced apart. It looked as if it might cut his head in two. His face was blackened and bloodied. He was trussed up impossibly to the chair, I saw the blood covering his sleeve where his wound had reopened.

But he was alive. His eyes were open.

When Jimmy saw me, I saw devastation rule his battered face, saw horror and defeat wash through his eyes.

"See, I told you she'd be along," Danny's voice was calm, yet I leaped a foot in fear at the sound of it. My eyes shifted to the far side of the fire, to the shadowed corner, where he sat, his gun pointed casually at Jimmy's head. "Looks like I do know her better than you do."

He was speaking to Jimmy, as if continuing a one-sided chat they had been having while Jimmy was bound and gagged.

Then, Danny's predatory eyes swept to me, studied me in an unhurried manner. "It's cold outside. Close the door, Louise," Danny said conversationally. "And we'll get started."


	24. Chapter 23: Unhinged

Chapter 23: Unhinged

He could see someone on the other side of the window, a darker shape beyond the frosted glass. He strained against the ties that bound him with every ounce of will he had in him, found himself surprised and dismayed when it wasn't enough. How could it not be enough? How could he not want to save her badly enough to just overcome the ropes? He tried to scream around the gag in his mouth for her to run, tried until he felt light-headed with the effort, but only a thin sound escaped, nothing to rival the howling wind outside. Next, he tried to tilt the chair over with himself in it, to alert her with a crash.

Danny had thought of it. Had fixed the chair to the floor long before he had gotten him there. Danny watched his struggle with quiet amusement, did nothing to stop it.

"It won't be long now," he said to Jimmy in a conspiratorial manner, and Jimmy howled impotently against the gag again.

Jimmy felt near the threshold of his limits, knew he needed to save some strength, knew he had to stay conscious and alert for Lou. Surely, he thought, the others were with her, though Danny seemed confident enough that they weren't that he hadn't even gone to look out the window when they heard steps on the porch.

But she couldn't be alone. There was no way, with the danger she was in, that she would not have been watched every minute of the night; no chance that Cody, or Teaspoon, or one of the others would have given her a chance to be extorted by the messenger Danny had chosen. _Please, God,_ he prayed for that to be true.

Maybe Lou hadn't fallen for it at all. Maybe it was a posse outside, and she was safe. Maybe she wouldn't be such a fool with her own life as to do what Danny had told her to do: come alone and come quickly.

He'd been just such a fool. Danny's note had been delivered to him at the station by a man he'd never seen before just after sundown. Danny had written that he had Lou and to come alone or that he would slit her throat on the spot. Jimmy had not given it a second thought as he left his post at the station without a word to anyone. He'd walked into the trap Danny had set neatly. The messenger was there with Danny, it had taken both of them, their fists and boots and butts of their guns, to bring him down, but bring him down they had.

Jimmy had been blinded by fear for Lou and they had bested him; he wasn't a stranger to the feeling of terror that she was in dangerous hands. He had felt this panic before, when Hopkins had gotten hold of her in Willow Springs. Had acted on pure instinct earlier this evening just as he had then, riding knowingly into danger.

This agony was much, much stronger. Hopkins had only wanted even odds, and Jimmy had thought it unlikely that one-armed he could do much damage to Lou if he had been inclined, which Jimmy thought he wouldn't be. Danny, as far as he could tell, wanted to destroy them both for the pleasure of it.

When the door opened letting in a blast of frozen air, he wished and prayed and offered God any number of promises for it not to be her on the other side.

But it was. She was, inexplicably, dressed only in her saloon dress. No coat, no gloves. She was white as a ghost and her teeth were chattering wildly behind lips going blue with cold. The wind had pulled down her hair the way it always did, and white flakes still clung there among the darker auburn strands.

She was tiny and she was fierce, and the sight of her there, looking like a frozen warrior hollowed him with devastation, because he didn't know how he would save her when he couldn't even say her name or lift his arms.

She had come to save _him_. Though he had never had reason to doubt her abilities, Jimmy thought it was likely that she didn't understand that Danny had made sure that there was no way out for either of them, whatever she was going to do to save him, it wasn't going to.

Her eyes met his, and he saw her shoulders sag with relief that he was still alive. He watched in distress as she took careful stock of his physical condition. He had been beaten but it was of little consequence compared to what she was in for if she didn't run for her life. Her gun was in her hand at her side. He shook his head slightly at her, telling her no, trying to make her understand that she had to go.

Even as he did it, he realized there was a blizzard outside. There was nowhere to go.

"See, I told you she'd be along. Looks like I do know her better than you do." Jimmy registered the words, but didn't look away from Lou. She had startled at the voice and her eyes left him to turn toward Danny, sitting comfortably in the other armchair by the fire. She was whiter than a ghost with cold, but he thought he saw her go even more pale.

Fire snapped in her eyes as she stared at Danny, he'd never seen such hatred in her expression.

"It's cold outside. Close the door, Louise. And we'll get started."

Jimmy watched her take in the situation, saw the column of her throat constrict as she swallowed hard. Her eyes shifted back to him, and he knew she had seen the gun Danny held pointed at his head. He had hoped she would not see; that she'd take the shot at Danny anyway.

Instead, she stepped into the house and kicked the door shut behind her, looking back to Danny. Jimmy glanced at Danny when he stirred, climbed to his feet. Though he knew it was useless, Jimmy struggled against the ropes once more. Danny walked behind Jimmy's chair, and Jimmy grunted when he pressed the barrel hard to the temple that he had been clubbed in earlier.

"Drop the gun, Sugar. Now."

Jimmy shook his head violently at Lou, but her eyes were only for the gun on him. Jimmy closed his eyes in defeat as her gun clattered to the floor.

"That's such a good girl," Danny praised her, and left Jimmy's side to walk towards her.

To her credit, she stood motionless, showing no signs of fear as he approached her. Then Jimmy couldn't see her at all, for Danny stood directly between them, blocking his view of her small form.

"I told you that I'd have you," Danny murmured to her, almost gently.

"And now you do. Let him go," Lou's voice was not as steady as her stance, "By the time he can fetch any help, you and I will be done with our business."

"I think he can be of use to me. Assure your continued...cooperation, Louise." Jimmy saw Danny reach out to touch some part of her, but could not see where, could not see her reaction to it. "Besides, he had the nerve to interfere in our business, Louise. Came after me to defend your honor, caused a pretty big scene in Fort Laramie. He's been involved in what's going on between us for awhile now, he might as well see it through. But, I thought we agreed that you weren't going to tell anyone about our deal?"

Lou didn't respond immediately and Jimmy couldn't defend her, couldn't assure Danny that Lou had not been the one to tell him, that he had pieced it together, had guessed. Never in a million years had he imagined his actions coming back around on Lou this way.

Finally, Lou said in a low voice that Jimmy imagined he wasn't supposed to hear, "I'll give you my word that whatever you want, I'll do it. Anything you want. If you just let him go. I won't fight."

Jimmy growled inaudibly at this suggestion from Lou.

"I don't mind you fighting a bit and I don't need your word, darlin'. Not when I have him here. I think you'll do anything I can dream up to save him. And you haven't really kept your promises to me so far, have you? Even though I've held to my word at every turn. Besides, I think it might be interesting for your hero to know what you really are, don't you?"

Lou's voice was barely a whisper. "He already knows. He knows what I really am. Let him go and I swear I'll make it worth your while."

"He stays," Danny said with finality and then shifted so that Jimmy could see her again, standing with her head bowed before him. Danny reached out to cradle her cheek, then his fingers plucked at the fabric along the neckline of her dress. His hand then moved up, fingers touching the top of her breasts. Jimmy closed his eyes, felt sickness coming on. "Louise that dress is soaked through. You are close to actually freezing. Did your Mama not teach you to put on a coat when it's cold outside? Well, there's not help for it. Let's have it off and you can come sit with us by the fire to warm up."

Lou jerked back from his touch, though she had just promised him she wouldn't, murder in her eyes. Without missing a beat, Danny raised the the gun and fired a shot almost blindly behind him, towards Jimmy. It plowed into the mantle just behind Jimmy's head, momentarily deafening him.

"Stop!" She screamed, sobbing, even after she saw that Danny had aimed wide, that he'd not actually been hit. Voice shaking, she promised, "I'll do it, please just stop!"

"You see what I mean about your cooperation, I see." Danny commented as Lou struggled to reach back for the laces on the dress with fingers that were now shaking wildly. "Here, darling, allow me."

Danny walked behind Lou, and Lou slowly raised her eyes to meet Jimmy's, horror in them. Jimmy shook his head, tears standing in his own eyes, begging her to understand that he placed the value of his life somewhere far below the value of her soul and her spirit. She was about to trade both for him, and it was a bad deal. He knew he was dead either way, wasn't sure she wasn't bound for the same fate when Danny was done with her if she didn't fight him now before he weakened her.

The dark dress fell to the floor around her feet and Jimmy averted his eyes out of respect for her dignity, his own cheeks burning for what must have been her shame.

Danny laughed and addressed his turned head. "Well, this is a surprise. I assumed you'd already seen all of her there was to see, and had what there was to have, Hickock. How pleasant to know that I'll be taking something you seem to want enough to die for but haven't had yet after all. I'm downright tickled."

Jimmy clenched his teeth harder around the gag, but did not look up. Any reaction he had might bring Lou trouble, and she already was in plenty of it on his behalf.

"Go ahead and have a look at her Hickock. She's really very well-made. Who would have ever thought such a sickly looking boy could be such a fine woman? I don't know how you've slept in the same bunkhouse with her night after night without ever trying her out."

When Jimmy's eyes remained downcast, blood beating in his temples, Danny raised his voice. "I said _look at her_ dammit!"

"Jimmy, it's alright," Lou's voice was quiet, serene almost. Distant.

Not sure what choice he had, and knowing that if Lou's cooperation was at the expense of his hide, then his cooperation would be at the expense of hers, he reluctantly raised his gaze. She still had on a thin white chemise, and though it did not leave much to the imagination, he was glad of it for her modesty. He didn't look at her body, but rather resolutely at her face, trying to gauge her mental state, her strength to see herself through this nightmare.

Her eyes bore into his, but they seemed shuttered, like she'd closed down and gone somewhere else, as Danny moved behind her. He holstered his gun as he wrapped one hand around her waist and the other lightly around her throat. Blood, driven by fury, surged into Jimmy's face when the hand on Lou's waist rose higher, and Danny took her breast in his hand through the material. He made a vulgar remark about the cold, wondered aloud if she was frozen everywhere, and moved his hand lower.

Jimmy looked away in disgust, but at Danny's sharp command, made himself look back up. Lou's head was turned away, her eyes closed as she stood and bore the unwelcome touch. Danny bent down to kiss the long length of Lou's neck, and she flinched briefly, but then went still again.

Jimmy, on the other hand, curled his lips back further around the gag and nearly choked on it again.

"I think...I think we'll remove our friend's gag. It might be interesting to hear what he has to say about tonight's events. Louise, will you do the honors?"

Lou looked up at him as if uncertain if he meant it, and Danny nodded in encouragement.

She flew to him, almost as if she feared Danny would change his mind. She launched herself into his lap, and losing her control for the first time, broke into sobs as she wound her arms around his neck, burying her face there. He was shocked at how cold she was, like marble under ice, and he wanted more than anything to put his hands on her, around her, and give her his warmth and strength and the protection of his body and his guns.

It felt like a mortal blow that he could not.

"I'm so sorry, Jimmy," she cried, great gasping sobs. "I"m so sorry for this."

Jimmy realized that in likelihood it would be the last touch of her he would have in this life, and possibly the last friendly touch of her life as well. He leaned his head into hers, grief washing through him at what she was about to endure. He thought she was strong enough to bear it; but he doubted he was.

"Enough!" Danny roared. "Get the gag off him and get over here!"

Lou clung to him just a moment longer, and then sat up. With her eyes holding his, Jimmy couldn't look away from her gaze as she reached around his head and fumbled with the knot in back that held the gag in place. She worked on it slowly, aimlessly, stretching out their time together, he thought, postponing the inevitable.

He felt her calming down as she sat there, in his lap, as if she felt safe in his keeping though he couldn't keep her, couldn't help her, and she had to know that. Resolve formed in her eyes and as the knot slipped free she murmured, "please don't think less of me, whatever happens next."

The corners of Jimmy's lips were split open and bleeding as she peeled the cloth gently away.

"There's no chance of that, Lou. Not ever," he said in a voice hoarse from his efforts to warn her around the gag. "No chance." Lowering his voice, he whispered a breath from her ear, "Lou, he is gonna kill me anyway. Save yourself."

"I-I can bear it, Jimmy. I've...I know what is going to happen, and I can bear it. Remember that, whatever you see or hear."

She leaned forward for just a moment, resting her head against his chest, just below his chin, feeling his rapid heartbeat beneath her ear.

"You know I love you?" she asked quietly.

Jimmy's release of air at those words was almost a sob, and tears fell from his eyes, dropped from his jaw onto the top of her head. "I do now. You know I..." he began and she nodded before he finished his sentence and there was some measure of peace that came over both of them with that cleared up.

"Enough!" Danny's patience was gone, and he seemed displeased that Lou suddenly seemed collected. Jimmy eyed him, realized that Danny wanted her afraid, panicked, that it was that that excited him, more than the woman herself.

"Go on," Jimmy urged Lou quietly. "Don't make him mad, but keep your wits about you."

She nodded and slowly climbed off his lap. Standing between the two chairs and by the fire, she leaned down and unlaced her boots slowly, almost seductively. The firelight made the thin white fabric of the chemise merely a formality and Jimmy again looked away, ears burning, heart sick.

* * *

Danny edged down in his chair, seemed transfixed as I leaned down to unlace my boots. He keenly studied my every move like a cat watches its prey before pouncing. The knife was still heavy against my ankle. My gun had been kicked somewhere into the shadows beyond the front door, lost to me, and the knife was the only hope we had left. I contemplated seizing it now and making a lunge for Danny, but I didn't have the skill or speed with a blade I would need to make a direct assault. I stepped out of the first boot, placed it neatly behind me, close to Jimmy's chair. As I leaned down to unlace the second boot, giving Danny a good look down the front of the chemise, I glanced back enough to see where Jimmy's hand was tied down by his side. It was his bad arm, the one that had been shot that was on my side, and I had no idea how much if any use he had of it at the moment. It was bad luck, but there was no help for it. It was all I could think of.

With my heart in my throat, for both of our lives depended on what happened next, I slipped my foot from the other boot and quickly placed it by its mate, and then without looking back, I stepped forward to Danny, standing before his chair submissively. I waited for him to look behind me, to see the knife in the boot, but he simply stared at me, watching my face.

"Take it off," he ordered, reaching out to touch the white cotton that stopped just above my knees. "I'd like to see all of you, and I'm sure Wild Bill here feels the same."

I glanced at Jimmy, saw him watching me inscrutably. I glanced down at my boots pointedly as Danny grasped the hem of the undergarment and pulled it upwards. Just before the material covered my face on its way off my body, I saw Jimmy look in confusion toward the floor.

I prayed that he could see the knife there as the chemise cleared my obediently raised arms. Gooseflesh broke out along my skin at the warmth of the fire that washed over me.

Danny sat back down and I stood before him, eyes downcast as he studied me at his leisure. I was desperate to look at Jimmy, to see some confirmation that he understood that there was something in that boot that could maybe some how, some way save us, but I didn't dare. I was too terrified at what Danny would do to Jimmy if he was caught reaching for my knife to even feel shame to be standing there, naked before two men, one my best friend and one my worst enemy.

"Come here," Danny said and pulled me into his lap. I went with no resistance, knew that the best thing I could do was to distract Danny enough that Jimmy might have an opportunity to free himself. Danny had set the gun on the table on the far side of the fire, easily within his reach, but not currently in his hand.

"Kiss me. No biting this time," Danny warned and put his hand through the hair at the base of my skull, as if to hold me still.

He needn't have. He had the upper hand, and the more I occupied him, the better chance I survived and Jimmy survived. I'd pour over the violation and the morality of it all later; for now, survival was my goal. I understood how to do that.

I tolerated the invasion of his tongue in my mouth and his wandering hands. I shifted a bit, and he took it as protest, and kissed me more forcefully, his excitement growing. I finally dared a look at Jimmy, saw that he was looking away from both of us. My eyes glanced towards my boot, but I couldn't tell from this angle if the knife was still there or not.

I was crestfallen. It hadn't worked.

Danny chuckled and pulled back, shaking his head at me. "I told you all women were whores, if you just found the pressure point. She feels pretty good, Hickok. Sorry you never got a chance to find that out."

Jimmy, who had not uttered a word to Danny since I ungagged him, glanced at Danny, met his eyes. Keeping his voice neutral, he said deliberately, "Probably for the best. When it comes to women, my hands just got a mind of their own."

I bent my head forward and drew a shuddering breath that turned into a sob that I couldn't stop in time. I hoped Danny might think it was just nervousness or despair.

In fact, it was relief. I knew then that Jimmy had the knife. He'd said those same words to me once before, when both of us had been tied up in a fur trapper's hideout, and facing likely death. I had told him to work to free us from the ropes we had been tied up with when his hands had leisurely brushed my bottom.

 _The ropes, Jimmy, the ropes!_ I had growled as he chuckled. _Sorry, Lou. When it comes to women my hands just got a mind of their own,_ he'd said as he worked us free.

He had a means to free himself, to defend himself and me if he succeeded. It was risky, there was certainly no guarantee the knife would be useful or that Jimmy could get the leverage he needed to get free, and that he could do it before Danny noticed.

But what his words had given me was precious and I tucked it into my soul like a pearl.

It was hope.

* * *

A/N: As you might have noticed...I've been on a bit of streak, with the volume of the words at least. I hope you enjoy reading them!


	25. Chapter 24: Undertow

Chapter 24: Undertow

 _A/N: Scenes of violence and suggested violence in this chapter, some graphic, but never gratuitous._

* * *

"I was surprised to find you working in the saloon," Danny told me, running his hands down the length of my legs as he held me on his lap. It was too intimate, too casual and I was trembling. "You seemed to think yourself above all that."

Despite my absolute mandate to myself that I must be calm, fury bubbled up and I spat, "You cost me the job I wanted...I didn't have so many choices."

I fidgeted, tension in every muscle and sinew. The agony of waiting for Danny to do whatever he planned to do was like a great pressure on my chest. I knew this was part of his fun, the drawing out of the dread for me, the anticipation for himself. I also knew Jimmy would not dare to try to free himself with us sitting quietly by the fire. Danny was going to have to be distracted somehow, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to get on with it or not.

"You were wasted on the Express."

"Is that what you told that man you sent after me tonight?" I asked without real heat.

"You were his reward for helping me get Hickok here ready for our time together. Or so I told him. I figured you'd be able to fight him off or get one of your guards to do it for you. Didn't matter either way to me."

"And then you killed him? And Atticus? Atticus was just doing his job. He didn't deserve to die that way."

I saw Jimmy straighten in surprise out of the corner of my eye. He hadn't known about Atticus, I guessed. I wondered just how many hours he had been tied to that chair.

"My new friend got a little greedy when you didn't turn out to be as accommodating as I let on. Started threatening to talk. I cut his throat to make it more difficult for him to do so. Dead men are better at secrets, I've discovered."

"But Atticus?"

"Interrupted me when I was having a talk with your little blonde friend about giving you the message. Actually seeing me cut the big man's throat seemed much more convincing than just finding old John in the alley. My ears still hurt after all that screaming."

"So much bloodshed...for what? For _this_?" I murmured almost to myself, bewildered. "Why?"

"Because you drew on me and once I saw you were a woman, killing you for it seemed too easy."

I was sorry I asked, felt everything in me recoiling from the monster in front of me speaking in such reasonable tones about murder from behind such a handsome face.

He watched my eyes. "Good. Now I can see your fear is back." He leaned close to my neck. Breathed deeply along my skin. "Smell it." And then his tongue swept up my throat. "Taste it even, like I did that first day in the tack room. It was so hard to let you go. To wait for you so long has been so hard to me, truly."

He said it like a compliment. I tried to keep my breathing calm, but I could feel the beginnings of panic, and all my resolve to meet Danny stoically and endure him without fighting back was quickly dissolving. I didn't think I could do this, bear this, despite my bravado with Jimmy.

"If you really aren't a whore, this night is going to be very...educational for you. Hell, Wild Bill might find it educational too. At the very least he is going to learn how far you bend before you break. My guess is very, very far. I've put considerable time into this on that belief so I certainly hope you won't disappoint me."

I heard Jimmy's sharp intake of air during this speech from Danny, but could not bring myself to look at him. My skin crawled into chills.

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him not to hurt me, self-preservation instincts rising in the face of his frank admission that he wanted to see how much I could stand...to what end exactly I wondered. Did he mean to break my body, my spirit, or both? I didn't know the answer, couldn't guess, and didn't want to.

I did not beg, or plead in the end. We were far beyond it anyway.

Jimmy had not yet arrived where I was. "You don't have to do this...you can take out your revenge on me. You could be the one to kill Wild Bill. What kind of man hurts a woman half his size? What satisfaction could there be in that?"

Danny chuckled. "Told you it was gonna be educational, Hickok." He was unperturbed at having his manhood questioned. In an easy motion Danny stood with me in his arms, but let me down suddenly. I almost fell, but regained my footing. I hugged my arms around myself, miserable, embarrassed, and terrified. I was also freezing, I felt like my veins ran with icy water, thin and biting.

"On your knees."

"No!" Jimmy bellowed, and I took a step backwards, ready to bolt, though there was nowhere to go.

"Don't make me put holes in your friend, Sugar. Do it."

And without waiting for my submission, which I would have given with Jimmy threatened, he yanked my hair back hard with one hand and drove me down with the other hand hard on my shoulder.

My knees hit the wood floor with a painful thump.

Danny chuckled. Stood above me. "That's a sight. You kneeling there in the firelight, just waiting for me. Hickok, tell me you ain't thought about her just like this in your dreams."

I flinched.

"Never like this." Jimmy's disagreement was a hoarse whisper, choked with emotion. "Don't...don't hurt her, Danny. There's no need to hurt her. I started this fight with you...let it finish with me."

"I know. I seem to remember you getting spitting mad over me just talking about a girl in town I had my eye on. A stranger to you. I wonder what this must feel like, you seeing me with a girl you...what would you call it... _love_? _Do_ you love her Hickok?"

Jimmy didn't respond and I knew he was weighing the effect of his answer one way versus the other in terms of the consequence to me.

"Answer me. Does she mean so much to you that you'd trade your life for her honor?"

"Yes," Jimmy said with simple conviction and I watched my own tear fall and make a shiny drop on the dusty floor before my knees. I still could not bear to look at Jimmy, to see him see me this way, to read what was on his face.

"Then this is going to be a very frustrating night for you," Danny promised and came to stand above me.

A strange thing had happened to me with Wicks. I had tried to explain it to Jimmy yesterday...had it only been yesterday? But I had failed in finding the words. I had never spoken of it before then, had by long habit tried not to think of it.

As things had unfolded that night, I had felt as if I sank somewhere deep inside myself, far, far below the surface. I felt occasional sympathy pains for the girl above, the girl I had been just a few minutes before, could feel her struggling, knew she must be terrified, but I was too far in the abyss to have anything but a vague understanding of the storm raging above at the surface.

I was now sinking, sinking back to that place from which I had not been able to rise for years, the current of detachment pulling me down and down and down like an undertow.

So it felt like someone else Danny reached down and grabbed by a fistful of hair, someone else that watched as he fumbled with his belt, someone else that recoiled as Danny revealed himself, brushing against her face with hard, hot skin, and a harsh warning not to bite.

Could it matter? I wondered. After everything the girl above had been through, could this really matter? There had been so much cruelty in her life, what was this one small indignity? What would be the harm in submitting? In parting her lips and accepting what was likely to happen whether she fought or not?

Did it matter? The enraged roars coming from Jimmy from up on the surface seemed to indicate it mattered to him a great deal.

Then, I was rising, because I had people who loved me and people who had taught me my own worth, and they lived at the surface.

So, when Danny twisted my hair even more brutally and tried to force himself past my lips and tightly clenched teeth, I bit him. Hard.

The world exploded in front of my eyes and I blinked in confusion as everything in the room tilted, realizing only after my face hit the hard floor that it was me that had fallen over after Danny struck me, and that I was looking at my discarded boots and the fire as I lay there stunned.

I heard Danny howling and cursing and I was pretty sure what I had just done had rapidly accelerated the evening's schedule. I gathered myself and leapt to my feet, and without thought, I was fleeing blindly, running from the man who wanted to end me.

I heard his footfalls behind mine, the weight of him vibrating up from the floorboards underneath my bare feet. I had been heading for the door but he was closing the distance too fast for me to get away, so I turned deeper into the house, though I knew it was all dead-ends.

There was a stairway and I started up it, the long-ago memory of a dark closet under different stairs with dust raining down on my head in my mind's eye.

I screamed as if burned when his weight hit me mid-back, and we both fell forward. I hit the stairs hard, Danny on top of me. He was livid, grabbing me by the hair again, dragging me back against him.

"You'll die for that," he whispered in my ear and I screamed and tried to claw my way out from under him, as he urgently pulled at his clothes. He was trying, I realized, to take me from behind, though I wasn't sure how he could manage that after I had bitten him so hard. He seemed to realize it was not likely after a moment and bellowed in rage.

His hands came around my throat, his weight collapsing against me as he seemed to abandon the thought of rape. Instead, his hands tightened on my throat until I could not draw breath, and all the blood in my body seemed to trap itself in my temples and behind my eyes. I wondered if my face would just split along the seams, saw the edges of my vision start to grow dark. As seconds stretched into eons, the pain grew worse. I strained for the tiniest bit of air, of relief.

And then it was as if Danny was launched off of me, and my head banged a stair riser as his hands suddenly released my throat. For a second, I could only lay there, gasping, wheezing, and choking like someone nearly drowned. But as the blood stopped beating in my temples I became aware of sounds of a mighty struggle in the foyer below.

Jimmy had freed himself and was now locked with Danny, who had turned his fury fully on Jimmy. I saw the flash of the knife between them as they grappled and growled and snarled like two wild things in a fight that I knew would be to the death.

I was light-headed as I stood on the stairs, my feet made no sound as I traveled down them.

I had happened to glance down in my mad flight away from Danny and as I leapt the first stair realized my gun had come to a rest just beside the staircase.

I had not had the time before to be able to pause and grab it. Now I picked it up, cocked the hammer. Danny and Jimmy broke apart suddenly, and I realized Danny now held the knife. I saw blood on Jimmy's torso through his shirt, pulled open in the struggle.

Danny moved towards Jimmy, but he turned in surprise when I screamed his name.

I saw his eyes go wide in shock and then fear as he looked first at the gun and then at my face.

I did not offer him surrender, did not give him the opportunity to ask for mercy. I pulled the trigger.

He folded almost silently to the floor, and I sank to my knees where I had stood, watching the life blood leave him.


	26. Chapter 25: Unfrozen

Chapter 25: Unfrozen

For a long moment, Jimmy stood rooted in the foyer, trying to make sense of the last few minutes, and how it connected to the scene before him now. The gunshot still echoed in his bones and the rest of him was a quivering mass.

When Danny had chased Lou, there had been madness in his eyes. Jimmy had not been able to see her but had heard the sounds of a desperate struggle as he had battled his restraints to go to her. Jimmy hadn't known if he would be in time to save her from whatever Danny intended. It had seemed to take him ages to cut himself free and rise from the chair, muscles stiff and unresponsive after his beating and hours of immobility.

He had rounded the corner at full-speed and seen Danny pinning her brutally on the staircase. He had ripped Danny off of her by the back of his neck one-handed, as if he weighed nothing, the knife Lou had entrusted him with clutched in the fist of his weak arm. He had seen her curl into herself as soon as Danny was off her, but had not been able to see if she was badly injured before Danny gained his bearings and turned on Jimmy.

Jimmy knew he was not at his best or strongest, but he hoped to give Lou time to hide. When Danny had been able to wrestle the knife from him, Jimmy had felt a flash of defeat, knew he had probably killed both Lou and himself by not holding onto the only weapon they had.

Then her shriek of rage had filled the house, and he had been shocked to see her standing there with her gun in hand and cold determination in her eyes as she had taken the shot.

Jimmy sorted through all this with his eyes on Lou. She had collapsed on her knees, gun held loosely in her limp arm across her lap. She was staring at the prone form of the man who had almost succeeded in choking her to death.

Jimmy started forward cautiously, aware she still had the gun and not sure where her head was. He paused to quickly kick the knife away from Danny's splayed fingers and to reach down to press his fingers into Danny's throat, feeling for any sign of life. There was none. Still, he took Danny's gun from the holster and tossed it across the room too.

Stepping over the body, he dropped to one knee in front of Lou, blocking her view of Danny. Her gaze shifted slightly in the low light, in the general direction of his face, but she did not meet his eyes squarely. He took her gun from unresisting fingers and tucked it in his empty holster.

"Lou, let's get you away from him," Jimmy whispered. "I'm gonna lift you up, all right?"

She didn't seem to hear him or process what he had said. Jimmy sighed, worried for her, and he kept murmuring nonsense like he might to a skittish horse. He gently put his arms around her back and under her knees, lifting her and carrying her back to the parlor, ignoring the protest of his bad arm. Her skin was cold as ice and she had begun to shiver; he was not sure if it was shock or cold that had taken hold of her.

His own limbs were trembling with the left-over fear that he would be too late to get to her and it was a battle of his will to keep them both upright.

He hesitated when he crossed the threshold into the sitting room. He would not ever sit in the chair he had been bound to while his worst nightmare played out again, but neither would he take Lou back to Danny's chair. If it had not been a blizzard, he would have carried her out of the house and ridden straight home. If he hadn't been worried about her body temperature, he would have at least picked a different room, a neutral room. But she needed the fire.

Not sure what else to do, he carried her to the worn rug before the fireplace and sat down upon it with her in his arms. He reached up toward the chair Danny had been in, grabbing the dusty blanket on the back of it and dragged it down. He tucked it around them as well as he could, hoping to trap his heat with her. He was more worried about her health than modesty, though she didn't seem to care either way.

Lou's eyes were open, her teeth chattering wildly as she stared at the fire.

"It's over Lou. You're safe," Jimmy whispered and that assurance seemed to snap some tense line in her. She sagged against him, head thumping against his chest, fingers curling over his forearm and holding tightly to him. She still shivered, and Jimmy desperately wanted to ask her if she was alright, if Danny had hurt her, but he stayed his tongue, held her tighter, and rested his cheek on top of her head. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

They sat like that for a while. The room was quiet,

only interrupted by an occasional pop of flames finding sap. After a time, he realized there was also a clock somewhere in the room and Jimmy found that the slow, steady ticking lulled his heart to slow the frantic rhythm it had kept up for so long. Despite the measure of the passing seconds, Jimmy lost track of the time and just relished the feel of Lou alive and safe in his arms, the danger behind them.

Lou seemed to calm down too, and he wondered if the clock had the same effect on her. Her shivering seemed to be less violent as either the panic ebbed or her temperature rose from being trapped between the fire and his own body heat. He rocked her gently, thought she might have gone to sleep after a time, she was so still and quiet.

But, eventually her voice drifted to him. "Are you hurt, Jimmy? I thought I saw blood."

Her voice was raspy and thin, and he knew the words had to be forced past the swelling Danny's grip had wrought.

"A scratch. And I ripped the stitches in my arm. Doc's gonna be mighty displeased about that." Jimmy said lightly, then hesitated before asking. "Lou, are you alright? Did he...hurt you before I got there?"

The fingers resting against his forearm suddenly tightened. She knew what he meant. "He...couldn't."

"Thank God for that." Jimmy murmured in relief. "Your throat? Neck?"

"Hurts," she croaked out honestly.

"How 'bout your head? He hit you so hard, Lou. I couldn't believe you got up after that blow."

"I feel like my brain is rattling around loose, but it will be fine. Cheek hurts some where I hit the stair."

Jimmy glanced down, "Yeah, you're gonna have a big bruise there, it's already coming up. Throat is gonna be black and blue too."

"We'll be a colorful pair then. Your face is black and purple," Lou mumbled, meeting his eyes squarely for the first time since she had killed Danny. Jimmy held her gaze, searched it, trying to read how she was really doing.

She started to say something, hesitated, then said almost timidly, "I...I wish I had a bath. I still feel him on me...It makes me feel...dirty."

"I'm so sorry Lou. So sorry you had to go through that and I couldn't help you sooner."

"I'm so ashamed...Jimmy. So ashamed you saw…"

He saw the blush come to her pale cheeks, felt agony for her. He didn't know what to say to ease her. He couldn't even be sure what she was ashamed for, that he'd seen her body, what Danny had done to it, or that she had killed him.

"Lou, the shame is his alone...all of it. You...God, Lou, you tonight...it was the rawest display of courage I ever seen."

She met his eyes uncertainly, as if to gauge his sincerity.

"Jesus, Lou, this ain't just me talking. I had pretty well accepted I was gonna die in that chair. I hated that I was such a coward, but I just prayed he would kill me first, before he made you suffer too much. If you hadn't had the wits and the guts to get me that knife…"

She studied him, didn't look entirely convinced.

"I owe you my life several times over tonight, Lou."

" _You_ saved _me_ ," Lou protested.

He laughed, incredulous. "We'd be dead without that knife and dead again without you getting your hands on that gun, Lou. _You_ saved us both," he repeated. "You rode through a blizzard, for God's sake, to trade yourself for my safety. I'd like to yell at you and tell you all the reasons it was foolhardy to do that, tell you how seeing you come in that door took ten years off my life, ask you how in the world you gave the boys the slip, but I am just too damn tired to care right now."

"Don't scold me," she pleaded quietly. "Not today."

"Not a chance," he promised.

"Is it past midnight?"

"Well past," Jimmy guessed, finding the clock in the room. It said half-past three, but he had no idea if it was right. "Why?"

She paused for a long moment. Then said almost reluctantly, "today is my birthday."

Jimmy half-laughed although he felt more like crying when he contemplated what she had endured, how it might have been her last day because he was fool enough to get caught by Danny and she was loyal enough to come for him.

"You don't say?" he tried to keep his voice light.

They had all wondered when her birthday was, but she had always been guarded when anyone asked about it, muttering that it was not a day worth celebrating for her.

She nodded, and he could see her expression was troubled as she stared into the flames.

"Hey Lou?" He said softly to get her attention.

"Yeah Jimmy?"

"Happy Damn Birthday," he said and kissed the top of her head.

* * *

My thoughts were muddled and I was drowsy, but I knew I couldn't fall asleep. I was too scared of the dreams that might haunt me.

I took so much comfort in Jimmy's nearness and quiet strength, that I felt alarm when he murmured, "Hey Lou? Would you be alright here by yourself for a bit? I need to see to a few things."

I figured his legs had to be numb from my weight after all this time, but I found myself reluctant to let him leave my side, though the rational part of my brain knew there was no longer any danger in the house.

I agreed and he lifted me down from his lap to sit on the rug, bringing the blanket all the way around me and wrapping me up tight, stoking up the fire, and promising to be back soon.

I shivered, swallowed painfully. I imagined the thing he needed to see to was Danny's body.

I heard thumping and soft cursing and Jimmy breathing heavily with exertion. I flinched and felt sick to my stomach. I should have helped Jimmy, especially given the state of Jimmy's arm. But I found myself unable to contemplate what I had done to Danny, knew I was too fragile to face it.

Taking the blanket with me, I eased down onto my side before the fire, curling myself into a tight ball, and placing my hand over my exposed ear to shut out the sounds of the body being dragged out the door. I looked straight into the flames, letting them mesmerize me.

I must have dozed there for a time without realizing it, because I was startled awake from a dream about snow filling up the bunkhouse like flooding water when Jimmy's hand came down upon my shoulder.

"Come on," he said quietly, and without waiting for a response, he scooped me up, blanket and all. As he lifted me, I noticed my white slip laying by Danny's chair. He saw it too, and I saw a flush of anger come over his face beneath his bruises, just as a flush of embarrassment flared across my cheeks.

He carried me toward the hallway where I had made my desperate attempt to flee Danny, and I felt everything in me tense, my nostrils flaring in panic, though I knew Danny's body would no longer be lying there.

Jimmy paused. "Lou, it's alright. Trust me?"

I nodded and bit my lip as he stepped into the foyer. Not only was the body gone, but he must have scrubbed the wooden floor free of the blood while I slept.

He went past the staircase, deeper into the house, and backed through a doorway.

"Happy Birthday," he said with a gentle smile down at me as he turned around.

My eyes filled with tears of gratitude. We stood in the kitchen of the house, and he had lit the wood stove and several candles and lanterns to give the dusty but tidy room warmth and light.

In the floor close to the stove was a large copper bathtub, filled to the brim with steaming water and a layer of fluffy bubbles.

"But how?" I asked, my voice strained with emotion as much as the swelling of my vocal chords.

"Ain't no shortage of snow outside for melting. Tub was upstairs. Soap for the bubbles too...guess they belonged to Bartlett's wife."

I gaped.

"I didn't have time to shop for you a gift, but you asked for a bath and it seemed a simple enough thing to give it to you."

My eyes burned with hot tears, and I felt on the verge of losing my control completely. It would have taken dozens of trips outside to get enough snow to fill this tub, not to mention enough wood to heat the water and room. He must have worked for over an hour to do it, with a bullet wound and ripped stitches in one arm. Simple was the last thing this gift would have been.

He jostled me gently when tears slipped down my cheeks. "Hey, it will hurt my feelings if you cry, so stop that. There's one more surprise."

"What?" I wondered as he sat me on my feet. I loosed a hand from the blanket to wipe my eyes as he hurried to the counter and returned with a glass full of dark liquid.

"It's wine." he said, beaming and his proud smile was contagious. "Found it in the cupboard. I was hoping for food...there ain't nothing really...The wine is not as good as Willow Springs, but it'll warm you too."

I felt close to tears again, so I took a big gulp to steady myself, let it warm a trail down to the pit of my stomach, which had been a ball of ice since Angel had told me Danny had Jimmy.

Jimmy searched my face almost eagerly. "Good surprise?"

The tears were close again. "Maybe the best I ever got," I said sincerely. I rose on my toes to kiss him gently on his bruised forehead and he blushed with pleasure.

"I found some clothes...men's clothes. They'll swallow you, but they are clean and warm. They are on the stool there."

He started to excuse himself, but my voice stopped him. "Would you...would you just sit with me? I don't think I can stand to be alone right now...I know it isn't...proper...and I shouldn't ask...but I feel better with you near." I tried to make my voice light but it trembled when I added, "And it ain't like you haven't seen all of me there is to see."

Jimmy sighed, "Lou, I swear I tried my best to give you the respect and dignity you deserve...but I gotta admit it crossed my mind that if you was one of the last sights I had in this world, well, I wouldn't be too sorry about it. Yeah, I'll sit with you. But a man can only take so much, so if it's alright, I'll sit over there at the table and keep an eye on the back door."

I blushed and nodded, some of the raw embarrassment I felt at having been stripped before him eased by his generous and honest admission.

The water was heaven, and I sighed in bliss. I felt like I was boiling alive, and it was wonderful pleasure that almost crossed to pain. Even with the fire and Jimmy's warmth, my skin had remained cold, my blood refusing to warm. There was a dark spot on one of my fingers that I thought might be frostbite, but I knew it could have been much much worse. For both of us.

We were lucky, I told myself as I picked up the ball of soap Jimmy had left on a chair within reach of the tub. _Lucky_ , I repeated in my head as I scrubbed my skin hard. I lathered and rinsed my hair mercilessly, remembering how he had used it to control my head, to hold me immobile as he tried the first of what I imagined would have been many violations. Everywhere he had touched me, I scrubbed with vigorous effort, determined to get the feel of him off me. _Lucky_. _Lucky_. _Lucky_.

I focused on the task of getting clean with single-minded determination and clenched teeth, and it wasn't until a big hand came down to cover my own, stilling it's frenzied motion that I realized I was sobbing with the effort and had nearly rubbed my skin raw in places.

Jimmy was looking at me with heartbreak in his eyes, and I collapsed into the sobs I had held at bay until the hot water had unfrozen me. He lowered himself to the floor beside the tub, and simply held my hand over the rim. I leaned my head against his arm and cried. In a moment, he lay his head against the top of the tub, just beside mine, watching my face, pain on his own. The hot water soothed the aches of my body, but it was he who soothed the ache in my soul. Jimmy's fingers held mine gently, and the simple touch was like an absolution as he sat with me through the storm of weeping.


	27. Chapter 26: Unbroken

Chapter 26: Unbroken

Dawn broke and found Kid as restless as a caged animal in the marshal's office. The search for Danny had turned up nothing, not even a lead, and by the time they had finished looking, the blizzard was blowing full-out and there had been no way anyone was getting in, or out, of town. He, Teaspoon, and Cody had barely made it up the street to the office to shelter for the night. Riding for the station would have been a fool's errand, but Kid would have taken it had Teaspoon not promised to tie him down if he tried.

Teaspoon had tried to reassure Kid that Jimmy, Buck, Ike, Noah and Lou herself had the station well-protected, that Lou was safe there, and that Danny would not be able to stage an attack in a blizzard any more than they could find and strike against him.

It was a sound argument, but Kid felt his gut crawling with dread and he didn't know why. Maybe it was just her pale-faced shock at the events of the evening before. She had seemed vulnerable, even before she had seen the bodies and fainted. She had been scared.

He didn't know everything he wanted to about Lou; he knew she held pieces of herself back. Still, he knew enough to realize she had had reason to be afraid often in her early years; it was why she acted so fearless now. She saw fear as a weakness. He'd not been a stranger to fear in his childhood either. It had connected he and Lou on some deep level of understanding, though they had really never spoken of it.

He had always wanted to be the one to stand between Lou and what he thought scared her, and he guessed he still felt that way, even after all the troubles it had caused them.

And there was no doubt that Danny scared her. He had known it before, but he thought probably she hadn't even realized the depths of her fear until she had guessed Danny had cut the throats of two men. He had seen the realization settle upon her, followed by the anxiety. It was why he had led the charge through town to find and end Danny.

He was likely into his tenth mile around the office when Noah and Buck burst in with a blast of cold air and enough snow crusted on both to make a snowman approximating the size of each of them. They were nearly unrecognizable in multiple layers of clothes. Kid's first impression of them was two sets of wild eyes, one of the only visible parts of them, moving around the office, searching past him.

"What is it boys?" Teaspoon asked, getting up from his chair where he had passed one of the more uncomfortable nights in Kid's recent memory. The single stove in the office had been no match for the plunging temperatures, and Kid noticed that as Teaspoon moved, his joints were stiff with the cold.

Noah unwrapped the scarf around his face. "Have you seen Lou? Or Jimmy?"

Horror bottomed out Kid's uneasy stomach. "What do you mean? _You_ took her home!" His heart stuttered as he asked, "didn't you?"

Noah's face was strained with worry. "She left before we came to get her...she was supposed to have ridden home with Tom...only by the time we got to the station, she still hadn't made it. We tried to turn back to town after her, but we couldn't get the bearings...we almost lost Ike's horse in a fall, and we had to turn back, wait for daylight. We thought Tom probably turned back for town with her when he saw how bad it was and brought her back here."

"Boys, Tom could not have taken her home before you cause Tom was with us past midnight, searching for Danny," Teaspoon said, worry starting to show on his features.

"You find him?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," Teaspoon and Cody chorused grimly. Kid remained silent, frozen in place as he turned possibilities in his mind. None of them were positive. Frozen to death or her throat cut were the frontrunners of the graphic images flashing through his mind.

"Jimmy's gone too?" Cody's sleepy voice asked from where he sat up on a bunk. "Where?"

"I don't know. He lit out before the snow started," Buck observed. "Didn't tell anyone where he was going."

Teaspoon sighed in frustration. "I imagine Jimmy's errand was to do with Danny. Damn it!" he exploded, pacing with hands on his hips. Kid could read the grim possibilities crossing Teaspoon's face, knew he was calculating all the hours disaster could have befallen them while he had thought them safe home. His brow suddenly lowered, "Why would you think Tom took Lou home?"

"The saloon girl told us. The little blonde you had in here for questioning." Noah supplied. "Why in the world would she lie?"

"We won't find out jawing here," Kid snapped and grabbing his hat was first out the door and plowing diagonally through nearly waist-deep snow in the street as he traveled the shortest path to the saloon.

* * *

The saloon was quiet, though Billy had reopened for business. Teaspoon's heart was somewhere in his throat as he scanned the room upon entering. Tom, caught in town last night like them, was at the bar. Lou was not in sight. He hadn't really thought she would be, despite his silent prayers for it to be so.

Billy, looking unfamiliar without his usual smile, straightened when they pushed through the door.

Teaspoon imagined they must have looked as panicked as they felt, because Billy immediately asked, "what's wrong?"

"Louise ain't here is she Billy?"

Billy's brow wrinkled, "I thought your boys took her home."

"We were told Tom took her home," Noah muttered, eyeing Tom with suspicion. He addressed Tom. "Any idea why someone would think that?"

Tom stood, face drawn with worry. "You don't know where she is? I haven't seen her since we left her waiting for you to take her home. Who told you that?"

"Is that blonde girl here?" Teaspoon wondered impatiently.

Isabelle, her mouth in a grim line, slid off her stool. "I'll go get her," she said and hurried up the stairs.

Teaspoon spared a glance at Kid as they waited. He got the sense of a coiled spring under the very highest level of strain it could tolerate before snapping. "Easy Kid," he muttered to the boy, and tried to calm his own frantic heartbeat. They would not serve Lou or Jimmy well by irrational behavior.

Isabelle marched Angel, who looked like petulant rebellion personified, down the stairs with a death grip on her elbow. She gave Angel a shove that landed her just before Teaspoon.

"You tell him what you've done you little fool, or you are on the street."

"I ain't done nothing illegal!" Angel said haughtily, but there was doubt in her eyes.

"I'll decide that Miss. Why'd you tell Noah there that Lou had gone home with Tom?"

"She told me to buy her some time. I figured by the time they got to the station, there wasn't gonna be no coming back out."

"Buy her time to do what?" Kid asked in a rush before Teaspoon could.

Angel's mouth closed and she obtained the look of a balking mule.

"You listen to me, Miss. Anything you know, you better spit it out now or I am gonna throw you in jail for obstructing justice."

"I want protection if I talk," Angel demanded.

Kid's teeth flashed in a near snarl and he took a step toward the girl. "You are gonna need protection if you don't!"

Teaspoon threw out an arm to keep Kid away from Angel, though he wondered if Kid's approach might be the fastest way to get the information from the fool girl. Instead he growled, "Protection from who?"

Angel hesitated, and Teaspoon saw that the terror that flared in the girl's eyes was no act.

"Tell them!" Isabelle snapped. "Louise is in trouble."

"I don't care about her! Serves her right! She brought him here! Atticus is dead cause of her!"

Kid surged forward again and this time Buck and Cody had to grab hold of him to stop him from shaking the teeth or truth out of the woman.

"You talk or I tell them to let him go." Teaspoon threatened. "Talk fast and maybe I won't put you in jail."

"There was a man...outside the saloon. I saw him in the alley with that man that grabbed Louise earlier. He'd already killed him. I started to run, but he grabbed me, put the knife against my throat and told me that if I didn't want my own throat cut that I better keep my mouth shut and get a message to Louise."

Angel's voice was shaking and the girl was pale, but Teaspoon felt no sympathy. "What was the message?"

"He...he said he'd cut my throat if I told anyone...but her. He...he killed Atticus right in front of me when Atticus came out to see if I was all right. Atticus was twice his size but that man just twitched his arm and Atticus was dead. Just like that…" she looked pale, swayed a little at the memory.

" _What was the message_!" Kid roared.

Angel sighed. "That he...the tall man...had Hickok. That he would slit his throat if she didn't go to him...alone."

"And you knew this all night?" Isabelle demanded. "How could you not tell? How could you do that to her? To anyone?"

Angel dropped her head, and her voice wavered, "He said he'd kill me if I did...I wasn't willing to die for her. I hated her."

Teaspoon noticed her use of the past tense in speaking of Lou like a stab to his heart.

"Where?" Kid demanded hoarsely.

"The Bartlett place," she said.

Teaspoon tossed Tom his keys. "You're deputized. Put her in a cell. If anything happened to them, I am gonna charge her as an accessory."

Ignoring Angel's shrieking, Teaspoon followed Kid, Cody, Noah and Buck out the door, saying every prayer he could muster.

* * *

After her bath had run to cool, Jimmy had waited with his back turned while Lou pulled on the thick flannel shirt he had found upstairs, and the long john bottoms. He had brought her the thickest socks in the old chest he could find, because he knew after so long living and working with her that she hated her feet to be cold. He might have felt odd about going through a dead man's things for anyone but Lou.

He recognized there was nothing he wouldn't do to make her safe, comfortable, happy. It jarred him the depth of what he had felt in the hours leading to this moment, when he thought he would lose her. He had resigned himself to the fact that he would not live until the dawn, hadn't thought it likely she would either. But she had saved them both and he did not know exactly what to do with what his heart had confronted while facing death.

She had insisted upon tending to his arm, had wrapped it tightly and worked another sling for him. He had watched her face while she had done it, framed by damp waving hair. Her expression was inscrutable. After her storm of weeping had passed she seemed calm, resolute. He still felt unsteady with the maelstrom of emotions that had assaulted him.

"Let's try to get some rest," Jimmy suggested. "It must be near morning, but I don't think we're going anywhere for awhile. Snow has finally stopped, but it's plenty deep."

She nodded. In addition to her bruises from the fight with Danny, her eyes had dark circles of exhaustion beneath them. Between the events of the evening and the late night they had had the day before, he was surprised both of them were still on their feet.

She padded soundlessly in the thick socks behind him through the house, hesitating at the threshold of the sitting room where so much had transpired.

When Jimmy saw her pause, he made up his mind that she would not ever have to go in that room again. "Wait here," he said and walked across the hallway where there was another drawing room, this one more formal.

He pushed a fainting couch close to the dark fireplace, called Lou and told her to sit. She did, obedient for once and he went about making another fire. It roared to life and instantly took the worst of the chill out of the room.

He brought her a pillow from another couch in the room after beating it to rid the top layer of dust and fetched the blanket she had used from the kitchen. It was still holding the heat of the woodstove.

"Lie down," he told her and when she curled on the couch, he drew the blanket over her, tucking it under her chin.

He got himself a pillow and blanket and settled himself on the rug just in front of the couch, unwilling to be too far from her side.

He lay on his back, could see her face above, staring intently into the fire. Her could practically hear her mind whirling with a thousand thoughts.

"You okay, Lou?" he asked softly.

She nodded quietly, not looking at him. She stretched an icy hand down towards him. With his good hand he reached up to grasp hers tightly. They fell asleep like that, assured of the other's nearness.

* * *

Jimmy was roused by the faintest trembling of the floor beneath him; it suggested several someones approaching on horseback. Above him, Lou was sound asleep, her brow smooth and untroubled by nightmares. Her hand still dangled off the couch.

It was a struggle, but he sat up. Every muscle had rebelled on him while he lay still. There wasn't a bit of him that did not ache.

He tucked Lou's hand up by her chin and pulled her blanket higher and bit his lip to keep from groaning like an old man as he staggered the rest of the way to his feet. He threw another log on the fire before walking softly out of the room and slipping out the front door to meet what he guessed would be their frantic rescue party.

The sun was out and it was blinding against the white world that stretched in all directions. It was painful to face it after so many hours of darkness, hard to imagine that he was alive to feel the burn of it against his eyelids as he closed them and let gratitude wash through him. Then, squinting into the brightness and still whipping wind, he saw them.

Making canyons through the deep snow with their horses were Kid, Teaspoon, Cody, Noah and Buck.

He raised a hand in greeting, trying to assure them with his easy stance that all was well. As they got closer, he could still see the bald panic in their eyes. Kid looked beside himself, out of his head with terror. Jimmy called out as soon as his voice would reach them, "She is all right!"

He was surprised when his own voice cracked with emotion; he was thankful that his friends had not arrived to a scene of the nightmare that had been the only other alternative for how the night could have turned out.

Jimmy saw Kid bow his head, knew his friend was trying to control the tears that sprung to his eyes at the confirmation Lou was alive. He saw the ripple of emotion pass through all of them like a shockwave.

He knew they were happy enough to see him standing, but Lou was something special to all of them. She was the heart of their family, their soul and conscience. They needed her. She was their center.

The others left their horses in the shelter of the barn, made their way to the porch.

"You alright, Son?" Teaspoon asked with gruff emotion in his voice as he looked over Jimmy's bruised face and stiff carriage.

"I'll do," Jimmy nodded.

"Danny?" Cody wondered.

"Dead. Body is around the corner of the porch...I didn't want Lou to see it again."

"What the hell happened last night?" Noah wondered.

"Time for that later. The important thing is that Jimmy saved Lou in time. Where is she? Inside?" Kid wondered impatiently.

"Actually, you're wrong Kid. Lou saved me and herself. But for her guts, I'd be dead right now, and she probably would too." Jimmy told them and turned to lead the way inside.

He paused when he saw Lou standing silently in the doorway, blanket wrapped around her. Her face and throat were badly bruised from the many bumps and blows of the previous evening, her hair wild after she had slept on it damp.

She had heard his admission to the others about the nearly certain death they had faced and his conviction that she had saved them both, he finally saw the acknowledgment of the truth of that in her expression.

And for the first time in a long time when he met Lou's eyes, he saw no self-doubt there.

* * *

The sound of Jimmy calling to someone on the porch worked its way into dreams I couldn't remember and awakened me.

Surprised anyone would brave the snow, I climbed to my feet slowly, experimentally moving limb after limb to see just how stiff and sore I was after sleeping. The answer was plenty, but I was thankful everything still worked at least. I kept the blanket clutched around my shoulders and went to the front door, poking my nose out.

The cold took my breath away, as did the brilliant whiteness. I was surprised to see the crowd on the porch, most of my family was there, looking like they had aged ten years since yesterday. I knew just how they felt.

They had not seen me yet and I was glad because I needed time to settle, to collect myself. I supposed I would have to tell Teaspoon that I had shot Danny, had given him no chance to surrender. I felt that the speaking of it would make it seem more real. So far, it was just a vague concept fluttering at the edge of my mind. I had not devoted much thought to it.

Kid was asking about me, thanking Jimmy for saving me. Jimmy, without hesitation told them all I had saved his life. His interpretation of the events of the night lightened my heart some. Danny's life in exchange for Jimmy's seemed an easy bargain. I felt more at peace after I realized that.

Kid came toward me like a freight train when he saw me. I stepped back into the house to let them in out of the cold, distancing myself for a moment.

Despite myself, I nearly flinched away when he gathered me to him in a tight hug, not sure how I felt to be held, or touched at all, really. However, his solid presence, his quiet voice, even his smell reminded me that he was home, he was family, and I had no cause to fear any of them. I hugged him back, hard, happy to have the chance.

After a moment, he stepped back, hands on my upper arms as his gaze drifted across my face and throat. I hadn't seen myself, but from the pain that swallowing caused, I imagined I was a sight.

"You're all right?" he asked, doubtfully, eyes returning to mine, probing for truth.

I nodded, met his eyes steadily so he could see I meant it. And I did mean it.

I was going to be fine.

* * *

Before we had started the journey home, Kid fetched my boots from the room I hated. When he came back where everyone was gathered, I saw all traces of color had fled from his face, saw his eyes were blank with shock.

I wondered what in the world might have caused his horrified expression.

Then I remembered that not only had my boots been left in that hellish room, but the white chemise had been left where Danny had dropped it. I had no doubt that he had seen it, that he had also seen the cut ropes twisted around the chair. He must now have some understanding of how far things had gone before Danny had been put down like the rabid dog he was.

Jimmy had been the one to sketch out the events of the night before, and he had spoken in broad terms that left all of the intimate details unspoken. I was thankful to him, and thankful to the others for not pressing for more explanation than Jimmy gave.

I could see the desperate questions in Kid's eyes as he handed me the boots, could see that his teeth were clenched against them as he restrained himself from demanding to know what had happened and exactly what I had suffered. My heart thudded with fear that he was going to ask, to demand to know, but he didn't.

We left Danny's body in the snow. Teaspoon said he'd come back after the melt to retrieve it, and if wild animals dragged it off before then, so be it.

I also left the saloon dress where Jimmy had lay it to dry in the kitchen the night before. I wasn't sure what would come next, but I knew that part of my life was over.

Kid held his tongue until we were on the trail home. I relinquished Star back to his rightful owner with a sheepish apology to Teaspoon for stealing his horse. I sat astride Teaspoon's borrowed horse, and Kid nudged Katy up beside me.

"Lou," he said, pain for me burning in his eyes. He wanted to know what had happened, I knew. Wanted to know because he did not want me to shoulder it alone. "I saw...Lou...I...I'm so sorry."

I turned to him, felt tears that were not due to the sharp wind sting my eyes at the pain in his. I wasn't ready to relive it. Not yet. I imagined someday I would tell him, but I just couldn't right now. "Kid, it ain't what you think, not really. I promise I am all right."

"Yeah?"

I nodded, "Trust me."

He drew a shaky breath and murmured. "I do, Lou. And I'm sorry I forgot that for awhile."

We had ridden home more at ease with each other then we had been in some time.

* * *

Later that afternoon, back at the station, I walked slowly down the stairs of Rachel's house. It had been an exhausting and miserable ride home, although I was much more appropriately outfitted for the weather on the way back. I had gone directly to bed when we arrived, refusing food, drink, or company. I might have been asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I could see flashes of the foreign white world through the windows as I descended the steps, could not remember ever seeing so much snow fall so quickly in my whole life.

I heard rattling in the kitchen, muffled voices. The house smelled delicious and my stomach rumbled loudly. I hadn't had anything to eat in well over 24 hours and I was starving. Maybe under the guise of helping Rachel finish dinner, I could sneak a few bites of whatever smelled so good.

I pushed through the door and stopped so suddenly that it swung back and hit me in the rear end.

They were there, all of them, turning in surprise to see me there. We all stared at each other in a shocked stand-off of sorts for a moment, and then my eyes drifted past the disaster that was the kitchen. Through the open dining room doorway, I could see a feast only Rachel could have managed in a day, and in a blizzard, spread across the table. There were candles blazing down the table, and from the chandelier they had wrapped ribbons and strung them about the room.

"Well, it's about time. You were almost late to your own birthday celebration," Rachel mock-scolded me. "Not to mention sleeping through most of your birthday."

I blinked. I had forgotten it was my birthday, did a quick calculation to try to figure out if it could possibly still be my birthday after the endless night, and then wondered dumbly how they knew before I remembered the admission to Jimmy the night before. My eyes swung to him, accusatory, but he grinned unapologetically and winked at me, clearly proud of himself.

They were wearing their Sunday best. I was still wearing the dead man's flannel shirt. They didn't seem to mind. I was escorted as if I wore a satin ball gown to the head of the table by Teaspoon, who insisted I sit at his usual place.

There were several points during the celebration that followed that I felt tears sting my eyes. Not tears of sorrow, but tears of gratitude, of love, of joy. I had not celebrated my birthday since I was a child, since Wicks had stolen the childhood from the girl I had been. My birthday, even before then, had been haunted by the loss of my mother. My mother had sometimes seemed to be the only person in the world glad that I had been born, and after she had died, my birthday had felt hollow, empty, devoid of love or joy. It had been just a reminder of everything that I had lost.

Now there was nothing but love in the room with me, nothing but good wishes and relief that I was alive and well, and thankfulness that I had been returned relatively unharmed to my family.

They all laughed and joked and required nothing of me but my presence, delighting in the smile that I couldn't stop from stretching my lips for most of the evening.

When Rachel went to the kitchen and brought out a beautifully decorated cake with a single candle, I felt the tears get the best of me, the soft light from the candle wavering, blurring my view of the lovely pink and white icing.

She placed it before me, and the candlelight reflected the tears pooled on her lower lashes as she kissed my cheek. Teaspoon, his own eyes suddenly bright, murmured, "Make a wish, Sweetheart."

I closed my eyes, freeing the tears, and blew out the candle.

* * *

Later that night, after we had spent hours around the fire in Rachel's drawing room, warding off the cold outside and talking about everything and nothing, I went back up the stairs to the room that was mine.

I paused at the doorway when I saw the box with a red bow on my rumpled pillow. I looked around, as if whoever had put it there was going to reveal himself, but I was alone. I sat down with trembling fingers and put the box in my lap, staring at it a moment. I tried to remember the last birthday gift I had received. I couldn't recall.

Inside the box was a beautiful rose and ivory-colored cameo, on a delicate gold chain.

* * *

A/N: I always pay when the chapters come easy by hitting a wall with what comes next. The epilogue is next and this monster I had no idea I was going to write will be complete! Also, on a historical note...I researched birthday cakes and wishes...I know the birthday cake would have been popular in the 1860s...knew that in some traditions they lit a candle. I may have added the wish in a little prematurely...


	28. Epilogue: Unbridled

Epilogue: Unbridled

I stormed through the busy streets of Rock Creek with single-minded purpose and was nearly run over by no less than three wagons for my trouble. This town was still new enough that I forgot we weren't on the quiet streets of Sweetwater any longer.

I was homesick and we had not been in Rock Creek a full week. I missed Billy and Isabelle and especially Tom. Hell, I even missed Tompkins, the old grouch. I missed the windmill. The barn. Everything. Sweetwater had been my first real home since childhood and I felt heartbroken.

I had been bewildered at everyone's quick acceptance of the upheaval in our lives when the company told them they were moving. Kid, Jimmy, Cody and Teaspoon had not even had the chance to pack their own things.

I had waited for someone to protest our whole damn operation moving hundreds of miles East to a station that had already been caught up in a bloody battle between North and South. Every fool knew that particular issue was going to get a lot worse before it got better. We were at least a little isolated in Sweetwater. I had been incredulous when no one blinked at the idea. It meant new routes, new dangers, a new home. I had been just floating aimlessly after telling Billy I couldn't come back to the saloon, and I was hesitant to voice my reservations.

Now, I had some idea why they had all accepted the move without protest and I was livid.

My boots slapped against the boards on the porch of the Marshal's Office and I threw open the door with such force that it crashed against the wall, rattling the glass in its panes.

Teaspoon, Jimmy, Kid, and Cody were inside, setting things up, ordering the office. They froze and looked at me with wide-eyes as I stood glowering in the doorway.

"Who in the hell are you out to murder?" Cody asked when he got a good look at my face.

I ignored him and stomped up to Teaspoon. "You!" I growled, poking him in the chest. "You did this!"

Teaspoon raised his eyebrows, glanced down at my finger driving into him and then at the boys for help. I glared over at them too, and saw that there would be no aid forthcoming from them as they were still gaping at me in slack-jawed shock.

"Well I done lots of things, having lived a fairly colorful life..." Teaspoon began.

"Don't you try to charm me, Teaspoon Hunter!"

"Don't seem to be much chance of that," Jimmy muttered loud enough for me to hear but shut his mouth when my eyes swiveled his way.

"Wanna tell me what is on your mind, Lou?" Teaspoon wondered. "I ain't no expert in such things, but it seems like something is troubling you."

"I'm on the schedule. I'm on the schedule to make a run _tomorrow_. My name is _right_ _there_ on the ledger. _Lou McCloud_!"

"You going by a different name these days?" Teaspoon wondered, mischief in his eyes.

" _What_ have you done? Are you crazy?"

"I don't know what you mean, and yes, probably," Teaspoon nodded.

"Did you...did you make them move here just to try to sneak me onto the schedule? Do you think the company isn't gonna notice me on the payroll if my pay is being sent to a different town?"

"No, I'm pretty sure they will notice."

"So why? Why make them move?"

"He didn't make us do nothing," Kid interjected at his own risk.

" _What_ _is_ _going_ _on_?" I demanded throwing my hands up in the air, at a loss.

"You knew she was gonna find out eventually," Jimmy observed to Teaspoon as if I wasn't there.

" _Find out what_?" I roared, stomping my foot ineffectively in my frustration.

Teaspoon sighed. "When the company needed our help to reopen Rock Creek station, I realized that I was going to be in a position to ask a favor. And then, when they realized they needed an experienced crew to take over those runs and keep the mail moving, I figured it was as good a time as any to strike a bargain…so I told him if we did it, it was only with you on the schedule and payroll. Told em we couldn't go any longer without you riding with us."

"But Teaspoon, how could you do that without telling us?" I demanded. "I never would have agreed to it!"

"He _did_ tell us. Before he agreed to anything, he asked everyone before we left Sweetwater and then asked Kid and Jimmy when we got here. He asked everyone but you cause everyone knew exactly what you would say, which is a big ole no," Cody supplied.

"You're damn right I would have said no!"

"Well you still would have been outvoted," Jimmy interjected. "Because every single one of us voted to make the move in a second flat."

"No one even blinked," Kid put in.

I stared at them blankly for a long second.

"Don't worry...your thanks makes it all worthwhile," Cody said with a grin and Jimmy laughed softly.

"That's just…" I searched for the word and ended weakly with, "crazy...and so very... _kind_."

"That's _family_ ," Kid corrected with a smile.

"Look, the company is in some financial trouble but with the war getting closer, news has gotta get West. This station is real important. Moving here was good for us on several levels, before you go feeling guilty about it. We just made our jobs more secure, but the company don't need to know that we feel that way. I prefer them in our debt."

"So that's it? I can ride again?" My heart was in my throat with a mixture of elation and trepidation. Every time I heard them cry "Rider Coming!", my heart still surged then plummeted when I remembered that call would never be for me again. I was afraid I was dreaming, that I would wake up crushed with disappointment to discover nothing had changed.

"Only if you want to, Darlin'. You can keep on helping with the horses and me in the office if you want. But the choice is yours now, not theirs, at least. And though you will need to keep being Lou on the trail for your safety, and follow the same rules we had agreed to before for my sanity, at least you ain't working under false pretenses any longer. Course if anything happens, the company will deny knowing you are a girl."

"And you can come on back to the bunkhouse where you belong. We was gonna move your stuff for you, then recalled that sorta thing had not gone over so well in the past" Cody supplied, and both Kid and I blushed.

"Y'all are something else," I murmured, voice thick. "How do I repay you for this?"

"I'd settle for a kiss," Teaspoon grinned and turned his cheek toward me.

I obliged then catapulted into his arms, hugging him with all my might.

"You better go dust the cobwebs off your saddle," he told me in a gruff voice that I knew, that we _all_ knew, was for hiding his emotion. "You can't expect to make a run if your gear isn't taken care of."

"Yeah, I guess I better," I nodded and with a smile at the boys, I was off toward the barn to get my neglected tack ready.

* * *

I saddled Lightning the next morning with butterflies dancing in my belly. The day had dawned bright, crisp, and clear. It had always been my favorite sort of day for a run.

Kid had, the night before, asked me if I was ready, if I was confident I knew the route, if my ribs were healed enough. It was like old times and I felt more comforted than annoyed by the ritual of him worrying enough for both of us.

Jimmy was sitting on the corral fence by Lightning's head as I worked on tacking him up. I could feel the silent weight of his stare on me as he crunched on an apple.

All at once, a wave of nerves hit me hard and I swallowed around the pounding heart that seemed to rise to my throat. Putting a hand on Lightning's neck, I glanced up at Jimmy.

"You scared?" he asked quietly.

I had spent the evening before assuring all of them, especially Kid, that I had no reservations whatsoever about returning to the trail.

"Yeah," I acknowledged with a shaky release of air. I had a hard time imagining keeping anything from Jimmy. Even if I wanted to, I felt like he could read me like a book, and what we had been through together had only intensified that innate understanding. "Don't think I was this nervous before my first run."

He nodded, gave my horse his apple core and jumped down, landing quietly in front of me.

"You want this? It ain't just that you feel you gotta do it cause we moved, right?" he asked.

" _I want this_ ," I whispered, looking away from him and fiddling with Lightning's mane. "I want it bad enough to be terrified that I don't have the courage to _do_ it."

"Lou," he murmured, and I knew he wanted me to look him in the eye, but I was still trying to gather myself, control my fear. He took my chin gently and turned it so that I was looking at him.

"Ain't you figured out yet that you got the courage of ten men?" he asked softly.

"I'm pretty sure ten men wouldn't be fighting not to toss their breakfast at the prospect of a 60- mile ride on a sunny day. Specially not ten men who had done it a hundred times before."

"We both know this is more than that, Lou. You got knocked down, brought low, told you weren't good enough, quick enough, strong enough. He tried to beat you down with everything he had. He tried with threats, and fists, and boots, and fear, and authority, and bullets…he even tried to use your heart against you."

"Jimmy, this ain't exactly helpful…" I interrupted.

He gave me a half-smile. "Look at you, Lou. You're still standing. Whether you make this run or not. You won."

I might have brought up the fact I still woke gasping for air several times a week when I dreamed Danny was still alive and above me with his hands around my throat, or holding a gun to Jimmy's head, but I had a feeling he already knew.

"Want me to go with you?" He asked. "Just for this first run?"

I smiled, touched. Kid had offered the same.

"You always come with me," I said with a smile and put my hand over my heart.

I saw that those words had moved him enough so that he was speechless.

"Besides. I got a good luck charm," I said with a smile and pulled the cameo out from under my clothes, showing him before slipping it back under the neck of my longjohns.

He still refused to admit the birthday gift had been from him, although he was the only person in the world who knew I had always wanted one. I knew he must have bought it at some point before my birthday, had been holding onto it. I wondered how long, but he feigned ignorance when I asked him about it.

He blushed a little and it made me giggle as I said, "and I thought I had a face that was easy to read."

"Rider Comin'!" Teaspoon bellowed from the bunkhouse porch.

"Hey, I think you're up," Jimmy said and gifted me with one of his rare wide smiles.

He walked with me out to the hard-packed dirt of the yard and rechecked my saddle while I pulled on my hat. It was a long-standing ritual for all of us when we saw another off, to check and recheck the girth.

I glanced at the new bunkhouse porch and found the nerves in my stomach to be no match for the love in my heart when I saw them all lined up there, witnesses to my return. They'd sacrificed something for me, and they had done it with no expectations of me but that I be happy, whatever I chose.

"Rider up," Jimmy said quietly and moved aside so I could vault on my horse.

I could hear the hoofbeats of the approaching rider, felt my blood quicken in time to that tempo I loved so much.

"This is what victory feels like," Jimmy reminded me, and patted my knee. "Ride Safe, Lou."

I met his gaze for a long moment, saw tears standing in his eyes through my own. He backed up to give me space.

And then the boys, Teaspoon and Rachel started hollering and cheering loud enough to rouse the dead.

With their support ringing through the air, drowning out the wild beating of my own blood in my ears, I turned a joyful Lightning in a tight half-circle, getting ready for the hand-off. Buck was coming in fast, bent low. I saw the smile light his whole face when he recognized it was me waiting to take the pouch.

I felt the answering smile come unbidden to my lips; I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. I leaned forward and gave my horse his head as Buck crossed into the yard. Lightning was at a full run when Buck's leggy chestnut pushed his nose past my stirrup. I turned in my saddle, reaching out a hand just as Buck stretched the pouch into it. I felt the slight tension as he held it for a moment longer that necessary, glanced up into his face in question.

"Ride Safe!" I couldn't hear his words over the cheering and the hoofbeats, but I saw them leave his lips, felt his grin warm me, felt wrapped in protection and goodwill.

And then he released the pouch, and it felt like the sudden lack of tension propelled my horse and I forward like a slingshot. Buck and his horse fell behind us, and then the town. The shouts of encouragement from my family grew too distant to hear, the open prairie stretched before us.

Every sure beat of Lightning's hooves vibrated through him into me, loosening the ball of fear that had rested at the base of my throat since Danny had knocked me down in the stable, the fear that had intensified when I saw my name on the schedule yesterday. The wind rushed through my ears, drowning out any voice of self-doubt. I concentrated on the three-beat rhythm that I had missed, the one that had all that time ago saved me from a dark future and carried me to my family and home.

My horse was strong and true under me, and there was nothing between us and the horizon. I felt joy rising up in me with every strike of hoof on dirt, felt it start in the balls of my feet where I pushed against the stirrups, felt it travel up through my muscles, bones and blood and right through the center of me, coming to a rest somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. It drove down the fear that had become more of a companion than I realized until it left me. The joy readily took its place and stretched through every part of me until I thought I might just dissolve into the wind rushing by us. I recognized it for what it was, though I had lived long stretches of my life without it. It was happiness. It was courage. It was love. And above all, it was freedom.

Finally, I was free.

THE END

* * *

A/N: If you're still reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the sweet words, kind reviews, and just the general goodness that has always been what TYR community is about.

I feel sad to have this one done. It felt wonderful to write just for love of the characters and the writing again. Amazing the difference in perspective on these same characters between 18 year-old me and 38 year-old me. I wrote this as a gap-filler between season 2 and 3, so this is what I imagine: this run is the one where Lou returns and meets Jesse, and then the series takes up from there. I always thought Lou was trying to tell Jimmy she had feelings for him in The Blood of Others, but he shut it down with his usual angsty Jimmy-ness, trying to protect the people he loved (the fool). That said, this story always belonged to Jimmy and Lou, and the relationship they had, which was just barely tapped in the show. This story about them was meant to be a love story, but not a romance.

I do have the stirrings of another story idea...one that is post-express. I have lived so many years with the idea that the story in A Bond So Strong was what happened after the series that I couldn't imagine another alternative. But I've been thinking _what if_...and if I can get my head around it, I may finally write the Jimmy/Lou story I always wanted to write but felt too constrained by the canon of the series. We'll see if it takes hold and if I feel it is different enough from what has been done well by others-but in the meantime, I hope you are happy with this one, and would love to hear your thoughts!

-Joanna


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